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My SIL just lost her father - advice needed

 
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jewishmom6




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:03 pm
My SIL just lost her father today.

I need advice if I can txt her to help her, take her kids..?

What would someone who just lost their father appreciate?
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chay




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:06 pm
Maybe text her husband?
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:11 pm
jewishmom6 wrote:
My SIL just lost her father today.

I need advice if I can txt her to help her, take her kids..?

What would someone who just lost their father appreciate?


Text her and offer to take her kids. Don't put a sad face or sad voice on. I lost my parents and I straight away can see the difference between people who lost theirs vs those who didn't (scared to approach you. head tilt with sad expression)
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:14 pm
chay wrote:
Maybe text her husband?


No. Text her directly. Do not avoid her or treat her like an atomic bomb. Send a text that does not pressure her to respond but says that you want to take her kids out/be there for her.
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jewishmom6




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:19 pm
I heard something that my bil wasnt feeling well and they are going into quarantine.

I feel so bad. I dont even know if I can take her kids.

I feel little stupid txting her. I wouldnt txt her husband.
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amother




Hotpink
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:25 pm
You could offer to make dinner and leave it outside the house
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:27 pm
jewishmom6 wrote:
I heard something that my bil wasnt feeling well and they are going into quarantine.

I feel so bad. I dont even know if I can take her kids.

I feel little stupid txting her. I wouldnt txt her husband.


I lost my father 9 years ago and my mother a month ago. I will tell you that in times like these, you remember every single thing that people do for you, even if it's just a text. Other people ignored me and it stung even though I know they didn't mean to hurt me - they're just scared and unsure what to do. But every small gesture, phone message and even text touched me to the point that I remember each one.

Don't feel stupid - text her. Even just to say hamakom yenachem, I'm thinking of you.
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jewishmom6




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:29 pm
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
I lost my father 9 years ago and my mother a month ago. I will tell you that in times like these, you remember every single thing that people do for you, even if it's just a text. Other people ignored me and it stung even though I know they didn't mean to hurt me - they're just scared and unsure what to do. But every small gesture, phone message and even text touched me to the point that I remember each one.

Don't feel stupid - text her. Even just to say hamakom yenachem, I'm thinking of you.


thank you for this...
Can I txt her I heard and am so so sorry. I am thinking of you? then offer help?
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:31 pm
jewishmom6 wrote:
thank you for this...
Can I txt her I heard and am so so sorry. I am thinking of you? then offer help?

Of course. I would appreciate that and I'm sure she will as well.
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amother




Lemon
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:33 pm
Text your condolences, and a specific offer of help (not just a vague let me know if you need anything). Like say "would you like me to send a meal over?" or "do you need me to take the kids out" (I know you said that might not be possible, I'm just giving examples of how to be specific)
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:34 pm
I'm so very sorry for your tremendous loss. I'm thinking of you. Let me know if I can take your kids out today or if there is anything at all that I can be helpful with...I'm here. Heart Heart Heart
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tweety1




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:35 pm
Don't ask her, tell her. I've sat shivah before. I most appreciated those who called me up: you have where to place esty, if not I'm taking her". I felt that if I'm being asked I'm only being asked cuz of etiquette not because they're genuinely interested in helping. Offer a specific favor, rather than "what can I help". "I'm available to cook supper Tuesday and Thursday can I ?"

Last edited by tweety1 on Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Violet
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:35 pm
I lost my father . Text her , straightforward and sincere . Esti ( or whatever ) , I am so so sorry for your loss.
That’s it .

Then call her husband with specific offers of what you can do to help , even though he’s officially not feeling well. She won’t have the head for figuring out logistics .
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:35 pm
Also, don't ask if she would like a meal. Tell her you're sending a meal over and then just send it.
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 3:13 pm
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
Also, don't ask if she would like a meal. Tell her you're sending a meal over and then just send it.


Not exactly this. If you can, offer to coordinate meals so they don't get more than they need some days and not enough other days or find out who is coordinating so you can contribute. But definitely be specific about what you're able and want to do rather than saying "let me know if you need anything" because she's much less likely to take you up on a vague offer.

Also, if you're particularly close, try to check in with her in the evenings once people stop calling. When I sat shiva this year one of my friends called me every night to do this and I greatly appreciated it. It gave me a few minutes to reflect on the day or just cry to someone who didn't feel the need to offer platitudes.
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justmarried:)




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:07 pm
When my SIL lost her father I offered to send
Dinner the day they got up from
Shiva if no one else was sending that night. They said they didn't need it. And then they asked if the offer still stands because they wanted to take me up on it. I said of course.
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amother




Indigo
 

Post  Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:21 pm
I recently lost my mother and I agree that I remember everyone that helped me and sent food. I know that I will feel much more comfortable being in touch with someone that loses a parent after going through it. It meant so much when people even took the time to send a message or call given that it was during Corona virus so it wasn't so simple for people to come.
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