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Does a Rav/Dayan have to be from your shul?

 
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Hashem_n_Farfel




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 12:08 pm
We have a Rav a friend of mine highly recommended to me and my husband that we go to.
He’s chasidish and very understanding of today’s age and what ppl are going through.

We go to him for Halacha/hashkafa questions and so far he’s Bh been very helpful. My husband goes to a dayan from shul to ask very basic things but I think we need to stick to one person to go together.
But I do think he needs a big brother figure, my mashpia told me so too (not the Rav, someone who knew me since before my geirus). We’re still trying to figure that out.

I’ve had a neighbor tell me I cannot use a random Rav just so I can find the easiest thing to do, we have to go to the Rav/dayan from the shul we go to.

I’m not comfortable with this cuz I really feel that the Rav we use is very helpful and knowledgeable and wise
When I mentioned we’ve been with him since august she said it doesn’t matter you’re not supposed to go Rav shopping.

I told her that was the Rav we found most comfortable going to and the FIRST one I actually liked.

She responds it doesn’t matter.

Now when she calls I’m scared to answer the phone so I don’t pick up but I feel bad I’m being like that.
I know it’s not good manners. My husband and her husband are chavrusas. We used to go to them for shabbos.

This is troubling me. My husband says I don’t have to listen to her but for him it’s easy to ignore these things.
But it’s kind of my fault. Sad
Whenever someone tells me they don’t like when I do abc I immediately correct it to their liking. Idk. Guess I’m the type to please people and forgetting about myself.
I do know my husband is right.
In real life I’m kind of an introvert and it’s difficult for me to make friends since I don’t open up so easily. For the first time I was relaxed instead of intimidated when I met this Rav to resolve a shalom bayis issue my husband and I were having. I guess it’s because he’s younger, like late 30s to mid 40s and just a very friendly and understanding person.

So my question is, is she right? We need to go to a Rav from our shul?
Sorry this kinda turned into a vent.
Thanks
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amother




Ruby
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 12:09 pm
Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:
We have a Rav a friend of mine highly recommended to me and my husband
He’s chasidish and very understanding of today’s age and what ppl are going through.

We go to him for Halacha/hashkafa questions and so far he’s Bh been very helpful. My husband goes to a dayan from shul to ask very basic things but I think we need to stick to one person to go together.
But I do think he needs a big brother figure, my mashpia told me so too (not the Rav, someone who knew me since before my geirus). We’re still trying to figure that out.

I’ve had a neighbor tell me I cannot use a random Rav just so I can find the easiest thing to do, we have to go to the Rav/dayan from the shul we go to.

I’m not comfortable with this cuz I really feel that the Rav we use is very helpful and knowledgeable and wise
When I mentioned we’ve been with him since august she said it doesn’t matter you’re not supposed to go Rav shopping.

I told her that was the Rav we found most comfortable going to and the FIRST one I actually liked.

She responds it doesn’t matter.

Now when she calls I’m scared to answer the phone so I don’t pick up but I feel bad I’m being like that.
I know it’s not good manners. My husband and her husband are chavrusas. We used to go to them for shabbos.

This is troubling me. My husband says I don’t have to listen to her but for him it’s easy to ignore these things.
But it’s kind of my fault. Sad
Whenever someone tells me they don’t like when I do abc I immediately correct it to their liking. Idk. Guess I’m the type to please people and forgetting about myself.
I do know my husband is right.
In real life I’m kind of an introvert and it’s difficult for me to make friends since I don’t open up so easily. For the first time I was relaxed instead of intimidated when I met this Rav to resolve a shalom bayis issue my husband and I were having. I guess it’s because he’s younger, like late 30s to mid 40s and just a very friendly and understanding person.

