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Forum
-> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
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amother
Firethorn
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 Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:35 pm
| thunderstorm wrote: | I always wondered about this. What is more important ? For example I had neighbors who were not allowed to come to our home to play because we eat things with an OU or OK and not necessarily heimish hechsher. It didn’t make a difference that I wasn’t giving these kids food.
Is it ok to eat your holy hechsherim only but hurt your neighbors? Is it ok to be machmir not to have a smartphone but stab your neighbor and destroy your child’s friendship by hurting her good friend and her good friends mother? Is this what yiddishkeit is all about? |
I see we just cross posted somewhat. It’s like the mother wears nail polish so you can’t use their swing set.
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thunderstorm
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:36 pm
| amother [ Hawthorn ] wrote: | | Parents not allowing their kids to play at your house isn't something that should hurt you. Most people don't allow their kids to play in every house. The kids can be friends and play outside. |
I’m not hurt. I just don’t allow my kids to go to these people’s homes. I don’t want my kids exposed to people with a holier than thou attitude.
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amother
Chocolate
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:36 pm
| thunderstorm wrote: | I always wondered about this. What is more important ? For example I had neighbors who were not allowed to come to our home to play because we eat things with an OU or OK and not necessarily heimish hechsher. It didn’t make a difference that I wasn’t giving these kids food.
Is it ok to eat your holy hechsherim only but hurt your neighbors? Is it ok to be machmir not to have a smartphone but stab your neighbor and destroy your child’s friendship by hurting her good friend and her good friends mother? Is this what yiddishkeit is all about? |
I have a smartphone but at the same time I understand that we’re mama bears when it comes to our children and everyone has their own way of protecting their children.
This isn’t my way but I can understand that everyone has different ways
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PeanutMama
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:37 pm
Oy this is so so heartbreaking.  can’t imagine what you and your daughter are feeling.
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amother
Hawthorn
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:39 pm
| amother [ Firethorn ] wrote: | Everyone is entitled to their own standards, but it’s pathetic that your child can’t play at a house where the mother has a smartphone if she’s not exposing the neighbor to anything.
Why can’t people teach their kids that everyone has their own standards. This mom can say “we don’t use smartphones, but some others do.” Why does op’s home become unworthy of having this girl over when op has done nothing to negatively influence the girl.
It’s like saying you can’t go to someone’s house because they eat cholov stam, even though your child won’t have it. It just doesn’t make sense to me. |
We can teach kids that others use smartphones but I don't think there's anything wrong with a parent not allowing their child to play at a house where there's a smartphone.
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Java
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:39 pm
It's upsetting.
BUT
Everyone makes their own rules.
Everyone decides what's best for their own children.
Everyone sets their own boundaries.
And you can think that their boundaries are ridiculous and stupid, but guess what? you still don't get to say anything or do anything about it, because their boundaries are just that- THEIRS.
Last edited by Java on Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:40 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Firethorn
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:39 pm
| amother [ Foxglove ] wrote: | Other people have also said this. There's no guarantee that your child won't be exposed to or eat certain things at someone else's house. Even the best-intentioned hosts go to the bathroom sometimes, and kids are kids.
This mother didn't ban the relationship, she just doesn't want her child in OP's home. Like OP said the two girls have continued to play together. |
Exposed to a smartphone? What could possibly be wrong about that? This would be a great chinuch opportunity to teach your child that just because our friends/neighbors do certain things, that doesn’t mean we can. Instead of avoiding being around chalav stam, teach your child not to eat it. Instead of avoiding being near people with smartphones, teach your child that he/she can’t use it.
Because ultimately, they will be exposed. And better to train them to have self control than to pretend you can always run away from it.
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simba
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:40 pm
| thunderstorm wrote: | I always wondered about this. What is more important ? For example I had neighbors who were not allowed to come to our home to play because we eat things with an OU or OK and not necessarily heimish hechsher. It didn’t make a difference that I wasn’t giving these kids food.
Is it ok to eat your holy hechsherim only but hurt your neighbors? Is it ok to be machmir not to have a smartphone but stab your neighbor and destroy your child’s friendship by hurting her good friend and her good friends mother? Is this what yiddishkeit is all about? |
I'll be devils advocate here. Where do you draw the line? When do you tell your child not to go to another house because you are not comfortable with what they are seeing there?
Maybe for you it's not a smartphone or a specific hechsher but you certainly wouldn't allow your children to go to a house where they were exposed to _________?
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amother
Hawthorn
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:40 pm
| thunderstorm wrote: | | I’m not hurt. I just don’t allow my kids to go to these people’s homes. I don’t want my kids exposed to people with a holier than thou attitude. |
It's not a holier-than-thou attitude. It's different standards and you need to respect that.
