3yo bites me | Imamother

FranticFrummie

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 1:12 pm

How are his language skills?

My sister and I used to bite each other black and blue. My mom constantly tried to stop us, but we had to just grow out of it. I'm not sure when or why we stopped.

I don't remember biting my parents at all. I may have, but if I did I probably got a good potch for it.

amother

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 1:27 pm

He expresses what he wants but sometimes it's something I won't give into at the moment like a cookie or YouTube. I put him in his bed with the door shut and have him kiss the bite

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 1:28 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He expresses what he wants but sometimes it's something I won't give into at the moment like a cookie or YouTube. I put him in his bed with the door shut and have him kiss the bite

But does he have other ways to express how he feels? He’s not going to teach himself.

amother

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 1:31 pm

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

But does he have other ways to express how he feels? He’s not going to teach himself.

Usually by hitting or carrying on. He's not a behavioral child but he has tantrums

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 1:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Usually by hitting or carrying on. He's not a behavioral child but he has tantrums

Can you try to teach him?

“Sweetie, you are so upset that Mommy isn’t giving you a cookie. You can’t bite me. It’s not cookie time now. If you need to bite, you can bite this toy, but never ever Mommy.”
Eventually, when he calms down you can practice different ways to express himself.
“We were so mad because we wanted that yummy cookie. Can we try to say “mommy, I’m sad” or “mommy, when can I have a cookie?” Etc”

#BestBubby

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 1:35 pm

Most important thing is to NEVER give in to his tantrums.

Second most important thing is to NOT let him get you upset or even angry - which is what he wants.

Put him in time-out but pretend like you don't care about his tantrums or even his hitting/biting.

Be patient. It will take time.

keym

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 1:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Usually by hitting or carrying on. He's not a behavioral child but he has tantrums

I try to verbalize what he's likely thinking during the tantrum. Over and over.
"Yossi is so angry. Mommy said no more cookies and Yossi is so angry that he wants to bite. When Yossi feels angry, he wants to bite, but we're not allowed to bite people. But Yossi is so angry"

amother

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 1:41 pm

[quote="amother [ Sapphire ]"]Can you try to teach him?

“Sweetie, you are so upset that Mommy isn’t giving you a cookie. You can’t bite me. It’s not cookie time now. If you need to bite, you can bite this toy, but never ever Mommy.”

When he's in middle of a tantrum he won't want to hear of anything else
When he didn't listen yesterday and I told him he cant have a snack for not listening, he acted out. I told him a few times that he can choose an apple or banana and eventually he gave in. But I don't know where he learnt the biting from.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 1:45 pm

[quote="amother [ OP ]"]

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

Can you try to teach him?

“Sweetie, you are so upset that Mommy isn’t giving you a cookie. You can’t bite me. It’s not cookie time now. If you need to bite, you can bite this toy, but never ever Mommy.”

When he's in middle of a tantrum he won't want to hear of anything else
When he didn't listen yesterday and I told him he cant have a snack for not listening, he acted out. I told him a few times that he can choose an apple or banana and eventually he gave in. But I don't know where he learnt the biting from.

You are absolutely right. There’s no way logic will work when your child is mid-tantrum. The only thing that works is connecting with him on an emotional level. Label emotions and sympathize. “You are so mad and sad. You want a cookie, and Mommy said no. And now you’re so angry. I’m holding you back so you don’t bite me, because I don’t let biting. You want to bite me because you’re upset that I’m not giving you a cookie.”
The tantrum will dissolve in a few short minutes, and then you can use logic

FranticFrummie

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 2:02 pm

He didn't "learn" biting, unless another kid bit him first. It's actually pretty instinctual. If my cat's bowl is empty, she meows a lot. If I ignore her, she comes over and gives me a little nip on my arm.

Don't bother negotiating with a tantrum. You can say something sympathetic, but if he carries on, walk away and get busy with something. Let him throw himself down at your feet and have a fit, and he'll wear himself out eventually. Trying to cheer him up will only make the tantrum last longer.

After you've tried to talk to him, any other reaction, positive or negative, is going to reinforce that biting and tantruming is going to get you to pay attention to him.

Empathize, try to get him to use his words, and then walk away. Don't bother talking any more sense into him until he is acting nicely.

Get him evaluated for speech and language skills. If he can't talk properly, then until then biting will be his main form of communication.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 2:05 pm

I forgot to add, GET RID OF JUNK FOOD AND SCREEN TIME!

I promise you, he'll be worse for a week, and then 90% better from then on. Your child is acting like an addict, because that is what he is. Would you give your kid heroin? He's tantruming because he's in withdrawal.

Make sure he gets lots of healthy food and protein instead. Low blood sugar combined with starch cravings is enough to make a grown up have a tantrum.

amother

Sienna

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 5:57 pm

I am NOT into physical punishments for misbehavior...except for in this situation. Biting is not okay and dangerous. The first time the kid bites you say "No biting. If you bite, you will have to get pepper in your mouth to show you that biting is not okay."

The second time he bites, RIGHT AWAY you put a TINY dab of black pepper or sriracha sauce on his tongue. TINY!! This is not abuse. It does has to be right away for this to work.

When I have used this I have never had a kid bite again.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 6:01 pm

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

I forgot to add- Right away you give a huge hug and say "I'm so sorry I had to do that. Biting is not okay. I never want to do that again. I love you so much."

You realize he can do the exact same thing to you. He can bite and have the logic of “I’m so sorry I had to do that. I wanted a cookie. I never want to do that again. I love you so much.”
That’s literally what you are teaching him, plus it’s confusing for the poor little 3 year old, who is new to this Earth and the English Language and feelings.

amother

Sienna

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 6:34 pm

I don't agree. I don't believe in potching/spanking or other forms of corporal punishment.
This, however, is a clear negative consequence- your mouth bites, you get pepper, you are about to bite again and mom says "no biting; remember the pepper?" and you remember the experience (given with comfort afterwards) and say hm no, I don't want to do that again.

I don't think it's confusing at all. It's conditioning. After once (or maaaaybe twice) the kid is not going down that route again.

AGAIN, this is in the context of an overall loving, warm relationship between parent and child. I am not advocating for abuse or corporal punishment in general. This is an isolated teaching tool for biting only.

amother

Blush

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 7:40 pm

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

I think this can be really dangerous because you can burn a mouth with pepper, unless you are talking about a tiny drop. Maybe vinegar is a better choice if you want to go that route?