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Real diamond vs lab grown re: for kallah
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Raisin




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jun 11 2021, 8:25 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
My in-laws are poor.
They bought me a diamond ring.
No clue if lab grown or not. Small diamond.
Whenever I asked how much it cost, my dh evaded the question or said he didn't know, etc.

A decade later, the diamond fell out of the setting. When we went to the jeweler to put it back in, we asked how much it was worth. He said $1,000. (Is that lab grown price 10-15 years ago???)

I'm a pretty poshut person.
I would be happy with a fake diamond as long as it looked real.

Why would a kallah need to know if it was lab grown?


Why does a kallah need to be treated like a child? I don't think it would bother to me to get a lab grown diamond if I was told the truth. If I was lied to by my soon to be husband or his parents, that would be worse then not getting a diamond ring at all.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jun 11 2021, 9:03 am
mizle10 wrote:
For me personally:
My purpose in eating a piece of fish is to enjoy the taste/nutrients. If I can get that same experience in farmed fish then to me it’s the same.

My purpose in wearing diamonds, is the way it makes me feel. I love wearing nice things. I love jewelry. I love my DH spending money on me. I’m being very honest about myself here. I personally won’t get that same feeling if I feel I “cheaped out” and bought the second best option. So for me personally, a lab diamond isn’t accomplishing what I expect a diamond to do for me.


If someone else doesn’t care, I totally understand. But for me, I’m not getting the same experience and that’s the exact reason why I’m buying a piece of jewellery in the first place.

I hear you and I am very impressed with your honestly and not even as amother - that's pretty rare around here these days!

Can I please ask you a what if? What if you knew when you got engaged that your husband's family did not have the money to spend on a natural diamond, and that the purchase would mean that the siblings would suffer because money from the family budget would be rerouted to pay for the stone? Or what if you didn't know, but it was the truth. Would you still derive the same enjoyment from receiving something that the giver truly suffered to buy for you? Because for you, the pleasure of receiving the item is knowing the buyer spent a lot on it. But if you knew the buyer literally could not afford it and would suffer for the purchase, would you be able to adjust your expectations and feelings and be able to find the same joy in the fact that the purchase was made and given in love, even if it's a lab made stone?
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amother




Tuberose
 

Post Fri, Jun 11 2021, 9:10 am
amother [ Violet ] wrote:
Recent kallah here - chossen presented the idea and as I honestly didn’t care we went with the lab grown brilliant earth diamond.
At the end of the day - it’s beautiful and although I will proudly say it’s a lab grown (because I think it’s cool) no one knows the difference.
It’s more about the gesture then the number behind it.


Well, you sure have your head on straight. Your DH is a lucky guy Smile.
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amother




Tuberose
 

Post Fri, Jun 11 2021, 9:15 am
amother [ Yarrow ] wrote:
I mean I wanted a real diamond. I didn't care about anything else, I wasn't given any other jewelry or anything. We bought everything ourselves and DH paid for the ring.


It's a different situation where the chosson and kallah purchase everything themselves. In situations where the parents fork over all the money for everything, it reflects poor middos when the kallah says she will feel second class if the parents choose the second best option, and try to save some money.

It's the entitlement attitude thats the most off-putting in this context. I don't know what happens to these young kallahs. They seem tomorph into these creatures, expecting the very best and the utmost, without even reflecting what its doing to their parents.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jun 11 2021, 9:15 am
amother [ Tuberose ] wrote:


Parents want to give, and they'll give whatever they can. So accept what you get with love and appreciation, whether its a $500, $2K or $5K ring. The parents purchased it out love and happiness for you. Appreciate it all for what it signifies and not for the cost or your opinion of it. And if you want something more, your future husband has a whole life ahead with you to figure out how and when to get it for you.

The focus of the engagement process needs to be redirected. The jewelry and all the rest are mere sidebars to it. The focus should be on the essence, how to go about building an everlasting relationship and an ehrliche yiddishe home.

I love this entire post but I pulled out the two points I really want people to read and think about.

I understand a 20 year old would feel differently than a 35 year old. And I also understand that like the women in the current stroller threads who waited a long time for their babies and they want a top of the line stroller, I see how an older kallah would also really want a "real" diamond. The point still stands, that if you can afford it it's one thing and if you can't, it's another thing. I TRULY hope and daven that no kallah wants her future siblings in law to suffer in order for the parents to buy the ring or any of the other items that have become expected (including but not limited to other jewelry, furnishings, and features at the wedding itself).
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mizle10




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jun 11 2021, 9:27 am
watergirl wrote:
I hear you and I am very impressed with your honestly and not even as amother - that's pretty rare around here these days!

Can I please ask you a what if? What if you knew when you got engaged that your husband's family did not have the money to spend on a natural diamond, and that the purchase would mean that the siblings would suffer because money from the family budget would be rerouted to pay for the stone? Or what if you didn't know, but it was the truth. Would you still derive the same enjoyment from receiving something that the giver truly suffered to buy for you? Because for you, the pleasure of receiving the item is knowing the buyer spent a lot on it. But if you knew the buyer literally could not afford it and would suffer for the purchase, would you be able to adjust your expectations and feelings and be able to find the same joy in the fact that the purchase was made and given in love, even if it's a lab made stone?


