Moms of large families

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 5:18 am

I'm 12th of 13. While my sisters usually had to help with the younger kids my mother cooked and cleaned and did laundry she had cleaning help only twice a week. On Friday all of us had to help clean mainly for the chinuch. I didn't know how to cook or do laundry after I married. I'm very greatfull to my mother that I have 8sisters. We have a ball. We all live locally and help each other.

imaima

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 5:43 am

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

My kids pediatrician often requests a follow up visit two weeks post start of antibiotics to make sure infection cleared. So that makes minor things into a two visit minimum. I guess in large families this doesn't get done. Also a newborn who needs consistent appointments for check up and shots while everything else is going on, that's another time eater.

Most people don't make gourmet suppers even with just a few kids.

I think that is why many mothers end up turning to homeopathy and similar therapies. I would do anything to prevent them getting sick, I give vitamins and other remedies before they develop anything. That eats up time and mental space too but still ends up more efficient.

ectomorph

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 6:07 am

I don't have a large family yet but we want one.

Most moms I know of large families take excellent care of their kids. I personally excel at pediatrician appointments and probably email my pediatrician weekly regarding this and that. He knows me well.

By the time I have a large family my pediatrician will know us well enough to have a comfort level. For example if my kids test positive on my home strep test, he'll just send in the antibiotics. Or if a kid has a high fever and I'm concerned he'll put us in right away.

As for the oldest kid being parentified, I guess I'm lucky my older few are pretty immature, they get lots of hugs etc and cuddles.

I do think you need either family / community support to manage, or a lot of paid help. Some people have parents who are willing to babysit, or siblings or neighbors or cousins. Everyone works it out differently. It's a little like parnasa.

amother

Aubergine

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 6:23 am

amother [ Slategray ] wrote:

As a mom of a mammoth family (there aren't enough digits on my hands to count them all bh), I'll take the risk and reply.

Hashem has predestined at brias haolem which number child of which family size of what kind of family you will be born into. No amount of guilt will change that. With that in the the back of my mind, I take one day of my life at a time. I try to plan ahead, shop and cook in bulk, and know every shortcut in the book to make easy presentable meals. I host my couples, wash the laundry but the kids fold it. I have cleaning help 5 times a week and DH is very helpful.

I count my blessings everyday and can't stop thanking Hashem for his chessed.

I love this post.
I am a child who was born when my parents were in a relationship, that ended a couple of years later.
Even though I know I was wanted, loved and eagerly expected, I do end up feeling like a hefker Person sometimes.
Hashem predestined that and this is my struggle. Every child born into a full family as "number x" has an infinitely better starting point in life than me.
Noone is born without their struggle.

amother

Mauve

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 6:24 am

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

I agree with the above poster that finances make the biggest difference.
I know money can't buy happiness, but in this situation it really affects how the family/mother manages.
If there is plenty of money for cleaning help, babysitting, convenience foods, convenience clothing shopping, a spacious house, lot of treats and trips, mom not working etc it's pretty manageable to have a large family.

Not so much when every penny matters.

Each child is a whole world with different needs etc so for me it wouldn't only be money (although it definitely helps!) It's the emotional aspect that's the hardest for me. And the difficult pregnancies. This is my last and I'm still young but I can't see myself ever going through this again!! Maybe not everyone who has a large family is in bed for weeks on end with severe sickness and nausea 🤷‍♀️

imaima

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 6:26 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

Untrue. Firstly, there’s less time. Second, relatively they are big. If there’s a whole bunch of little ones under the 7 year old, you look at them differently than if they were the youngest or the only. I see it with my young siblings next to my kids who are the same age. It’s like this optical illusion. Both orange circles are the same size but your brain sees it according to what’s around it

My brain sees that the orange ball is bigger when there are more balls around it 😝

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 9:23 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Your older sisters might tell a different story.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 9:41 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

I know because we live Next to each other’s and I hear what goes on there. They’re super happy and calm all time. The older ones help a lot, willingly. She doesn’t stress about clothing and menus, just that each kid should be happy and have what they need and some of what they want.
Idk her body looks fantastic too. I’m convinced that some people just have it easier than others.
I know there’s no abuse or neglect or mental health issues going on because having gone through those myself, I can easily tell if there’s any of that in a household.

Of course some people have it easier then others. Everyone has difference circumstances, emotional resources, personalities...

I’ll say this under my own screen name. I have two young teens and a 5 year old. They are all good kids and don’t have any major issues. I Bh have lots of cleaning help and babysitting help. My cleaning lady cooks as well. I Bh am comfortable money wise. From all outside appearances I look like I’m doing great. My kids look clean and well dressed. I try hard to show them lots of love and make them feel capable and give them self esteem. There’s usually a fresh hot dinner on the table. For Yom tov there was fresh home made challahs and mounds of delicious home cooked food. My kids have all
The latest toys and electronics. And yet, I don’t think I’m managing. I have lots of emotional/mental health issues that leave me feeling depleted. So many days (like today) I can barely get myself out of bed. I can’t seem to push myself to do anything with them. I should at least get up and bake cookies with them or do a craft, but instead I’m laying in bed and crying. Nobody knows that part. So to the outside world I look super. Really, I’m crumbling inside.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 9:52 am

I grew up in a large family and my mother was super chilled. I’m not sure I appreciated it. We never had what we needed... she didn’t ask us to clean up but we did cuz we didn’t enjoy living in a pig sty. She didn’t ask us to cook but we did cuz we wanted dinner At a normal time etc... Clothing was never a priority and we only got it if we screamed and begged. Now years later when we ask her about it she said was so hectic she didn’t have time to think....
I am the exact opposite with my kids. And yes that’s probably part of the reason we won’t have 13 kids.
I am in awe of large families that everyone is put together , happy, has all needs taken care of.

amother

Bisque

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 9:52 am

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

Just wondering if anyone has noticed that many younger couples today who grew up in Yeshivish homes with BH many siblings are having less children than their parents did and spacing them out much more?

Of course, any child who grew up resenting her parents for making her be a second mother and do crazy amounts of housework and childcare is going to run to the opposite direction.

amother

Green

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 9:55 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

So sorry to hear. From my own personal experience, mental health issues are probably the worst thing someone can experience. I hope things get better for you soon.

amother

Green

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 10:15 am

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

Yes, my husband comes from a huge family and none of his siblings will have close to what his mom had. Most of them want very few children. I had to beg for each child. But my mother in law would have had a dysfunctional home with one child, so I don’t really know that I can blame it only on the amount of children she had. Although that certainly didn’t help.

dankbar

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 11:25 am

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

This is dysfunctional. Your physical needs were not tended to. Do you think if she would have a smaller family, she would have her act together or it would anyways be like that?

yonabets

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 11:37 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Big hugs

I am sure your children are very happy children !!!First ,because you love them!!!
And secondly because you do a lot for them!!you cook,bake,take care of the house,(you organise the cleaning lady..)and you buy them tons of toys and clothes!!!
My children would love this life🤣🤣🤣
😘😘😘

amother

Taupe

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 11:38 am

Take care of yourself Goldenrod. Your kids need a healthy and happy mom😘.
Less focus on food ( think cereal, pasta , sandwiches) and “standards” ( clothing, cleanliness of house etc.) More focus on being proud of yourself for bringing another life into the world. More focus on being happy and present with your children.