Home

My dd did not share this with me, should I bring it up?
1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 10:13 am
Let me start by saying that in general my daughter- 14 , is not the type to share much with me. She would not share much about what’s going on In school, among her friends etc. she would only share something really major.
But what she didn’t share with me now is a bit surprising to me. As I can’t figure out why she wouldn’t.
I met her best friends mother and she told me that her daughter told her that my daughter didn’t tell me yet because she’s scared to. So she goes on to ask me if she still didn’t tell me. I had no clue what she was talking about so I asked her. Turns out that a girl in her class was unfortunately diagnosed with cancer and hasn’t been coming to school this year. Right after sukkos the principal came in to class one day to talk to the girls about it. She also told them that they’ll start visiting her shortly.
According to my friends mother she’s afraid to share this with me. What can be the reason? And how should I handle it?
Back to top

Stars




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 10:18 am
Sounds like she doesn’t feel very close to you.
I would start by cultivating the relationship.
Find stuff she’s interested in to talk about. Go for walks or drives together. Bake together, or cook dinner for a needy family together. Make jewelry, read a poem, plant something, whatever her language is, use that.
Call Bubby together with her.
Share stuff about your own day with her. My school aged kid loves asking me what I had for lunch After I ask him what they had.
Etc.
I think if you bring it up out of the blue she will shut down on you but after the third walk with you she might feel comfortable enough to bring it up on her own, especially if you actively work on getting her to feel closer to you. Start by sharing some of your own stuff, appropriately of course.
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 11:58 am
I agree with Stars. You need to start building a closer bond first.

It may be that she's not actually scared of you per se.

It may be that she's afraid that if she says it out loud, it will be more true. She may be having trouble processing the idea of a life threatening illness in someone her age, and she's still working through it. Talking about mortality in general can be terrifying.

You could start out by saying "I heard from the school that one of your classmates is not doing well." and work from there.

You could ask if DD wants to take on a mitzva or a chessed project in the girl's name for a refuah sheleimah. Give her something positive to do, so she'll feel like she has some control, because right now she's feeling really helpless and doesn't know what to do about it.

Mostly, just be there for her emotionally, and try to be a little bit extra understanding if she seems moody or tearful.

This happened to a girl in DD's class (Warning, really tragic) https://www.dailymail.co.uk/ne......html

Afterwards, DD's moods were all over the place, and she could be really hard to talk to at times. She needed the school counselor for months afterwards.
Back to top

ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 12:01 pm
Could it be that she's scared to share things with you?
Could be for many reasons that you have to delve into and come up with something.
She is sharing the fact of her not sharing with her friends.
Back to top

professor




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 12:05 pm
Do you call cancer "yene maxhla" and freak out if someone has it? If that's the case, I wouldn't tell you either.
Back to top

ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 12:07 pm
professor wrote:
Do you call cancer "yene maxhla" and freak out if someone has it? If that's the case, I wouldn't tell you either.
this is such a pet peeve of yours. I say 'yene machle' on purpose!! There is a reason for it, you may not like it or agree with it, but it's there nonetheless. I don't want to derail this thread, but I had to say this.
Back to top

chanchy123




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 12:09 pm
For some children illness is very very scary and traumatic. When one of my daughters was five a classmate’s mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, my daughter was terrified of illness and death even though she hardly knew that girl or her mother.
Your daughter might have anxiety surrounding this story. Or else she might be very in blasé about it and not think it’s very important or interesting to you.
I would definitely bring it up with DD, don’t make it a big deal that she didn’t share with you.
It’s odd that the school didn’t contact the parents, maybe DD just assumed you knew.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 12:54 pm
Stars wrote:
Sounds like she doesn’t feel very close to you.
I would start by cultivating the relationship.
Find stuff she’s interested in to talk about. Go for walks or drives together. Bake together, or cook dinner for a needy family together. Make jewelry, read a poem, plant something, whatever her language is, use that.
Call Bubby together with her.
Share stuff about your own day with her. My school aged kid loves asking me what I had for lunch After I ask him what they had.
Etc.
I think if you bring it up out of the blue she will shut down on you but after the third walk with you she might feel comfortable enough to bring it up on her own, especially if you actively work on getting her to feel closer to you. Start by sharing some of your own stuff, appropriately of course.


