Does almost everyone hug all of their children?

LovesHashem

Sat, Nov 14 2020, 3:42 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I am a very affectionate and huggy person. I will never say no to a hug from a child! (Mine, or whoever I'm babysitting.) I never force hugs, or even hint.

As DD got older, I slowed down on saying "I love you" so much, but started saying "You worked really hard", "I'm proud of you", and things like that. As she is becoming an adult, she needs to know that I recognize when she struggles and things don't come easily to her. She needs to know that I believe in her competence, and have faith in her to do the right thing. Too much praise makes her feel really awkward, and makes her want to withdraw.

She's in the "don't touch me!" phase, but I don't take it personally.

Kids are like cats. When they are little, they want to be in your lap 24/7, sleep in your bed, and follow you everywhere. When they are growing up, they want to play all the time, and destroy the house. They are usually up half the night playing, while you are trying to get some sleep.

When they are teenagers, they hiss at you if they are in a bad mood, but then they want your attention. As soon as you try to pet them, they run away and hide in their room. They mainly come out of their room when they want to be fed. LOL

North Star

Sat, Nov 14 2020, 7:56 pm

My parents are amazing and I love them, but I can probably count the hugs I remember receiving from them on one hand (they’re children of holocaust survivors.) I guess that’s why I really don’t enjoy hugs or physical affection.

Despite that, or maybe because of it, I make myself give my children so many hugs each day that it’s probably excessive. But they are happy and feel very loved!

amother

Black

Sat, Nov 14 2020, 8:23 pm

I really struggle with this and don't know why. I grew up very loved, kissed my mother good morning, good bye and good night every day. But for some reason it is hard to do for my kids. I love my kids I try hard to say it at least once a day but hugging is hard I force myself to hug the younger ones every night but my teens never.
Can anyone help me? I hate myself for this.

Nobody would guess this is my issue as I'm a very involved take great care and super interested in my kids life.

Wish there was a way I can fix this.
My dh is amazing with hugs so at least my kids have a hugging father.

amother

Burlywood

Sat, Nov 14 2020, 9:14 pm

Who else is feeling really bad about herself right now
I don’t really hug my kids alot
I have a hard time with it
My parents rarely showed us physcal affection, it wasn’t the pas thing in my home growing up.
I know I should. But it doesn’t come naturally to me and I don’t do it.

amother

Sienna

Sat, Nov 14 2020, 10:20 pm

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

same here! My parents rarely showed physical affection: we just knew they love us.
My oldest DD (11) comes for a good night kiss every night, and unless I'm conciously making the effort, it usually ends up a blow-kiss without physical contact. Then I feel bad. Every single time.
I keep thinking I must change this in my house, but it hasn't happened yet.
( I actually did get better about it, but then right after I started making sure to give here a proper g'nite kiss, I got sick with COVID, so that had to stop, and hasn't started again-YET)

I know it hurt me in that my marriage started out this way, and now, as much as I'd like for it to change, I don't think it will. I will never forget when my DH kissed me in Yichud room, and I totally didn't know how to handle it. I was told it will happen, but was still unprepared. Then, 2 weeks later, I came home from mikvah for the first time and got a kiss again. I remember where I was standing at the time, and what I had been doing! I was again simply caught off guard. The way I reacted convinced him not to try again. Can't Believe It

Now, 12 years down the line, we have a great intimate life BH, but it starts and ends in bed. Banging head

Odelyah

Sat, Nov 14 2020, 10:28 pm

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

Now, 12 years down the line, we have a great intimate life BH, but it starts and ends in bed. Banging head

oy so if you want it to change, why don't you kiss him? I mean did you ever talk to him about how you felt about it? at least find a time when you're in bed to tell him how you feel so he'll be warned and not be so shocked the first time you kiss him..

amother

Azure

Sat, Nov 14 2020, 10:34 pm

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

Count me in. I’m really struggling with this.

honeymoon

Sat, Nov 14 2020, 10:40 pm

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

Interesting, because my parents didn't show a lot of physical affection or express positive affirmation either. And because of that I am super conscious of it and give my kids loads of hugs, kisses and say "I love you" more times than I can count. Being an extremely warm and sensitive person, the lack of positive affirmation (more so than physical affection) hurts me to this very day, and therefore I strive to do differently with my kids and shower them with love.

Odelyah

Sat, Nov 14 2020, 11:00 pm

North Star wrote:

OP I think the above quote is very powerful. children need hugs. some more than others, and much better to err on the side of too much! a stroke on the cheek (not a pinch Sad

) is nice in addition to hugs and kisses, or for a kid who really doesn't want more. but even with those kids, sometimes they might want a hug too-- you have to kind of check first, periodically, and gauge their interest Smile

a light pat on the arm I think is mainly a safe minimal touch reserved for teachers and the like who have to be extremely careful with physical boundaries..

OP do you like tickling? are you absolutely certain that your kids like being tickled? personally I hate it so I would never tickle my kids. I have one kid who asked me to tickle her so I would do it but only a few seconds at a time, with breathing breaks in between, and she also had a signal for me to stop at any moment. it made her happy though Smile

OP we have to give our kids what they need, like hugs, and many other things, even it doesn't come naturally to us.

amother

Black

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 12:21 pm

Would love ideas on how to go about hugging more often especially with older teenagers.

My dh doesn't get me he says just do it!

As a couple we hug and kiss and snuggle all the time, I have no issues and love it and need it from dh. But for some reason I can't bring myself to hug or kiss my teens daily.

Ideas please?

Teomima

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 12:54 pm

amother [ Black ] wrote:

While I also can't claim to understand why you can't just hug them, perhaps you can start with getting comfortable with any physical touch in general? Rest your hand on their shoulder whether you give them positive feedback, touch their arm during a conversation, things like that. Then move on to side hugs whenever you tell them you love them or give them words of encouragement, and hopefully real hugs will follow.

I haven't been able to properly hug, or be hugged by, my elderly parents since covid began and it's been one of the hardest things about it for all of us.