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When do you have ‘the talk’ with your children?
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When do you have ‘the talk’ with your children?
8 and under  
 6%  [ 4 ]
9/10  
 20%  [ 13 ]
11/12  
 7%  [ 5 ]
I break it up and talk about s*x in their early teens  
 15%  [ 10 ]
I break it up and talk about s*x in their late teens  
 6%  [ 4 ]
I tell them about their period but never much about s*x  
 42%  [ 27 ]
Total Votes : 63


amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 12:53 am
I’m curious as to the different customs of Ima’s on here. When do you tell your daughter/son about periods/s*x etc? Do you break it up? For example, period at age nine and s*x a few years later?
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ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 1:29 am
It's an ongoing conversation.

Male and female anatomy, privacy, babies growing in mommy's tummies and such have been ongoing conversations since very young.

Periods, birth canal and such conversations before preteen.

The start of the birds and the bees before teen.

No conversation needs to be too heavy nor does all information need to be given in one sitting.
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 1:49 am
ra_mom wrote:
It's an ongoing conversation.

Male and female anatomy, privacy, babies growing in mommy's tummies and such have been ongoing conversations since very young.

Periods, birth canal and such conversations before preteen.

The start of the birds and the bees before teen.

No conversation needs to be too heavy nor does all information need to be given in one sitting.

This. Exactly.
Watch Rachel Tuchman on YouTube. I believe she says start from day 1.
That's what I do. I started telling DD about her body parts before she was verbal. It's an ongoing conversation all throughout childhood and teenage hood. Different discussions when it's age appropriate.
Not in 1 sitting at all! That's much too heavy. You also want to foster open communication because they will have ongoing questions.
Period talk well before any signs of puberty.
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amother




Amethyst
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 2:56 am
What is the benefit of discussing the details of s-x to a boy before they need to know it during chossen classes?
This doesn't need to be discussed randomly, and shouldn't be a conversation between kids.
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amother




Olive
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 3:01 am
amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:
What is the benefit of discussing the details of s-x to a boy before they need to know it during chossen classes?
This doesn't need to be discussed randomly, and shouldn't be a conversation between kids.

The benefit is that he should know the truth. It's not random, and it's not between kids unless the parent is sadly underage.
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amother




Olive
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 3:02 am
Also, not to be morbid, but throughout Jewish history, there have been times when Jewish children were separated from their parents and had no Jewish adults to learn from.
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 3:58 am
amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:
What is the benefit of discussing the details of s-x to a boy before they need to know it during chossen classes?
This doesn't need to be discussed randomly, and shouldn't be a conversation between kids.

Because a person cannot fully consent to marriage if he has no idea what marriage entails.
No one discusses s-x randomly with their children.
There are age appropriate ways to discuss their bodies and it needs to be an ongoing conversation. At every age they get more info.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 4:20 am
Another vote for ongoing discussion, as the subject comes up, age appropriate information.

Some girls start their periods very early, so don't wait until they are 12! You may think you have lots of time, but their body may have another idea. Besides, you want them to really normalize the concept of bleeding once a month. By the time it starts, they should be bored with the topic already.

"How the baby gets in there, and how it comes out" is another conversation, but I wouldn't wait until the engagement has already been announced. That's something a girl should know before she's already committed to marrying someone. Would you sign a contract without reading the fine print? It's the exact same thing.

What worked best for us, was a book of medical illustrations showing internal organs, and a baby in a uterus. There was nothing hush-hush about it, it was simple biology. It's amazing the way Hashem made us, and we should celebrate that!

I did, of course, tell her that she was not to discuss this with her friends. It was the parent's job to do that.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 4:53 am
amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:
What is the benefit of discussing the details of s-x to a boy before they need to know it during chossen classes?
This doesn't need to be discussed randomly, and shouldn't be a conversation between kids.
As we have seen on this site alone, with people are only told about 2ex right before they are going to get married, after they are already engaged, they dont really have full knowledge of what marriage fully means.
It is a big shock and some, again, as we've seen from posts here, are so beyond shocked that it impacts their mental health.
2ex should never be this thing that is dropped on someone shortly before marriage.
And its never a random conversation.
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 5:00 am
shabbatiscoming wrote:
As we have seen on this site alone, with people are only told about 2ex right before they are going to get married, after they are already engaged, they dont really have full knowledge of what marriage fully means.
It is a big shock and some, again, as we've seen from posts here, are so beyond shocked that it impacts their mental health.
2ex should never be this thing that is dropped on someone shortly before marriage.
And its never a random conversation.

It doesn't mean that because mom never spoke about it teenagers don't know.now a days I think most boys and girls know and for the innocent mama that thinks when she tells her child not to discuss it with friends is seriously way behind the times.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 5:14 am
amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:
It doesn't mean that because mom never spoke about it teenagers don't know.now a days I think most boys and girls know and for the innocent mama that thinks when she tells her child not to discuss it with friends is seriously way behind the times.
Unfortunately, again, from this site, we see that there definitely are people that literally learn about 3ex, for the first time, in chatan and kallah classes. To my mind, thats terrible and frightening for the young lady or young guy. And extremely not fair.

