Anything to know before becoming an avel

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Forum -> Judaism -> Halachic Questions and Discussions

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amother

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 8:48 pm

A relative isn’t doing well, is there anything to know before becoming an avel? And during? Can an avel hug their spouse?

Zehava

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 8:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

A relative isn’t doing well, is there anything to know before becoming an avel? And during? Can an avel hug their spouse?

You can touch but can’t have relations. No jewelry at levaya or shivah. Wear something you can part with because it will get torn. Wear a shell underneath. No leather shoes. You can’t do mitzvahs before the person is buried so no brachos davening etc.

amother

Emerald

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 8:56 pm

No hugging a spouse:( aveilus is really hard. I wish someone would have told me to take a shower and cut my nails when we knew it was imminent...

amother

Slategray

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 8:56 pm

Buy whatever new items you need now.
Shower. Cut hair and nails. Have someone do the laundry.
Besuros Tovos.

amother

Babypink

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 9:07 pm

Hugs OP, my husband just lost his mom and it's really really tough. During shiva people are extremely giving and the whole commotion helps to distract everyone from the tragedy. But when the aveilim get up the hard part begins. Then it's time to go back to real life, and the spouse and kids will also have to adjust to a new reality. Being chazzan for a minyan 3x a day can really take over a man's life and it will be difficult to travel or go on vacation during the first year. Someone told me that this is a "giving year" for the spouse. it's a year where people won't necessarily ask how you're doing even if you're struggling to keep afloat, and your spouse will not be the person you're used to. You'll need to cut them a lot of slack and constantly remind yourself what pain they're in. Framing it as "giving" helps me a lot, and I also know that it will get better. Sending comfort OP, whatever the future brings.

amother

Fuchsia

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 9:13 pm

My husband recently went through this. Take a shower and cut nails/hair. It's such a hard place to be!!

amother

Wine

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 9:18 pm

Try to buy new clothes and wear them at least once if possible.

amother

Amethyst

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 9:22 pm

Honestly? Don't ask too many questions. Remember that if you ask, then you have to follow the answer. Just find out the main halachos and don't stress yourself about the lesser known ones until you're in a place, mentally, to hear it.

amother

Black

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 9:27 pm

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

My MIL passed away recently when my (csection) baby was 5 weeks old. Selfishly: shiva was so so so so hard of me. He was so limited (practically. Not really halachic ally)with what he was able to do both with the baby and our other children. I pushed off PP Mikvah which sx aside (wasn’t going to have that tol after 6 week check up) I couldn’t rely on him (obviously) to be available for child care for me to prep and go out. Adjusting to supportive spouse in terms of Kaddish (made 100000 x harder now during Covid) has taken a lot of getting used to. BH several months have passed and it’s gotten easier (for me)

amother

Floralwhite

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 9:33 pm

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

I wish someone would have told me this when I was going through it. It was my worst year of marriage by far.

PinkFridge

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 9:57 pm

I'll second or third take a shower.
The halachos are challenging but healing.
Shiva isn't just for rehashing the last difficult tekufa, it's to process the whole life and our relationships.
Hugs!

meme6

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 10:00 pm

Before finding out or calling anyone motzei Shabbos I ran to the shower. I made sure I had clothing that fit and didn’t need anything then. I also had my top prepared of what I will wear so I wouldn’t have to think after the bad news. When sitting shiva it’s hard on the whole family, but make sure you take this time for you. If people offer food take it

ROFL

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 10:15 pm

Cut your finger and toenails. Get a haircut Have a hairy picked out for kriah, since you are wearing the same clothing for shiva pick something comfortable and long enough for sitting on those small chairs. Make sure you have non leather shoes ready.
A lot of things that people think are Halacha are really minhag Find out what is absolute allowed and what is minhag and what is Halacha.

amother

White

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 10:18 pm

Cut your nails and/or hair. DH had long nails when his relative passed away and it bothered him tremendously not to be able to cut them for 30 days.

imasinger

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 10:21 pm

Major

to you.

Figure out if you'll want childcare help. Definitely shower and nails. Maybe ask someone else to answer the phone, so instead of telling you the news right away, they could say, "go take a shower".

When my FIL was niftar, I didn't realize about that, and called DH, who was at a friend's shiva minyan, to let him know as soon as I heard. He had to take off his tefillin, and couldn't be part of the minyan, he told me later I should have waited to let him know.

amother

Mauve

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 10:22 pm

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

No hugging a spouse:( aveilus is really hard. I wish someone would have told me to take a shower and cut my nails when we knew it was imminent...

Why? This seems so cruel.

southernbubby

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 11:16 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

Cut your nails and/or hair. DH had long nails when his relative passed away and it bothered him tremendously not to be able to cut them for 30 days.

Somehow I thought that nails could be cut for Shabbos during shloshim but men have to bite them or pick them off and women should preferably go to a non Jewish manicurist to have them cut but can cut them if necessary. I was still going to the mikvah when I list my parents and don't remember involving anyone else to cut them.
I was told not to study the halachas before the death occurred.

amother

Red

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 4:51 am

Think about your clothes. You can change the item close to your skin. So I did kriah on an overtop and put fresh undertops.

amother

Coral

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 5:23 am

I learned that it is really worth asking. when my mom was alive she always told me not to take on anything stricter than I have to because she knows how hard it is. I exercise every single day and I was told I could exercise and take a quick shower as well. I was also told that I could buy new clothes if I really needed. I don't think anything was easier necessarily because my mom said something but it madeIt easier not to feel guilty. I'm young and in good health one never knows and I told my own kids that they shouldn't do anything stripper than they have to when I die.

amother

Gray

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 5:08 pm

I packed a long skirt (easier to sit on a low chair with) that hadn't been recently washed.
I wore a shorter skirt to the levaya and changed when I came home. Pack shells or undershirts to wear under the shirt, you can change those, socks,underwear and tichels you can change. Pack a sweater or sweatshirt for wearing over the shirt, you can get cold from sitting in one place. Shoees- no leather, I wore sneakers to the levaya and then crocs the rest of the time.
You don't have to but button down or woven fabric shirts are easier to rip.
Besoros tovos, may it be a comforting, and not too uncomfortable, time.

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