I can't handle this every single year!!!

amother

cornflower

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:05 pm

Mom and mil here. I’m theone who always comes last because I don’t want my kids to deal with arguments and anguish. They let me know when the other side schedules and we work around it. And sometimes one couple can’t come. Such is life.
If your arrangement is to switch families every year, stick to it.

You cannot make everyone happy

amother

Mauve

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:09 pm

I think If it’s your MIL’s turn then you can only do you mom’s idea if MIL agrees....

But I have no experience with these issues... nobody invites us lol we sit alone all eight nights so count your blessings...
Good luck!

SixOfWands

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:12 pm

Its your husband's turn to be with his family. That, pretty much, is that.

There's no rule that all parties must be motzei Shabbat. Nothing wrong with Sunday afternoon. In fact, with the pandemic, nothing wrong with zoom.

amother

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:16 pm

Thanks for the answers everyone.

Just to clarify, the way my mom sees it is that we went to her one year and in-laws one year, so now we're equal. As such, we can start fresh now with a new idea.....and that we should do this every year from now on.

It's interesting that most of you think it's best to just trade off years. I dunno anymore.

I happen to personally think my mom's idea isn't too bad, (aside front the fact that it's pressuring for us) because this way we can see both families.
Her biggest complaint is that we don't see my brothers who's are home from Yeshiva from sukkos until pesach....this way we can see brothers from both sides....

Ugh this is so ridiculous. I can't anymore.

And to the poster who said we shld count our blessings and feel loved, well, we don't. We just feel harassed and pressured.
Neither of them care about us, they just care about themselves.

amother

Linen

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:18 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for the answers everyone.

Just to clarify, the way my mom sees it is that we went to her one year and in-laws one year, so now we're equal. As such, we can start fresh now with a new idea.....and that we should do this every year from now on.

It's interesting that most of you think it's best to just trade off years. I dunno.

I happen to personally think my mom's idea isn't too bad, (aside front the fact that it's pressuring for us) because this way we can see both families.
Her biggest complaint is that we don't see my brothers who's are home from Yeshiva from sukkos until pesach....this way we can see brothers from both sides....

Ugh this is so ridiculous. I can't anymore. Neither of them care about us, they just care about themselves.

Which is why you should do what works for you & DH and that's it. You shouldn't let either of your parents to try to control your life.

Sprinkles1

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:19 pm

Quote:

Her biggest complaint is that we don't see my brothers who's are home from Yeshiva from sukkos until pesach....this way we can see brothers from both sides....

The brothers leave right away Sunday morning?

amother

Magenta

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:24 pm

You're only married 3years, I'm married more, and I've learned (about my own mother no less) to do what works for YOU.

Last baby my mother was out of the country, I fretted she would miss the bris. This upcoming baby I know she will be on vacation only a state away, I don't give a darn anymore, if she's there she will come and if not my bris will carry on without her. And this is a bris mind you, not a dumb chanukah party.

Learn to do what works for your own immediate family (dh and baby) and if that means not seeing your own brothers for a year, sorry that's life. As in, your life now is your new little family.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:38 pm

I mean, it's simple logic that when a person marries, they now have two families and holidays have to be split. Such is life. You came up with a fair division, and should keep with the pattern. Messing with that sets up a precedent that will make the pressure worse. If your mom wants to sulk about it (and your mil next year), that's their problem. Until we figure out how to apparate like in Harry Potter, you just can't be in two places at once.

amother

Purple

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:39 pm

I think your mother's idea is a good one.
Don't YOU want to see your brothers and grandparents?
But again, if this doesn't work for you, you can't do it

And STOP with the turn taking. Its never going to be even-steven. Every occassion should be viewed on its own merits. Of course you try to spend time with both, but if you say you're turn taking, you'll never finish fielding the complaints.

amother

Lavender

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:43 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What's your mother's plan when more kids get married? Isn't it inevitable that there will be years where different kids will be missing from the party? This is part of marrying off kids - accepting they will not be always available when you want them to be.

amother

Orange

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:53 pm

I kinda think it makes sense to go for shabbos to one and then go on motzei shabbos to the other. I don't think it's that crazy to travel. Shabbos is over pretty early.

What would make the most sense would be them switching off making the party on motzei shabbos and the other making it on sunday so that every year you can be at both parties....

amother

Lavender

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:55 pm

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

And then the other kids get married and there can very well be conflicts on other days. It's a losing battle, imo. It's the parents with the least married kids who generally have the more flexibility in this.

mommyhood

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 7:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ty for the validation.

DH thinks that either way someone will be upset, so we should just do what's more convenient for us, and not drive the extra two hours, which ends up being his mother's way.🙄

I would also add that splitting it is likely just going to make BOTH sides upset because nobody actually got what they want. Even if you’re mother claims to be ok with the idea chances are whoever gets you for Shabbos won’t be happy that you’re racing out the door a second Shabbos is over and whoever gets you Motzei Shabbos will resent that you missed the family Shabbos and because of you it didn’t include everyone.

stillnewlywed

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 8:18 pm

If neither one is okay with pushing the party off until Sunday so you can attend both then obviously they couldn’t care less about trying to make it work for you. In that case, you do what works for you and don’t spend any extra effort traveling M”S to get to the other place.