People having different standards that you do, doesn't make them holier-than-thou.
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amother
Firethorn
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:41 pm
| cutestbaby wrote: | It's upsetting.
BUT
Everyone makes their own rules.
Everyone decides what's best for their own children.
Everyone sets their own boundaries.
And you can think that their boundaries are ridiculous and stupid, but guess what? you still don't get to say anything or do anything about it, because their boundaries are just that- THEIRS. |
Yes we do get to say anything we want about it. That’s exactly what this thread is.
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sky
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:42 pm
I have a smartphone
I’d understand if ppl wouldn’t come over because of it
I don’t think it’s a good thing to own
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Java
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:42 pm
| amother [ Firethorn ] wrote: | | Yes we do get to say anything we want about it. That’s exactly what this thread is. |
Lol. I meant in an ideal world.
What's imamother for if not for picking people's decisions apart
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amother
Firethorn
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:43 pm
| simba wrote: | I'll be devils advocate here. Where do you draw the line? When do you tell your child not to go to another house because you are not comfortable with what they are seeing there?
Maybe for you it's not a smartphone or a specific hechsher but you certainly wouldn't allow your children to go to a house where they were exposed to _________? |
Abuse and foul language
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amother
Hawthorn
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:43 pm
| amother [ Firethorn ] wrote: | | Yes we do get to say anything we want about it. That’s exactly what this thread is. |
Other people's standards are none of your business. We don't all must keep the exact same standards. We need to respect that everyone has different standards.
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thunderstorm
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:44 pm
| amother [ Hawthorn ] wrote: | It's not a holier-than-thou attitude. It's different standards and you need to respect that.
People have different standards that you do, doesn't make them holier-than-thou. |
Ok. So respect my standards too. My standards are not having my kids exposed to people or homes where they think their yiddishkeit and frumkeit is better than mine.
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amother
Firethorn
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:44 pm
| amother [ Hawthorn ] wrote: | | Other people's standards are none of your business. We don't all must keep the exact same standards. We need to respect that everyone has different standards. |
You’re right, I really should learn to respect the standards that I will never understand.
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amother
Chocolate
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:46 pm
| amother [ Firethorn ] wrote: | | You’re right, I really should learn to respect the standards that I will never understand. |
No
But you should learn to respect that it’s ok that other people have different standards that you may never understand
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Java
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:46 pm
| amother [ Firethorn ] wrote: | | You’re right, I really should learn to respect the standards that I will never understand. |
Yeah you should. Because you also have standards that some people will never understand, and yet you keep to them, right?
You think your non-Jewish coworkers understand taharas hamishpacha?
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amother
Foxglove
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:48 pm
| amother [ Firethorn ] wrote: | Exposed to a smartphone? What could possibly be wrong about that? This would be a great chinuch opportunity to teach your child that just because our friends/neighbors do certain things, that doesn’t mean we can. Instead of avoiding being around chalav stam, teach your child not to eat it. Instead of avoiding being near people with smartphones, teach your child that he/she can’t use it.
Because ultimately, they will be exposed. And better to train them to have self control than to pretend you can always run away from it. |
If you don't get it, you don't get it.
We can teach our kids that just because other people do x, doesn't mean we can. But to teach that, we usually need to be present, which we aren't usually when our kids are at others' home.
We can teach our kids to use smartphones safely, but we need to be present to do that, too.
Where I live (Israel) 90% of children across the country, including charedim, are exposed to p*rn by third grade(!!). Usually by friends. That's not a risk I'd like to take.
Anyways, the issue most of these families have is that the smartphone influences the home's atmosphere. Just like internet does. Not having internet creates a certain atmosphere in the home, having internet does not create the same atmosphere. Also parents with smartphones are inevitably glued to their phones and not providing appropriate supervision. Also there is no guarantee that the mother (in this case OP) won't allow her daughter's friend to hold/ use the smartphone just for a few minutes. We are smartphone-less and have had lots of people let our kids use their phones for a few minutes, because our kids asked and they felt bad. We were there so we were asked and just smiled and said yes, but if we weren't there, and it was at their home? They probably still would've allowed, figuring that we'd say okay. It's legitimate if a parent doesn't want to take that risk.
And again, you don't have to agree with the parents, but you do need to respect their decision.
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amother
Hawthorn
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Sun, Jun 20 2021, 9:48 pm
| amother [ Firethorn ] wrote: | | You’re right, I really should learn to respect the standards that I will never understand. |
You also have standards that others don't understand. We don't all have to keep the same standards just because you don't like and can't respect others that have different standards than you do.
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