Probably not. Then again, as a kallah I don’t think I would have cared if it was lab grown or mined. I was in complete la la land and everything was amazing.

I think the op should ask the kallah if she prefers very small mined or bigger lab. Or if a small mined diamond is still out of the budget buy a lab diamond and tell her.

Now, I told DH I prefer to wait longer and have smaller diamonds but no lab diamonds please.
It’s a preference, everyone’s entitled to their own.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jun 11 2021, 9:50 am
mizle10 wrote:
Probably not. Then again, as a kallah I don’t think I would have cared if it was lab grown or mined. I was in complete la la land and everything was amazing.

I think the op should ask the kallah if she prefers very small mined or bigger lab. Or if a small mined diamond is still out of the budget buy a lab diamond and tell her.

Now, I told DH I prefer to wait longer and have smaller diamonds but no lab diamonds please.
It’s a preference, everyone’s entitled to their own.

I'm confused as to what "probably not" means in your reply. You would prefer the giver to suffer and take food off the kids plates so you can have the real stone?
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mizle10




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jun 11 2021, 9:53 am
watergirl wrote:
I'm confused as to what "probably not" means in your reply. You would prefer the giver to suffer and take food off the kids plates so you can have the real stone?


No, I probably would not be derive the same enjoyment.
I said probably because it’s completely hypothetical. I got married way before lab diamonds were a thing and my in laws Bh had the means to buy me jewelry.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jun 11 2021, 9:55 am
mizle10 wrote:
No, I probably would not be derive the same enjoyment.
I said probably because it’s completely hypothetical. I got married way before lab diamonds were a thing and my in laws Bh had the means to buy me jewelry.

Got it! Again, thank you so much for your honest and candid reply. I know these things are not easy to discuss openly!
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jun 11 2021, 10:01 am
watergirl wrote:
I love this entire post but I pulled out the two points I really want people to read and think about.

I understand a 20 year old would feel differently than a 35 year old. And I also understand that like the women in the current stroller threads who waited a long time for their babies and they want a top of the line stroller, I see how an older kallah would also really want a "real" diamond. The point still stands, that if you can afford it it's one thing and if you can't, it's another thing. I TRULY hope and daven that no kallah wants her future siblings in law to suffer in order for the parents to buy the ring or any of the other items that have become expected (including but not limited to other jewelry, furnishings, and features at the wedding itself).

I'm the opposite. I got engaged at 38, had my first child at 40.
I could never sleep at night if my in laws would have bought me something they couldn't afford and they would have suffered.
DH hasnt bought me a single piece of jewelry except for my engagement ring because I always told him I'd rather have something for the house instead. I bought myself and received jewelry when I was single. Since I had my baby I barely even wear most of my jewelry except my rings and small earrings.
I didn't buy anything top of the line for my baby.
I like nice things but I also believe that you spend what you can afford and I'd rather pay my mortgage and have a nice couch or a dishwasher than be dripping in diamonds.
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amother




Mayflower
 

Post Fri, Jun 11 2021, 12:02 pm
I also think this has to be in context of what else you are spending. If you spend very little on the ring, then turn up at the wedding in brand new custom made dresses for all your family, make a fancy over the top wedding and sheva brachos and aufruf, etc. even the nicest kallah least gashmius minded kallah will feel that other things are just more important.

Plus if you are not welcoming to her in other ways this will just be another painful blow.

Anyway, I think this should be a discussion between your son and his kallah. Give your son a budget, let him and her choose what they think will be beautiful. Maybe she would prefer to choose herself, maybe she would rather her chassan chose. And if they decide they don't want an expenseive ring and want to buy an encyclopedia instead, let them!

I lost my engagement ring a while back and my husband recently replaced. We chose a style together - its lots of little diamond chips which I think are much cheaper then a big stone. I could care less if any of my other jewellery has real diamonds at this point in my life, but for some reason I did appreciate that this ring had real diamonds. For some complicated reason we were limited to one particular store and I don't think they had lab grown diamonds, so not sure if I would want them. I would be perfectly happy with a lab grown diamond necklace, bracelet or earrings. I love beautiful jewellery but swarovski and similar is beautiful, it does not need to be real diamonds.

Like Essie, I would rather spend the money on practical things or beautiful home decor. I recently got a small sum of money and treated myself to a few items. Jewellery was not one of the items. I got a laptop, a new sheital etc.
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readreread




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Jun 19 2021, 11:22 pm
I have a lab diamond, which my husband bought because he knew I would be upset to have a natural diamond that was potentially mined under unethical conditions. A lab diamond is not the same thing as cubic zirconia--it is chemically identical to a 'natural' diamond and equally as strong and durable (and beautiful!). Just be honest with the kallah if he gets her a lab diamond. I doubt she would want her family to suffer to buy a more expensive ring when lab diamonds are just as good.
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