So my question is, is she right? We need to go to a Rav from our shul?
Sorry this kinda turned into a vent.
Thanks

No that's total garbage. Your husband is right
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zohar




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 12:15 pm
This is not true. Your rav does not need to be attached to your shul. This is very common. In the Chassidish world as well. People often don't live close to their rav. However, as I know that you are new to the community, it's wise that your rav is generally accepted and similar to the community you live in. It's important even just because of understanding the social nuances of your continuity. For example, a yekkishe rav or sefardi rav probably wouldn't be the best match for you. Also, even if you have a different rav than the shul rav, it's a good idea to form a good relationship with the rav of your shul.
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 12:18 pm
We have a rav for nidda questions, a rav for hashkafa and hadracha, and when it's a simple question like a mistake in the kitchen I text another rav who is very good at responding to texts. All three of these rabbonim are in my community and we'll regarded.
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amother




Beige
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 12:19 pm
Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:
We have a Rav a friend of mine highly recommended to me and my husband that we go to.
He’s chasidish and very understanding of today’s age and what ppl are going through.

We go to him for Halacha/hashkafa questions and so far he’s Bh been very helpful. My husband goes to a dayan from shul to ask very basic things but I think we need to stick to one person to go together.
But I do think he needs a big brother figure, my mashpia told me so too (not the Rav, someone who knew me since before my geirus). We’re still trying to figure that out.

I’ve had a neighbor tell me I cannot use a random Rav just so I can find the easiest thing to do, we have to go to the Rav/dayan from the shul we go to.

I’m not comfortable with this cuz I really feel that the Rav we use is very helpful and knowledgeable and wise
When I mentioned we’ve been with him since august she said it doesn’t matter you’re not supposed to go Rav shopping.

I told her that was the Rav we found most comfortable going to and the FIRST one I actually liked.

She responds it doesn’t matter.

Now when she calls I’m scared to answer the phone so I don’t pick up but I feel bad I’m being like that.
I know it’s not good manners. My husband and her husband are chavrusas. We used to go to them for shabbos.

This is troubling me. My husband says I don’t have to listen to her but for him it’s easy to ignore these things.
But it’s kind of my fault. Sad
Whenever someone tells me they don’t like when I do abc I immediately correct it to their liking. Idk. Guess I’m the type to please people and forgetting about myself.
I do know my husband is right.
In real life I’m kind of an introvert and it’s difficult for me to make friends since I don’t open up so easily. For the first time I was relaxed instead of intimidated when I met this Rav to resolve a shalom bayis issue my husband and I were having. I guess it’s because he’s younger, like late 30s to mid 40s and just a very friendly and understanding person.

So my question is, is she right? We need to go to a Rav from our shul?
Sorry this kinda turned into a vent.
Thanks


No, it's Baloney.
Dh never stepped foot into our ravs shul.
I never heard of such a thing.

You can tell HER that her feelings on the matter don't matter.
Its really none of her business.
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happy chick




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 12:21 pm
Absolutely not! The only rule is that you cannot "shop around", meaning you can't ask different rabbis the same question (unless you tell him that he's the second opinion). You can call a rabbi on the other side of the world if that suits you.
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amother




Cerise
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 12:32 pm
Nonsense! We are a Lubavitch family currently living in a MO community and davening in a MO shul. Rabbi is lovely and we have tremendous respect for him and a great relationship but he is in no way our rov.
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tigerwife




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 12:41 pm
No. And your rav is none of her business.

You sound like a very sweet person and also a people pleaser (it takes one to know one!). I suggest building a skin and learning to say no and have confidence in yourself. You are fabulous and smart, and no one needs to take precedence over that.
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little neshamala




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 12:45 pm
Absolute baloney.
The idea that you're not aupposed to go "Rav Shopping" is true, but it means that on Monday when one rav gives you a psak you dont like, you cant go to another one, then another one, then another one, until finally you find one who tells you what you want to hear. And then on Tuesday when you have another shayla, and one Rav tells you a psak you dont like, you cant go shopping again til you hear a psak you like. Thats what it refers to.

You absolutely CAN look around for a Rav who really understands you, is on your wavelength, who you can connect to and listen to 100% without doubting....that kind of "shopping" is perfectly fine.

Now that you've found a Rav you want to use, then excellent! Im so happy for you! There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that he would need to be the one in your shul. What absolute nonsense she told you. Its certainly convenient to have a local Rav nearby to answer basic shaylas, but as far as everything else...no need for him to be local.

