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Bar mitzvah money

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:49 pm
We're receiving checks in the mail made out to my husband and I from his aunts, uncles, etc. The envelopes and cards/letter is also made out to us as a couple, not my son. Is this money meant for us, or for him?

(Each check is a couple hundred dollars, not more. If it's meant for us, I would feel comfortable using it towards the bar mitzvah costs, which are significant and not easy for us. If it's meant for him, it will be put away for his future use.)
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:52 pm
Are there no letters with the checks? I'd imagine they're for your son though. All the money that we received were for our son. Bank transfers, checks etc.

My son blew all his money already and his bar mitzvah was only in November!
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amother




Sapphire
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:54 pm
Absolutely The Bar Mitzvah boy!!
Sent through you in case he does not have his own account set up. Unless it is well known that you cannot afford to make said child a bar mitzvah and relatives were asked to help pitch in for the cost by other family members. If this is not the case then the money is a gift for the Bar Mitzvah boy. If someone sends back a reply card to wedding invitation with money even if it’s addressed to parents, the money is for the couple NOT to help cover the cost of the wedding.
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amother




Sapphire
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:56 pm
My son blew all his money already and his bar mitzvah was only in November![/quote]
That’s unfortunate as It is the responsibility of the parents to put that money away for him. Yes it is meant for him but A 13 year old is not mature enough for that. My friends and I have all set up accounts for our boys with their Bar Mitzvah money. This should I be a lesson for you and for your son.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:58 pm
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
Are there no letters with the checks? I'd imagine they're for your son though. All the money that we received were for our son. Bank transfers, checks etc.

My son blew all his money already and his bar mitzvah was only in November!


The letters were written to us not to him, which is what was confusing me.
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groisamomma




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 8:01 pm
Whatever you spent on his bar mitzva was a choice you and dh made; people don't usually reimburse the ba'al simchah's expenses unless discussed beforehand.
It's for your son. I remember my mother pocketing some wedding cash that came in and thinking how distasteful that was.
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amother




Blue
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 8:16 pm
For my son.

The only money we kept was money we were given toward bar mitzvah. In laws gave a check and my parents gave a check toward tefillin but they specified it was for that.

All other money we put in bank for son and discussed what to do with it. In the end put in vanguard mutual funds so he could watch it grow and learn from it.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 8:19 pm
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
Are there no letters with the checks? I'd imagine they're for your son though. All the money that we received were for our son. Bank transfers, checks etc.

My son blew all his money already and his bar mitzvah was only in November!


I can’t comprehend this. Your son is a child, how can you allow him to blow all his money? We let my son keep $100. The other $6000 was put in the bank for when he turns 18.
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 8:21 pm
The money can be split. This is what my friends did, and I plan to to the same.

1) Ma'aser is calculated, and given to the tzedakah chosen by the boy.

The remaining money is split into three:

2) One third goes to the parents to help fund the Bar Mitzvah.
3) One third gets invested in a savings account for the boy.
4) One third he is allowed to spend on some big item that he would not normally be able to buy. Whatever is left after this item is purchased he is allowed to fritter.

There are a lot of lessons there about halachic obligations now that he is Bar Mitzvah, the value of money and how to save and spend. After each of the Bar Mitzvahs they sat down with each boy to calculate the divisions of the money and what would happen to each section, so he was involved in the whole process.

Those boys are now adults, and have never expressed any resentment, and have done the same with their own sons Bar Mitzvahs.
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 8:31 pm
mommy3b2c wrote:
I can’t comprehend this. Your son is a child, how can you allow him to blow all his money? We let my son keep $100. The other $6000 was put in the bank for when he turns 18.


It wasn't that much! He received about £500. He had a lockdown bar mitzvah, he didn't really have much other money so he was looking forward to having his own money to spend. He spent £200 of it on a Nintendo switch. About £100 on games for it. I think he deserved to spend it on himself. Save for what? Let him enjoy himself in the here and now. If he would've received 1000's it obviously would've been a different story.

My in laws bought his tefillin and paid generously towards the simcha too.
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amother




Blue
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 8:32 pm
mommy3b2c wrote:
I can’t comprehend this. Your son is a child, how can you allow him to blow all his money? We let my son keep $100. The other $6000 was put in the bank for when he turns 18.
that is slot. My son got $1500 and that was a lot among his friends.
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DVOM




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 8:36 pm
We will be splitting by thirds.

One third for bar mitzvah costs, one third to savings, one third to the bar mitzvah boy to spend and save with our oversight, approval, and veto power.

Thank God, it looks like we will not need to use the third for his bar mitzvah expenses. We came up with this formula when our finances were much worse off than they are now. We are making a simple party and keeping to what we can afford. We'll be adding it to my son's savings. We're not planning on telling him though. We think it's healthy that he feels some ownership and responsibility for his celebration. We feel it's made him a thoughtful and reasonable spender to believe that some of his own money is funding all the fun things he wants for his party.

Editing to add: I doubt he will be making much money. My parents and in laws are not wealthy, and we socialize in a very simple, low key crowd.
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 8:59 pm
It's for the boy. Checks are made out to you because not all kids have bank accounts.
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amother




Tan
 

Post Sat, Feb 13 2021, 10:29 pm
Unless it's a close relative, and the check is indicated that it is for the parents to cover the cost, the money is meant for the BM boy.
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