Writing about a person who might recognize herself

amother

Wed, Jun 02 2021, 10:54 pm

amother [ Bisque ] wrote:

Then you should skip it. Even if you change the details, if you know she reads the magazines and would recognize your (pen?) name as the author, it will remind her of the story and imo is not the mentshlich or kind thing to do.

Ok. She would not recognize my name because I dont have a pen name. I usually publish under my real name. This time I would make up a random name that has no connection to my real name.

Also, she doesn't know me. We crossed paths many, many years ago. She wouldn't know who I was if I passed her on the street or even if I used my real name.

But it's a story that she may recognize as being similar to something that happened to her. Unless I really change the details.

I guess my question is how realistic is that?

I remember a few years ago, Mishpacha magazine started a serial about an older single who was into instagram, and they received many letters from people saying that they recognize the person as someone in real life, but it turned out to be totally fiction. The author made up a character that happened to very closely resemble someone in real life.
They pulled the story.

Amelia Bedelia

Wed, Jun 02 2021, 11:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ok. She would not recognize my name because I dont have a pen name. I usually publish under my real name. This time I would make up a random name that has bi connection to my real name.

Also, she doesn't know me. We crossed paths many many years ago. She wouldn't know who I was if I passed her on the street or even if I used my real name.

But it's a story that she may recognize as being similar to something that happened to her. Unless I really change the details.

I guess my question is how realistic is that?

I rememeber a few years ago Mishpacha magazine started a serial about an older single who was into instagram, and they received many letters from people saying that they recognize the person as someone in real life, but it turned out to be totally fiction. The author made up a character that happened to very closely resemble someone in real life.
They pulled the story.

You say that she may "recognize" the story as being "similar" to something that happened to her. I say, then, that she'll just assume it's a coincidence. I don't see the problem, then.

Btw, if you happened to cross paths with her, how do you know that she reads that magazine? Does she happen to be a writer for that magazine?

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Jun 03 2021, 1:58 am

OP, it is very commendable that you are taking pains over the person's feelings all these years later.

I'm a bit struck by the irony of the fact that Imamother is jam packed with real stories, many very recent and identifiable to a huge international audience. When I read the title of the thread I assumed that this was the issue being addressed, since it enters my mind often that my posts could have repercussions such as the one you are concerned with.

ora_43

Thu, Jun 03 2021, 5:37 am

I'm struggling to imagine a personal story so unusual that even if you change a few details, the person involved will definitely recognize themselves.

I know someone with an obscenely rare disease; another person of the same gender and roughly the same age was diagnosed with the same thing at a neighboring hospital not long after. Very few stories are truly unique.

Change details, or drop details. Eg "injured in a stabbing attack at a shul in Har Nof" could become "injured in a terrorist attack in Jerusalem."

Even a story as unique as Gilad Shalit's could become "kidnapped by a foreign terrorist group," and now you've got something that's happened to at least a few thousand people worldwide.

This seems like it should be doable, especially since the story is primarily about you.

She might still look at the story and wonder if it's about her (as will a hundred or so other people with similar stories). But once it's sufficiently vague, I doubt she'll feel like she, personally, has had her story exposed to the world.

If the content is sensitive, put a warning up top for everyone who might have had a similar issue. Eg "warning: this story mentions stillbirth."

ETA: just so it's clear, if the story was primarily about her, I'd feel differently.

In fact I'd be careful to think twice about how important she is to the story. It might be the story of how you responded to your interaction with her, but if that interaction + her personal story is critical to the point you're trying to make, it's kinda still her story.

ora_43

Thu, Jun 03 2021, 5:44 am

ora_43 wrote:

In fact I'd be careful to think twice about how important she is to the story. It might be the story of how you responded to your interaction with her, but if that interaction + her personal story is critical to the point you're trying to make, it's kinda still her story.

To clarify this -

Like, say the magazine had an article about homosexuality in the frum community, and you want to express how important it is to be sensitive.

If your story is about a time that this other woman talked about how horrible gay people are, without realizing your brother is gay, then it's your story.

If your story is about a time when this woman shared with you that she's bisexual, and your own immediate reaction to that and how it changed your views, that's her story.

imasinger

Thu, Jun 03 2021, 6:08 am

Two thoughts.

1. Since this issue touches on halachic concerns, I'd ask a shaila.

2. In general, if there's a concern that something stands a chance of causing pain to another, and there's an option of whether to do it or not, it's wiser not to.

In this case, it sounds like your reason for writing this is that it might also do some significant good. Do you feel that the potential for good outweighs the potential for possible hurt?

Is the timing about that, or about parnassa?

amother

Thu, Jun 03 2021, 7:56 am

ora_43 wrote:

Thank you Ora_43. This all makes a lot of sense. I think I could definitely change a few details and it probably is a story that happens all the time. The reason I felt motivated to write the story is because I think it contains an important message. By definition, that means that it can, and does happen to others. If my story was so unique, it wouldn't be so important to write. I want to put it out there precisely because others may benefit from my experience.

I would say its primarily about how I reacted to something that happened to me, though she also has a big role in the story.

amother

Thu, Jun 03 2021, 8:01 am

imasinger wrote:

Yes I will ask a shayla.
It's not about parnassa. I am not a writer by profession. I occasionally write, and have published about 2 dozen stories in the last few years

amother

Thu, Jun 03 2021, 8:04 am

ora_43 wrote:

Haha. Funny example. You know the frum magazines would never print such a story.

amother

Thu, Jun 03 2021, 8:08 am

Amelia Bedelia wrote:

Kind of. She is a freelance writer, and I have seen articles where she wrote true personal stories under her real name.