Please help me be a better mother when I’m exhausted

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:40 pm

I love my kids deeply, they are seriously my whole world. Yet, there are certain things I cannot handle no matter how hard I try and I end up yelling and even potching my kids. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be a mother who would ever put her hands on her kids. However, I realize that I have my own emotional difficulties that make it so difficult for me to remain calm and have self control, especially when my kids are fighting or being difficult about bedtime- because by that time I’m exhausted. I have a baby who’s a few months old and my 4 year old has recently become SO difficult about going to bed. She shares a room with her older sister and this prevents my 6 year old from being able to go to sleep. The 2 of them go back and forth between fighting and laughing and making each other wild and I just can’t handle it. This is after a long bedtime routine. By 9pm, I am so beyond exhausted from them that I end up screaming, yelling, threatening, and even hitting the child who refuses to stay in her bed. And even that doesn’t work. And here I am hating myself because I can’t parent properly or control my own temper. I just cannot seem to handle not having any breaks from my kids from early in the morning until 9:30pm. (And yes, my husband helps a ton, but also has a ton of work to do after kids go to bed).

hodeez

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:42 pm

Cut the routine short, what are they doing until 9? At that point they're over tired and just annoying on principle.

amother

Denim

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:43 pm

Is your husband home during bedtime? Does he know that you keep losing your temper? It sounds like he needs to do his share (I don’t like to say help since they’re his kids too) This doesn’t sound like it’s sustainable.

amother

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:43 pm

[quote="amother [ OP ]"]I love my kids deeply, they are seriously my whole world. Yet, there are certain things I cannot handle no matter how hard I try and I end up yelling and even slapping my kids. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be a mother who would ever put her hands on her kids. However, I realize that I have my own emotional difficulties that make it so difficult for me to remain calm and have self control, especially when my kids are fighting or being difficult about bedtime- because by that time I’m exhausted. I have a baby who’s a few months old and my 4 year old has recently become SO difficult about staying in her bed. She shares a room with her older sister and this prevents my 6 year old from being able to go to sleep. The 2 of them go back and forth between fighting and laughing and making each other wild and I just can’t handle it. This is after a long bedtime routine. By 9pm, I am so beyond exhausted from them that I end up screaming, yelling, threatening, and even hitting the child who refuses to stay in her bed. And even that doesn’t work. And here I am hating myself because I can’t parent properly or control my own temper. I cannot seem to handle having zero breaks from my kids from early in the morning until 9:30pm. I cater to them and clean up after then all dat long. (And yes, my husband helps a ton, but also has a ton of work to do after kids go to bed).

amother

Maroon

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:45 pm

I bought a huge package of gel pens and every day they get to choose one to keep if they went to sleep nicely the day before.

exaustedmom

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:45 pm

You seem overwhelmed! If you ever get to the point that you want to hit your child, take a deep breath and walk out of the room. Take a couple of minutes to yourself, have a cold drink and when you are calmer go back.

amother

Oak

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:46 pm

My advice may not b conventional but it worked wonders for me. I also had insane time getting my little ones into bed. I was walking out of the room at 10pm then had to start cleaning. It was NOT doable at all. I gave them melatonin (1/2 melochew) for 1 week every night 20 min b4 I wanted them in bed to help reprogram their internal clocks. It worked wonders. My kids are Bh sleeping by 730/8 every night. I’m able to start bath at 630. Then head into bedtime routine. It also helped my 10 yr old. Bc the younger ones were going in earlier she was able to settle down on her own earlier which pushed her bedtime up earlier! Win win!!

exaustedmom

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:46 pm

I also find helpful to stagger bedtimes so the little ones sharing a room won't keep each other's up. First put your 4 year old to sleep and a half hour later, put the six year old.

amother

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:48 pm

amother [ Denim ] wrote:

Yes he does most of their bedtime routine, reading them stories etc. while I’m putting baby to sleep. Yet we are having this consistent problem with our 4 year old refusing to go to sleep. She seems to need less sleep than other kids but I agree, this is not sustainable which is why I end up screaming at her and using force to try and get her to stay in her bed!

amother

Sienna

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:48 pm

Hugs

Bedtime is HARD. You need a strategy.

Some ideas:

I know someone who makes sure to put her little kids to bed each in a separate room, and then moves them once they are asleep. You can put 4 yo dd to sleep in your room and then transfer her once she's solid.

Another idea is to put on audio for them to listen to, like a story CD or similar. They won't want to talk to each other because they'll be busy listening. A noise machine is also great.

You have to make bedtime work for you. It shouldn't stretch on all night. Let's keep problem solving until you have a good plan you can put into place, and then tweak as you experiment with what works and what doesn't.

feigeleh

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:49 pm

Let one of them fall asleep in your bed (turns or the one being least wild if they think it’s a treat). When dh comes home he can carry them over.

amother

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:50 pm

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

Thank you for such practical advice. I def need to look into this. Where do you get it from? Need prescription?

amother

Oak

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you for such practical advice. I def need to look into this. Where do you get it from? Need prescription?

I bought from pharmacy. But pls kno this is temporary. My pediatrician told me for 1 week it’s ok. But def not to use it consistently. Hatzlocha! Pls lemme kno shud u choose to do this if it works.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:54 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Can you put the baby to sleep afterward?

amother

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:55 pm

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

Thank you, the way you wrote this was so sensitive and caring, especially when I’m feeling so sad right now, seriously wanting to go to sleep and never wake up after what j went through tonight. So thank you again for your kind words. I may look into some audible cds. We currently use a noise machine with music but one wants it and one doesn’t so it’s always an ongoing battle with that.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:55 pm

Please stop slapping your children. They will grow to fear you and resent you. I was abused as a child and still have nightmares about it, among other issues. There are parent hotlines out there you can call when you’re frustrated. Just walk away, hide in a closet, whatever you need to do.

SuperWify

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:56 pm

Any way you can separate the 2 kids?

I recently had my nephew over and it was a nightmare trying to get them both to sleep. I finally separated them and they fell asleep immediately.

amother

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:57 pm

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

Can you put the baby to sleep afterward?

The problem is getting my 4 year old to stay in bed before 9:30 so no, I cannot put baby in after them.

amother

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:59 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Any way you can separate the 2 kids?

I recently had my nephew over and it was a nightmare trying to get them both to sleep. I finally separated them and they fell asleep immediately.

I wish!!! We don’t have any more bedrooms since baby was born! Was much easier when they each had their own room!! Sad

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:59 pm

exaustedmom wrote:

I also find helpful to stagger bedtimes so the little ones sharing a room won't keep each other's up. First put your 4 year old to sleep and a half hour later, put the six year old.

I second this. Put them separately to bed.

I find it helpful to prepare them before with a time (ex: when the clock is at the 6, A goes to bed. And when it's at the 12, B goes.) When the time comes, announce firmly, "ok, it's at the 6:00. Time for A to go" .

Also I think you need to start the whole process earlier. My routine takes a full hr, I start 7:00 and by 8:00 they must be in bed. Of course all kinds of excuses crop up at night, but I stand my ground. Tomorrow is another day...

And when I'm done, I take a deep breath. It is exhausting.

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