Im not talking about young people who might not formally learn but know all about it.
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sequoia




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 5:36 am
OP, there are so many threads about this under “Sensitive Parenting Questions.”
Check it out.
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professor




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 6:58 am
I once heard a rav say that you are not supposed to call it "the talk". You are not supposed to treat it like a taboo subjects or an uncomfortable subject. You're supposed to teach it like you teach anything in the Torah, like it's a part of life. Nothing to be uncomfortable about. Open a kitzur, a Chumash, whatever and explain it to the kids... Usually between bar mitzvah age and later depending on the maturity of the child.
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 7:09 am
Puberty and zex are two different things. Puberty you really need to start before it actually starts, and since nowadays it tends to start earlier, you really do need to be having that discussion by 9 at the latest. There's a little more leeway with boys because they don't go through anything potentially traumatic (if you don't know it's coming) like girls do, but it's still much better to give them a heads up than wait for them to wake up with gunk in their underwear one morning.

Zex is totally different. Here opinions are going to vary. I definitely don't agree with waiting till engagement, but I don't think there's any harm in waiting until teen years if that's the norm in your community. That said, if you choose to wait past the age of 11 or 12 or so, you really do run the risk of kids finding out from someone other than you, and that risk goes up the longer you wait. Kids talk to each other and that's just how it goes. You can't control what other people around your child do, you can only control what you do. You need to be prepared for the timeline to possibly shift. If someone spills the beans earlier than you would have liked, all your plans go out the window and the time to have the talk is when your kid comes to you with those questions. Super important not to lie or be evasive.
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amother




Cerise
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 8:12 am
Not only do you run the risk of your kid finding out (possibly incorrect information) from peers, but you never know what temptations will come their way.

To a kid who has a strong taiva or is the victim of someone else who does, and has no idea that there are degrees of aveira, bad things can happen. Kids need to learn what "informed consent" means, no matter how sheltered you think they'll be.
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little neshamala




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 8:22 am
Yeshivish voice here...I know many disagree but, while ideally I would wait till my children are in their teens before telling them about s-x, the age we live in pushes me to tell them by age 10-11.
Simply because the odds of them hearing misinformation (and oh, the type of misinformation kids hear!!! Horrifying) are way too great, and I cant risk them hearing that from their classmates.

So I tell them, and its not such a big deal like you'd think it has to be. So much nicer when you-re on the other side of the fence, and you know your kids can keep coming back to you with questions as things come up in life
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amother




Burlywood
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 8:31 am
amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:
What is the benefit of discussing the details of s-x to a boy before they need to know it during chossen classes?
This doesn't need to be discussed randomly, and shouldn't be a conversation between kids.


How can a boy agree to get married if he doesn't know what the most basic part of marriage includes? You are marrying a boy without his consent.
Also, had he known, maybe he would have chosen a different kallah. He did not know what the criteria was for choosing a life partner! He didn't realise how important attraction is! That's abusive to him and his future kallah.
You need to tell a boy years before chosson classes. These things take a long time to be fully absorbed and understood.
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amother




Copper
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 8:59 am
Ds who is an adult now (not married) blames me and Dh for not having that conversation with him when he was going through puberty. He said he felt shamed for his feelings and thought they were abnormal. I grew up in a more secular environment and we learned alot from the society/ friends it was open discussion. In our home I wanted a more wholesome, tznius way of talking ,but maybe didnt address the overall issues and my kids found out everything on their own anyway! If I had to do it over again I would have the ongoing discussions rather than them not having the right perspective and learning on their own or feeling shameful!
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 10:14 am
amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:
What is the benefit of discussing the details of s-x to a boy before they need to know it during chossen classes?
This doesn't need to be discussed randomly, and shouldn't be a conversation between kids.


he's going to see lots of references in his learning. being able to talk to you and/or your DH about it is better than finding out from his peers (with room for lots of misinformation that way.) As you say, it shouldn't be discussed randomly, or between kids.

plus, boys have feelings that they need to understand. they have thoughts, body sensations, etc...and they need guidance to deal with and process those. Guiding them as a parent gives you a unique opportunity for a close relationship and building trust, too.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Apr 13 2021, 10:35 am
By the way, for all the orients who break it up, please think about how you do it. I had a couple of quite uncomfortable moments in school. One example is, in seventh grade we learned that Dovid ‘lay’ with Batsheva and they had a baby. My teacher just went through this passuk quickly assuming everyone will be smart and mature enough not to ask/say anything. Well... I thought I genuinely had a great question. And I raised my hand and asked how come he lay with her and then immediately she had a baby? How does that make sense?
And the classroom got so quiet with girls looking at each other with little smirks on their faces and the teacher was so uncomfortable.
Needless to say, I was mortified when I found out. And how did I find out? By sleeping over a friend that week and we discussed what happened and she told me allllll about it.
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