I have emunah, but my bitachon feels lost forever.

amother

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 3:03 am

I have full emunah. I know hashem is involved inthe greater picture.
But my bitachon, my trust in hashem has fallen so far down, I dont know how to get it back.
And yes, even though I have the emunah in hashem and some might say if I have emunah the bitachon will follow. But for me it doesnt.
Too many not good things have happened in my lifetime that my bitachon is just gone. I feel extremely negative in hashem and dont feel any trust for him. I also feel deserted by god as well.
I dont know how I can ever get that back. Ive read books. And I even have tried faking it until I make it. Its been years and years. Nothing is working or helping. Am I just going to go forever without bitachon? Crying

PinkFridge

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 9:12 am

I was going to say fake it till you make it, then I read your last sentence.
Do you have healthy gashmiyus in your life? Can you exercise, eat well, try to sleep, and, of course get lots of humor into your day? If you have an Artscroll siddur, look at the explanation to the words in Hallel, Lo hameisim yehallelu Ka. It is not mussar, that a dried out lulav can't be used for the mitzvah, it's instructions to try to "moisturize," get something in your life that makes you happy and animates you. When you have that kind of background, sometimes you can be more receptive to the feelings and thoughts you want to try to get back.
Hugs!!! And hatzlacha on the journey. (Actually, it's not like you get there and have arrived, it's a life-long avodah. Don't get discouraged by that thought!)

amother

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 9:42 am

amother [ Amber ] wrote:

What does bitochon mean to you that you feel you are lacking?

To me bitachon means trust in hashem. How can I have trust in hashem when for the last very long time, he has let me down so many times and not with little things like not letting me get a good parking spot. Big things. Life changing things. I feel like god has just not ever said yes to me and just all around forgotten about me and only given me big bad things that there is no way to trust him again for anything good or positive.

amother

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 9:44 am

Violet123 wrote:

Please pm me
I have lots to share but don't feel comfortable doing it publicly

Sorry but I want to remain anonymous, so wont work.
(Just so you realize, you could have replied anonymously)

amother

Sienna

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 9:48 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sorrhy but I want to remain anonymous, so wont work.
(Just so you realize, you could have replied anonymously)

I know but too many people know my story and I would've shared my own challenges in the response so that wouldn't have worked.
I'm very open personally but publicly would be too much.
Hatzlacha

amother

Papaya

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 9:54 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I know how you feel.

I've seen great kindnesses from Hashem, but there are some major parts of my life that I've just seen Hashem allow the unthinkable to happen and continue happening.

Then, I'm afraid since I am not feeling that trust when it comes to those things, that he won't help me...and it's a vicious cycle.

Yes, there's learning all the good things/seforim, and I do some of that. But I think this is largely tefillah where I need to work on this and tell Hashem what's bothering me or not working for me and why, and ask him for help or to at least consider it like I do have bitachon in him, for his/Torah's/klal yisroel's sake, not mine.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 10:39 am

I completely hear you. I genuinely believe everything is from Hashem. But I have been through periods when when the mantra is Hashem has a plan, Hashem has a plan, I just can't see the big picture, Hashem has a plan. That combined with wondering why Hashem hates me, and assuming everything I ask for is just going to be another big fat no.
I try to focus on what Hashem did give me and appreciate the bracha in my life. But sometimes it's hard when you are balancing IF and unemployment and the win is a awesome parking spot (which too is not luck but rather given to you from Hashem.)

Not looking for sympathy or hugs, just illustrating a point.

amother

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 10:44 am

amother [ Navy ] wrote:

I would love if we could have a support group on this subject, and tefillah as well. They are both interconnected.

I'm struggling with both of these issues for years.

Im the OP. I have not davened in over 15 years. Not stepped into shul in close to 10 years. And I am 100% sure that it is connected. If I dont trust hashem, why would I daven to him when, in the past I davened and nothing good happened, even sometimes bad things happened.

ShishKabob

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 10:49 am

Can you try to listen to a shiur in Bitachon for just 5 minutes each day? And see if that helps anything?
I'm a big fan of Rabbi Ashear. I listen to his shiurim via Chazak Hotline. In Monsey the number is 845-356-6665, menu options, 4, 1, 1, 1#. For me and for many people this has really been an injection in the arm and has helped them cope and strengthen their Bitachon.

Btw, just the fact that you are acknowledging a lack in the area, means that you have some of it, hidden somewhere within you!
Wishing you the best of hatzlocha and brocha and may your life turn around for the better! Hugs!

amother

Pewter

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 10:51 am

Anyone else ever feel in regard to tifillah-why bother, Hashem is just going to say no anyway.
But then do because I am always scared that it could be worse and if I don't appreciate what I have and how good Hashem is to me that he will take away all the goodness in my life, and if I am objective and not just feeling my imminent pain, I do have plenty.
But if I am honest, the davening is rushed, to check off a box that I did it, not actually speaking to Hashem.

ETA-OP, we crossed posts. I only saw yours after I wrote. You are not alone.

amother

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 10:51 am

ShishKabob wrote:

Thanks. Shiurim dont do anything for me sadly.
(Also, I am not in america, so this would not work)

amother

Pewter

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 11:11 am

ShishKabob wrote:

Not to deter anyone for shuiring and working on their relationship with Hashem, but does anyone else find that often these shuirim (and I have not listened to these and not referring to these specifically) anger you? The prerecord/not audience participation (meaning me personally), the telling me how to feel without you having been in my shoes and inability to understand my situation. Tends to make me feel frustrated more than anything.
Maybe if I had more bitachon Hashem would answer me yes or maybe I would just set myself up for more disappoint? Only Hashem knows.

amother

Papaya

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 11:19 am

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Many shiurim do leave me feeling that way.

I've found Rabbi YY Jacobson shiurim generally do not leave me feeling that way.

ShishKabob

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 11:26 am

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Do yourself a favor, ok, do me a favor and listen to this shiur just once. See if it does it for you. You can't lose. It's just 5 minutes. (I don't get commission for this Smile

)

amother

Amber

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 11:57 am

ShishKabob wrote:

Do yourself a favor, ok, do me a favor and listen to this shiur just once. See if it does it for you. You can't lose. It's just 5 minutes. (I don't get commission for this Smile

)

I think the difficulty with these types of emunah books and shiurim is that most of the time they have a happy ending. A man was poor and sick and he had emunah and he got better. So they inspire people to believe and hope for a fix to their problem. If a person is struggling for a long time, these type of stories with magical good endings are difficult to relate to.

I called the number. I heard various people say they are dedicating learning for various fixes in their life. One person needs health, another parnassah, and another a shidduch. And that's exactly the difficulty. These shiurim and books often train us to believe that emunah and bitochon will lead to the problem getting fixed. I'm not sure there's any connection.