I’ve been doing everything you’re saying here all the time, probably since she was born. It’s my human nature. I have a few other teenagers and they are all different. Not sharing much with mom does not mean a child is not close to you. It’s just nature. I talk to my kids a lot. When they get home from school we sit and chat for a long time about our day. I always tell them what I did that day. They all tell me about their day. When I turn to this daughter and ask her about her day. She would say- my day was good bh. As usual. Sometimes she shares more sometimes less.
Sometimes when I try to have conversation with her, it can turn into a long one. Sometimes it will finish right there. She is not a quite kid. She’s very funny, we laugh with her about her sense of humor. She can tell me jokes. She can tell me stories. She adds a lot to our home. But when it comes to share something personal about her she would rather not. Like when she got her period for the first time she did not tell me. But neither did my other daughter who in general is different and would probably share with me about a sick classmate. Spending alone time with her does not happen often since she is not the only teenager in the house and I bh have a large family.
Back to top

ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 12:59 pm
Was this a way of getting attention from her friend? Some kids can be like that.
Ooh, I'm not gonna tell my mother about it, she won't be able to handle it! like that type of thing.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 12:59 pm
ShishKabob wrote:
this is such a pet peeve of yours. I say 'yene machle' on purpose!! There is a reason for it, you may not like it or agree with it, but it's there nonetheless. I don't want to derail this thread, but I had to say this.


Thank you.
Yes, I call it yene machla. Calling it this way doesn’t mean you freak out. Its just that a very big Rabbi once said to refrain from using the word cancer and he went on to give a brucha that those who will refrain from saying the word cancer will iyh be spared the illness

But to answer. I’m not this freaky type of person at all. But I am a very emotional person. I wonder if she’s simply afraid to share with such sad news.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:00 pm
ShishKabob wrote:
Could it be that she's scared to share things with you?
Could be for many reasons that you have to delve into and come up with something.
She is sharing the fact of her not sharing with her friends.


I’m not so sure. She may have just shared it with her best friend. I don’t know.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:02 pm
So I made my decision. I think I will bring it up later with her. And have a little talk about it.
Back to top

ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:03 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So I made my decision. I think I will bring it up later with her. And have a little talk about it.
Good luck!!!
Back to top

NotInNJMommy




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:06 pm
Well, I think you need to ask yourself why you want her to bring it up with you and what's bothering you about why she hasn't (yet).

If the idea is to make sure she is ok, there are other ways to watch for that or connect with her. Indirectly connecting or mentioning you heard about the sick friend, but letting her choose to run with that and talk about it, or not. How is she functioning otherwise?

If the idea is that you want her to share things because it shakes you up to feel the disconnect, that might be more of a "you" thing. It's hard because starting at that age, kids won't be telling parents everything. I think there are good suggestions of how to keep a connection and keep the lines of communication open. I did find, for example, one of my kids seemed to get the least one on one attention from me due to the logistics of home life. I had to make a concerted effort to plan time together, even just running some errands together just us. I even just laid it out for her, that I think it's hard for us to find time to connect just us, so it's nice when we can do things one on one. etc.

Maybe it's some of both.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:12 pm
NotInNJMommy wrote:
Well, I think you need to ask yourself why you want her to bring it up with you and what's bothering you about why she hasn't (yet).

If the idea is to make sure she is ok, there are other ways to watch for that or connect with her. Indirectly connecting or mentioning you heard about the sick friend, but letting her choose to run with that and talk about it, or not. How is she functioning otherwise?

If the idea is that you want her to share things because it shakes you up to feel the disconnect, that might be more of a "you" thing. It's hard because starting at that age, kids won't be telling parents everything. I think there are good suggestions of how to keep a connection and keep the lines of communication open. I did find, for example, one of my kids seemed to get the least one on one attention from me due to the logistics of home life. I had to make a concerted effort to plan time together, even just running some errands together just us. I even just laid it out for her, that I think it's hard for us to find time to connect just us, so it's nice when we can do things one on one. etc.

Maybe it's some of both.


