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professor




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 10:02 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I say there should be a Halacha that anyone that hosts Pesach
MUST BE PAMPERED ALL THE WAY
The week after, the whole week
And there should be mehudar ways like the more mehudar the better


I love that!!! And all the children should chip in for the best pampering of your choice. The more they give, the bigger the schar. Vechol hamarbeh, harei zeh meshubach
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Simple1




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 10:08 am
If your not already doing so, keep the meals simple and nutritious. A meat, a carb/potato dish, and a veggie side. Tell your adult children the menu. They are welcome to add their own dish, if they feel like it. Maybe she can cut a quick salad.

And yes, pamper yourself after Pesach. Or ask your husband.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 10:15 am
You must honor your feelings. Must. Otherwise you build resentment & jealousy.

So you must be there if dh is Rav. But what can be done?

Can't teach kids new behavior.

Can you book a luxury week of pampering vacation for you & dh the week after pesach?

Can you have in addition to your cleaning lady a hired chef for the week?

Can you go to a married child and let the child who moves in run your house & take care of dh?

Can you tell this child you are not up to it this year and go to your inlaws or siblings or friends or hotel. And you stay home.
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amother




Tan
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 10:19 am
watergirl wrote:

For some reason, there is some kind of sense of entitlement some people feel when they get married. Maybe it comes from the spouse, maybe it comes from what I hear their friends saying, who knows.


Or maybe it comes from certain struggles their parents know nothing about.
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amother




Brunette
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 10:21 am
amother [ Tan ] wrote:
Or maybe it comes from certain struggles their parents know nothing about.

It still doesn't entitle them to expect their aging mother to act like their servant when they go visit.
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amother




Pink
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 10:35 am
OP, do you have a good friend who is also an empty nester who can go away with you for a few days after your kids leave? I think a fellow woman would relax and understand with you.

I hesitate to tell you this, but in my experience at a hotel, I spent a lot of time making sure my family members were set up and ok with all the changes from what they were used to, especially dh. They didn't have the karpas he was used to, and the matzah wasn't right, and the marror wasn't sharp, and there was no armchair, and the minyan was too fast/slow for after a late seder. Husbands can require a lot of upkeep, particularly on chaggim that are steeped in tradition.

For next year, I would think seriously about being home and hosting (with the help recommended here) for the first days, and booking the rest into a hotel. Or, book the hotel and call the kid most suited and ask them if they can host you for those first two days. You will pitch in on the cooking, and the others will more likely help in this situation. And then you go. Other families can join you if they like and have means.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 10:41 am
OP, I'm going to let my earlier post stand. I read your subsequent post and don't know how possible or helpful mine was. I hope it was. Hugs!
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Sesame




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 11:19 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
BTW- it’s only 1 small family I’m hosting
My other kids stay at their home.
But they are ALWAYS too much work
They count for50+ ppl.
They want to be pampered at my expense
And they are the type to be super offended so it’s easier for me to zip my mouth and have peace, and keep my sanity.
I rather a peaceful house and do all the work than constant bickering m my, complaining, fighting etc.
And believe me this child was not raised like that.

Maybe others can handle it, but I can’t anymore

And of corse they stayed extra
3 days before and 3 days after
I hate dreding the holiday



You don’t want them, you’re doing this with resentment. That’s not nice for anyone!!
If you don’t want to say no and it’s easier for you “to zip your mouth” then the problem lies with yourself. There’s nothing wrong with saying no, or with setting clear boundaries of duration of stay, and expectations of help.
BUT I don’t understand. You’re resentful for having to be the host, but equally want to be hosted? Surely if you see hosting as something bad, you wouldn’t want to put that burden on someone else?
I personally think it would be more fair to yourself AND your child to not host them if this is what you feel!!
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 11:31 am
amother [ Tan ] wrote:
Or maybe it comes from certain struggles their parents know nothing about.


Can you elaborate? Would love to gain your perspective
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hodeez




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 11:34 am
Why can't you go to your kids for the meals? My in laws have been coming to me for the past few years for the sedarim, and us there for the day meals.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 11:45 am
Sesame wrote:

BUT I don’t understand. You’re resentful for having to be the host, but equally want to be hosted? Surely if you see hosting as something bad, you wouldn’t want to put that burden on someone else?


It is about balance. She always hosts. She needs a turn at being hosted.
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amother




Wine
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 11:53 am
I totally understand. Ten days with zero responsibility for what everyone eats, for cleaning or organizing, sounds like heaven. Not to mention that Pesach prep starts well before the chag. People who go away don't just get a week off, they get a full month off.

And yet, when your reality is staying home, you're home. So you need to make it work for you.

I don't know why these kids are acting this way, but you can call them on it. Not by saying "you're lazy and entitled," but simply, "please take out the garbage/wash the dishes/ peel these potatoes/take the kids out for two hours."

