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-> Interesting Discussions
DVOM
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 Mon, Oct 05 2020, 2:55 pm
For me this would depend very much on the person.
I named one of my sons after a great uncle who wasn't religious. He was such a giving, generous, funny, hardworking person. His love for his kids was obvious and beautiful. The fact that he wasn't religious didn't bother me. I also wasn't bothered by the fact that he was a bit of a ladies man- a flirt. My son has so much of his larger than life spirit, his joy and apatite for life.
My grandfather was a very special man in many ways. He loved me totally and completely, would have done anything for me. He was a very needy person and a bit self centered. I found his love to be stifling. I was expected to act in ways that made him proud, fed his ego, and his displeasure was fierce when I didn't. If I have another son I'm going to have to do some real soul searching to decide whether or not to name after him.
It's not a matter of imperfections. We all have flaws. It would be a case by case decision depending on my feelings towards the person.
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amother
Jetblack
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Mon, Oct 05 2020, 2:56 pm
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No. No one is perfect however knowing or hearing about people in the family who caused pain to others, why name after that person? When you name aren't you hoping your child will be like that person? But if they weren't a nice person why would you?
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amother
Mauve
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Mon, Oct 05 2020, 3:08 pm
How about where I know about something serious (such as mentioned above) but most of the family doesn't know about it? In this case it's my parent they would be naming for.
I am just hoping they will have a tzaddik in mind, but not sure if I should say s/t.
| Quote: | | If your dad was despicable or your uncle unspeakable name your kid after another person with the same name | .
I was just reading that too much exaggeration or outright untruth on matzeiva is bad for the neshama (slight exaggeration is ok. I allowed my family to write the inscription, I didn't want to get involved & reveal what I knew.
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zaq
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Mon, Oct 05 2020, 3:19 pm
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My family doesn’t go for ostentatious anything. Our matzevot are simple and factual. Names, dates, in Hebrew and English and not much more. If we’re devastated by the loss, that’s private. If they were whatever they were, there’s a place to say that: at the levaya and at the shiva. A matzevah is a memorial, not a hesped
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amother
Periwinkle
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Mon, Oct 05 2020, 3:45 pm
My grandfather had bipolar when he was young and dementia when he turned old.
I gave only one of his 2 names, which was also the name of different grandfather. So he's named sort of after both.
The thing is that all my cousins had no problems giving the full name. My grandfather lived by us for years and we knew him the best. I'm pretty sure none of the cousins knew about his bipolar. And I'm sure their kids will turn out fine. But I co9uldn't bring myself to name after him.
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amother
Wheat
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Mon, Oct 05 2020, 3:50 pm
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my father was abusive and had a terrbile temper its up to my kids to use his name I named my daughter after a granmother who had temper but I misss her and loved her
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amother
Linen
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Mon, Oct 05 2020, 3:54 pm
I was in a similar situation. Named after a Holocaust surviver.
I asked our Rav. He said you name after the positive traits in a person. Noone is perfect...
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amother
Maroon
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Mon, Oct 05 2020, 11:26 pm
If you're naming as a kavod to your parent (deceased's child), have in someone else, a tzaddik, when you are naming.
E.g. Zeide Moshe had something abt him that you wouldn't want your child to have, babe him Moshe and have in mind Rav Moshe Feinstein ztl.
He's named after Rav Moshe.
And only you and dh need to know that (maybe kid when he's older.)
Tell family, "Moshe was Zeidy's name!"
We've done that several times
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amother
Babypink
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 12:57 am
I named after a grandmother who went OTD. I was told to add a name, and when I speak to my daughter about her name I tell her about all the wonderful qualities this grandmother had.
My worry is similar to another poster, that I know something terrible about a close family member that other people don’t know. When he passes on I don’t know what I will do because I can’t bring myself to name after him.
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amother
Chocolate
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 1:42 am
I have BH named after most of my grandparents.