So happy you found someone you both can trust.
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Crookshanks




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 12:50 pm
Totally not. You can use any Rav, you should just keep his advice and not go heter shopping once he tells you to do something. That doesn't seem like the type of thing you would do, so you are fine.
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Hashem_n_Farfel




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 1:21 pm
Great thanks!

What a relief.
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ohmygosh




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 1:25 pm
#1 She's totally wrong.

#2 You need to recognize and realize that her telling you that is completely inappropriate and overstepping her boundaries big time. It is none of her business. Don't allow her to tell you what to do in your private life.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 1:26 pm
Total bologna. Tell her something like, thanks for your input and move on.
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Just One




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 1:27 pm
little neshamala wrote:
Absolute baloney.
The idea that you're not aupposed to go "Rav Shopping" is true, but it means that on Monday when one rav gives you a psak you dont like, you cant go to another one, then another one, then another one, until finally you find one who tells you what you want to hear. And then on Tuesday when you have another shayla, and one Rav tells you a psak you dont like, you cant go shopping again til you hear a psak you like. Thats what it refers to.

You absolutely CAN look around for a Rav who really understands you, is on your wavelength, who you can connect to and listen to 100% without doubting....that kind of "shopping" is perfectly fine.

Now that you've found a Rav you want to use, then excellent! Im so happy for you! There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that he would need to be the one in your shul. What absolute nonsense she told you. Its certainly convenient to have a local Rav nearby to answer basic shaylas, but as far as everything else...no need for him to be local.

So happy you found someone you both can trust.

Exactly this. Rav shopping is making up your mind on a specific psak and then shopping around to find the rav who will ok what you want.
Finding a rav who understands you is great!
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Ima Piano




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 1:28 pm
Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:
We have a Rav a friend of mine highly recommended to me and my husband that we go to.
He’s chasidish and very understanding of today’s age and what ppl are going through.

We go to him for Halacha/hashkafa questions and so far he’s Bh been very helpful. My husband goes to a dayan from shul to ask very basic things but I think we need to stick to one person to go together.
But I do think he needs a big brother figure, my mashpia told me so too (not the Rav, someone who knew me since before my geirus). We’re still trying to figure that out.

I’ve had a neighbor tell me I cannot use a random Rav just so I can find the easiest thing to do, we have to go to the Rav/dayan from the shul we go to.

I’m not comfortable with this cuz I really feel that the Rav we use is very helpful and knowledgeable and wise
When I mentioned we’ve been with him since august she said it doesn’t matter you’re not supposed to go Rav shopping.

I told her that was the Rav we found most comfortable going to and the FIRST one I actually liked.

She responds it doesn’t matter.

Now when she calls I’m scared to answer the phone so I don’t pick up but I feel bad I’m being like that.
I know it’s not good manners. My husband and her husband are chavrusas. We used to go to them for shabbos.

This is troubling me. My husband says I don’t have to listen to her but for him it’s easy to ignore these things.
But it’s kind of my fault. Sad
Whenever someone tells me they don’t like when I do abc I immediately correct it to their liking. Idk. Guess I’m the type to please people and forgetting about myself.
I do know my husband is right.
In real life I’m kind of an introvert and it’s difficult for me to make friends since I don’t open up so easily. For the first time I was relaxed instead of intimidated when I met this Rav to resolve a shalom bayis issue my husband and I were having. I guess it’s because he’s younger, like late 30s to mid 40s and just a very friendly and understanding person.

So my question is, is she right? We need to go to a Rav from our shul?
Sorry this kinda turned into a vent.
Thanks


You can use whomever YOU want and whoever YOU feel comfortable with. No rules.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Mar 05 2021, 1:28 pm
that would be ridiculous. Imagine you have a longstanding relationship with a certain Rav, and you move to a new area. You wouldn't necessarily drop that relationship/advice and go to the Rav of your new shul.

Aseh L'cha Rav doesn't say anything about where you daven. It refers to a relationship with someone who understands you and can guide you well.
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