It's ok to acknowledge that making Pesach is hard work. Definitely treat yourself during and after the chag. (I buy a stash of books, that's my treat.)
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amother




Royalblue
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 12:00 pm
Can't you " come down with something" or " sprain your wrist" a week before, next year's Pessach? LOL
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amother




Coffee
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 12:10 pm
You don't want to host the one small family that comes to you for pesach. OK...

So you would prefer to be alone for pesach with your husband at a hotel program? Can you afford it?
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 12:21 pm
amother [ Brunette ] wrote:
It still doesn't entitle them to expect their aging mother to act like their servant when they go visit.


Not aging
I’m 50-55
Just feel like it

I would love a kosher experience as soon as they leave.
Are there any programs
Usually we go to EY sometime before Shavuot
And the breakfast are so delicious it makes me feel pampered

I don’t want them in my kitchen
Because they will leave such a huge mess
And even though I have a cleaning lady I don’t want to burn her out
I’ve had her for a long time
She knows where everything goes and how I like things. If she sees something that’s more convenient somewhere else she’ll ask me
Etc.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 12:26 pm
Jealousy comes from a lack of self esteem, emunah, and bitachon.

IMHO, you are not jealous. You are exhausted, overworked, underappreciated, and you have hit a wall. It is perfectly normal to be unhappy about that!

It is perfectly normal to want nice things for yourself, or at least to not have things be so hard on you.

You need to come up with a game plan. There's Shavuot, then Succot, etc... and you can't go on this way. These days are "simchas", they are not meant to be misery!

Find out what will work for your lifestyle and your budget, and make that happen. If you need to insist on a weekend away with a program, or some cleaning help, or catering, or just a spa day, whatever it is, commit to doing it. Don't be a martyr, don't tell yourself you have to do it all. It's an easy trap to fall back into.

Good enough is exactly that - GOOD ENOUGH!

ETA, I just saw this:
Quote:
And they are the type to be super offended so it’s easier for me to zip my mouth and have peace, and keep my sanity.
I rather a peaceful house and do all the work than constant bickering m my, complaining, fighting etc.


But here's the thing - are you really keeping your sanity? It doesn't look like it from here. Do you really feel peaceful? I doubt that, too.

What you are experiencing, is what you are agreeing to. Only you can change that dynamic. You have power, and you can make choices. It all depends on what you value most.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 12:28 pm
amother [ Coffee ] wrote:
You don't want to host the one small family that comes to you for pesach. OK...

So you would prefer to be alone for pesach with your husband at a hotel program? Can you afford it?


Yes I could afford for DH and myself
I could afford 1 extra family but then that’s not fair for the others.
And the others ALL TOGETHER don’t give me as much work and expense as this one
Sorry for being so blunt, but it is what it is.
I love them to pieces but they just don’t pickup after themselves. And if I just let it be the mess grows bigger and I can’t function
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amother




Beige
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 12:45 pm
Can you buy something to read or something special for you.
You deserve to be pampered so you can enjoy.
Maybe treat yourself like reading or take a really long walk. Its great you came on here. Can you rent a movie from mostly music for yourself and then one for the grandchildren. You need a break. Watching Jewish videos is fun and the ones for the kids is relaxing and cute you can watch with them.
On mostly music there is an option to rent and watch right away
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farmom




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 1:13 pm
I've been making pesach and hosting relatives for 15 years, starting as a newlywed. I'm on shlichus, so there is lots of hosting and being 'on'. What I've learned is that my calmness is the most important of anyone in the house. So it has to be a priority. And I'm the only one who can make sure I'm happy. I do a lot of self talk, telling myself and all my kids how much I love pesach.

Before pesach I usually buy myself something new, make sure to keep up with my exercise. Delegate lots, it takes a lot to let go but for me it's totally worth it. When possible I have guests be in charge of breakfast, or chol hamoad dinner, or whatever they can. We have lots of chumros, and I have to let go a little bit if Inlet people in my kitchen, but I made the concious decision that it's worth it. I get extra cleaning help. If I don't have cleaning help, I make cleaning up after yourself a prerequisite to cooking.

Most important is to check in with myself constantly. If I find I'm getting resentful, getting into martyr mode, I need to stop working, and take care of myself. A walk, go to shul, a nap, a book, a game with the kids, whatever. And the funny thing is, everyone manages just fine when I'm not around.

Having something to look forward to afterwards is a good idea too.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 2:25 pm
hodeez wrote:
Why can't you go to your kids for the meals? My in laws have been coming to me for the past few years for the sedarim, and us there for the day meals.


They all live a plane ride away.
It would be a very long walk. LOL.
I’ve kvetched enough, feeling better now
Thanks for listening

If anyone knows of a kosher program after Pesach please let me know.
Somewhere I don’t have to worry about meals
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