Some I knew very well and dreamed of the day I could name after them and some passed away when I was very young. I named one daughter after my grandmother who passed away when I was young. I loved this grandmother (I love basically everyone tho!) and wanted to name after her to make my father happy. A few years later a cousin mentioned to me some big flaws in this grandmothers character- that she was easily angered, etc and “no one liked her”. I was a little sad at first, how could I name after someone who others remembered in such a negative light? Then I realized who cares? She was my grandmother and I remembered her only in a positive light and it brought tremendous pleasure to my father. So I ignored my cousins reflections on this bubby and enjoy my daughter and her beautiful name. She is the sweetest cutest most delicious of the bunch.
And the daughter named after my other bubby, the tzadekes bubby, well, she’s a handful lol. I believe we’re naming after our relatives to carry on the good memories, not to highlight their flaws. Focus on the good.
Actually my parents are divorced and my mother often told me that her ex fil was very “simple minded”. I named my son after him anyway. He’s the cutest boy ever! And very bright! No one is perfect. Bring the good memories out and tell your kids stories abt these people who were great in your eyes.
If the grandparent wasn’t great in your eyes, I would pass on naming after them. It’s all about you and your perspective.
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amother
Cerise
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 1:45 am
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I don't name after relatives and this is one of the reasons. I choose names that have a meaningful meaning to me or someone from the torah that I want my child to emulate.
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amother
Cobalt
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 2:26 am
I cannot name after my grandfather. I cannot name my child after someone that reminds me of abuse and disfunction, no matter how many wonderful qualities he had.
Luckily there is another grandfather with half the name, so I can get away with it.
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amother
Jade
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 7:04 am
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I was pretty close with my grandmother growing up. She passed away when I was a teenager. Almost all my siblings have named a child after her. But I haven't. One reason I never pushed for it (my husband also didn't love the name) is that my mother told me she was treated very badly by her and never really accepted because of her less then perfect family background.
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FranticFrummie
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 7:41 am
My heart goes out to all of you who have had negative or abusive relatives in the past. 
I think there are so many emotional factors involved, that there is no one right answer.
I'd like to think that everyone can look at a child and see them as a pure and untouched neshama, and not project past experiences on them. I also know for a fact that we are human, and that memories don't just go "Poof!" the second they put a baby in your arms. Honor yourself and your own feelings first. Your reaction may be subconscious and beyond your control, but kids can pick up on your tension.
If you are going to think negative thoughts every time you hear your child's name, then please choose something else, or make it a middle name, or find a variation that is less triggering. As others in the thread have said, there are lots of clever work-arounds to make at least most of the family happy.
May all your children bring you nothing but nachas and simcha, and may all your hurts be healed.
(If you are a Zionist, please don't name your child after Moshe Rabbeinu. He never got to make Aliyah.  /jk)
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amother
Scarlet
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 8:43 am
| amother [ Cerise ] wrote: | | I don't name after relatives and this is one of the reasons. I choose names that have a meaningful meaning to me or someone from the torah that I want my child to emulate. |
I could have written that exactly!
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amother
Gray
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 8:47 am
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Everyone has character flaws. I draw the line at abuse and toxicity. I have one grandparent I will never ever name after.
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amother
Ginger
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 9:07 am
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A relative who I loved very much was an atheist. I named a child after this relative, who happened to have the same name as a major pillar of my community (helped found many shuls and yeshivos here). I named for both of them, the atheist relative I loved, but also the local tzaddik who I didn't know well but greatly admired. I figured that would cover my bases.
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amother
Goldenrod
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 9:16 am
I changed the name a little.
Day to day we use the first name (so it sounds like said child is named after that person, which they are) but the rest of the name we changed so essentially it’s a different name.
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zaq
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 11:13 am
| FranticFrummie wrote: |
(If you are a Zionist, please don't name your child after Moshe Rabbeinu. He never got to make Aliyah. /jk) |
So name him after
Moshe Sharett, second Prime Minister of Israel or
Moshe Dayan, commander of the Jerusalem front during Milchemet HaShichrur, IDF chief of staff during the Sinai Campaign, Defense Minister during the Six-Day War.
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ssspectacular
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 11:17 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | For those who wouldn’t name their children after someone with a flawed character, would it make a difference to you if that person was a Holocaust survivor? |
My Rav said that if the person was "an ehrliche yid",we can definitely name child after grandparent.
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