Financial Support | Imamother

amother

Purple

Wed, May 12 2021, 9:44 am

In some circles the boy's side also helps out. If they can afford it I don't see why the girls side should be the only ones helping out. Also its often discussed in the beginning of the shidduch, maybe not technical details but just generally willing to help out monthly or not. Then prior to the engagement, the parents meet (usually the day of) and figure out the logisitics

amother

Sapphire

Wed, May 12 2021, 9:46 am

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

How does this work to discuss more details when they are ready to get engaged? What if for one side monthly support means 300 and one is expecting 2,000 a month?
Won't there be very hard feelings?

amother

Green

Wed, May 12 2021, 10:02 am

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

How does this work to discuss more details when they are ready to get engaged? What if for one side monthly support means 300 and one is expecting 2,000 a month?
Won't there be very hard feelings?

If people feel that strongly about support, it's the kind of question they ask references before agreeing to have their child go on a date.
But, this happens in specific circles and mostly for younger daters. If a girl is 22+ and has a college degree and a good job it really is a moot point, while parents may choose to help out it isn't something so formal or Old Country like you are describing.
For a 19 year old girl who is working as a teacher aide, that's where support is needed. (Which is probably why lots of girls are getting married at older ages than was done 20+ years ago.)
There are plenty who do not expect or require anything formal or large amounts.

amother

Sapphire

Wed, May 12 2021, 10:16 am

amother [ Green ] wrote:

If people feel that strongly about support, it's the kind of question they ask references before agreeing to have their child go on a date.
But, this happens in specific circles and mostly for younger daters. If a girl is 22+ and has a college degree and a good job it really is a moot point, while parents help out it isn't something so formal. For a 19 year old girl who is working as a teacher aide, that's where support is needed.
There are plenty who do not expect or require anything formal or large amounts.

What you're saying makes a lot of sense to me. I just thought that with all the griping going on about the situation I thought this was a real deal breaker. (I am not from these circles so excuse my ignorance.)

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, May 12 2021, 10:47 am

in very yeshivish circles, the girls parents are expected to support, not the boys. this is what moms of serious learners demand.

its not fair but its the reality

my mil demanded this for her son but refused to support her dd who wanted to marry kollel...it shouldve been discussed before but wasnt so in the end a rich relative of my mil agreed to support...its unfair especially since boy has an obligation in ketuba but this works for rich ppl who want serious learners and get it bec of the $

amother

Green

Wed, May 12 2021, 11:28 am

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

I grew up in simple circles, so most girls knew they needed to get a decent job if they wanted a kollel lifestyle. However my mom does have a wealthier friend, and, as a reference, when people would call her, they would ask (as delicately as they could) if her friend was "offering support" or " generous support" for her daughters. Nobody asked that about her non wealthy friends, because they knew there wouldn't be....I did know a family where the parents made it clear they wanted a girl from a wealthy family for their son because he wanted to learn forever. It took them a good few years to find someone, and he ended up marrying a non American.

IME, there are plenty of boys' families who are OK with a girl who has a good job, they aren't looking for the parents to support, they just want to make sure the couple will have a steady source of income.
Honestly, I think a lot of what is posted on this forum is skewed. IRL, I don't know more than a handful of people where there was an official agreement needed/monthly checks given. Mostly the wives started off working, the parents maybe help out with gifts (monetary or otherwise) here and there and they manage ok.

amother

Sapphire

Wed, May 12 2021, 11:42 am

amother [ Green ] wrote:

I grew up in simple circles, so most girls knew they needed to get a decent job if they wanted a kollel lifestyle.
Honestly, I think a lot of what is posted on this forum is skewed. IRL, I don't know more than a handful of people where there was an official agreement needed/monthly checks given. Mostly the wives started off working, the parents maybe help out with gifts (monetary or otherwise) here and there and they manage ok.

Refreshing to hear this.

I guess all the magazine fiction stories are about the wealthy few who support, lol.

As well as a lot of dialogue in the reader's inbox.

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, May 12 2021, 12:19 pm

Not everyone supports. Although my parents and in-laws paid for the wedding the official support stopped there. I was working and my husband was in kollel. I supported us until we had 2 kids and the cost of living was more than I could pay with my salary. At that point my husband went to work. He didn't want to leave yeshiva, but we couldn't pay our bills. So he did what needed to be done.

Yes my parents and in-laws helped out when we were tight, but we never asked outright for money. If a discussion came up and they realized from content that things were tight without us saying outright, I'd suddenly find a check in our hands or mail.

The only time we asked for help outright was for the down payment of our house. One side gave money as a gift and the other side gave money as a loan.

amother

Indigo

Wed, May 12 2021, 5:03 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

Because that is how it is. Tradition and the privilege of having a learner.

Historically it stems from the rich man in the European village being able to purchase the smartest boy in the village and have the honor of having a scholar in the family.

Traditionally the boy's side would give a dowry. Think Eliezer with the jewelry, going to look for a bride. Traditionally men would work and learn. Think Hillel, Rambam. Kollel is a post WWII thing. The idea that a girl's family specifically should need to support their children in marriage to get a learner is pretty recent. Let's not make this into minhag.

amother

Tiffanyblue

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 12:14 pm

amother [ Denim ] wrote:

My son got married this past year bh. We give monthly, and so do my mechutanim. The girls side gives about double what we give. That’s just the way it is in our (yeshivish) circles. Some boys sides don’t give anything - and between the girl working and what her parents give they make it. Bh we are able to give something too.
We did discuss with the shadchan before he dated what the other side plans on giving. (Approximately) Otherwise it’s too late if you are looking for some support.

I’m sure I’ll be quoted and saying the couple should have responsibilities...work... she does work, and my son is a very serious learner. The OP asked what is going on in the ‘real’ world. This is it for yeshivish circles. Hatzlocha. Not an easy parsha.

how much per side? how many years?

amother

Denim

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 12:58 pm

amother [ Denim ] wrote:

My exact situation. Son a serious leaner, my dil working. We give monthly because we want to participate, the girls side is giving a bit more than double what we give. Sounds like same type of circles you are in.

amother

Denim

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 1:02 pm

amother [ Denim ] wrote:

Lol I see I quoted myself - no wonder it sounds like the same situation! 😂