Of course I would like for her to share things with me, just like any mother would like. And, yes I’m wondering why she wouldn’t share something like that with me. But if she chooses not to share with me, that’s fine, I’m ok with that. I’ll giver her her space. I’m not gonna force her to share things with me. I’m rather questioning why she’s scared to share it with me? I’m a very talkative mom. I don’t have this ‘you go your way and I’ll go my way’ kind of attitude. We spend tons of family time together. I help her solve problems etc...what part is scaring her to share it with me???
Back to top

amother




Teal
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:15 pm
Maybe she is overwhelmed by it and needs more time to process it and she is not ready for you to "solve it" for her. Or "over-talk" it with her. I know I kind of shut down when things touch me in a deep place.
Back to top

NotInNJMommy




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:17 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Of course I would like for her to share things with me, just like any mother would like. And, yes I’m wondering why she wouldn’t share something like that with me. But if she chooses not to share with me, that’s fine, I’m ok with that. I’ll giver her her space. I’m not gonna force her to share things with me. I’m rather questioning why she’s scared to share it with me? I’m a very talkative mom. I don’t have this ‘you go your way and I’ll go my way’ kind of attitude. We spend tons of family time together. I help her solve problems etc...what part is scaring her to share it with me???


Are you sure that she's scared? Is that the mother's speculation or did your dd actually say she's scared about talking with you about it?

I would take that input as outside what was l'toeles about sharing anything with you about dd and this sick friend, etc. and give your dd the benefit of the doubt and your relationship the benefit of the doubt that she isn't scared, especially since you don't think that makes sense.

Find some way to bring up the topic in passing to give an opening...and make sure dd seems ok, etc. Don't turn that comment (which may not even be accurate) into a complex.
Back to top

amother




Rose
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:19 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you.
Yes, I call it yene machla. Calling it this way doesn’t mean you freak out. Its just that a very big Rabbi once said to refrain from using the word cancer and he went on to give a brucha that those who will refrain from saying the word cancer will iyh be spared the illness

But to answer. I’m not this freaky type of person at all. But I am a very emotional person. I wonder if she’s simply afraid to share with such sad news.


Calling cancer "yene machla" doesn't prevent disease, but it does stigmatize it. That may play into your daughter's discomfort about talking to you about her friend's illness.

I don't think you need to blame yourself for her reticence, though. Sometimes a sensitive person just needs to process things on her own.

As others have said, provide her with the opening to speak to you by letting her know that you are aware of her friend's cancer.

Refua sheleima, may we hear good things.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:27 pm
NotInNJMommy wrote:
Are you sure that she's scared? Is that the mother's speculation or did your dd actually say she's scared about talking with you about it?

I would take that input as outside what was l'toeles about sharing anything with you about dd and this sick friend, etc. and give your dd the benefit of the doubt and your relationship the benefit of the doubt that she isn't scared, especially since you don't think that makes sense.


Since I’m hearing it from third party, I obviously can’t be sure that’s the reason. I’m just saying what the mother told me. And that is what her daughter told her.
I don’t think it makes sense. Because why would it make sense. Why shouldn’t she share it? The only things she usually doesn’t share is either if it’s something personal about herself, wether it’s about school, friends, teaches etc. Or if it’s nothing major and she doesn’t feel the need to share. But something like this, imo is something major, major enough to share.
Back to top

NotInNJMommy




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:32 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Since I’m hearing it from third party, I obviously can’t be sure that’s the reason. I’m just saying what the mother told me. And that is what her daughter told her.
I don’t think it makes sense. Because why would it make sense. Why shouldn’t she share it? The only things she usually doesn’t share is either if it’s something personal about herself, wether it’s about school, friends, teaches etc. Or if it’s nothing major and she doesn’t feel the need to share. But something like this, imo is something major, major enough to share.


At 14, she might be transitioning to getting more peer support than parental support, which is normal.

Keep the lines open and try not to over think it.
Back to top
1, 2  Next Recent Topics

Page 1 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Pre teen DD behavioral theatrics
by amother
15 Today at 8:14 pm View last post
Dd throws away stained underwear during period
by amother
52 Yesterday at 7:30 am View last post
Funniest/cutest/creative/original costumes- please share
by amother
21 Sun, Feb 28 2021, 8:40 pm View last post
DD developing at a really young age..
by amother
42 Sun, Feb 28 2021, 2:43 pm View last post
Dd lost keys now what? advice needed
by amother
7 Sun, Feb 28 2021, 11:51 am View last post