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Bais Yaakov moms of post seminary daughters

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 2:24 am
What is your position regarding curfew and phone/personal computer filters? Coming back from a year of independence my daughter is having a hard time with our house rules ( 12 am curfew and TAG filter on her devices. )I know seminary had rules too but I also know the girls had more leeway than at home. I don't think my daughter is looking to get into inappropriate stuff just wants to feel and be treated like an adult. After all she says if we trust her to date we should trust her judgment in these areas too. It makes sense but we also want to protect her. As its our oldest we really don't know if we should be making changes in these areas for her at this time.. I'm looking for advice from experienced imas of bais Yaakov style daughters.
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amother




Navyblue
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 2:52 am
I have two post sem girls.

One just came back. Def an adjustment.

I'm a pretty laid back parent so I never had this issue. I treat my kids like adults. I don't tell them too much about when to go to sleep. But they definitely still tell me where and when they go out. It was never spelled out as a rule, but it's just an expectation I guess.

Both my girls insist on dumb phones.( dh and I have smartphones) My daughter who just came back would not touch her new phone until it was TAGged.

I do think you can and should insist on Tagging her devices. And your devices should be TAGed as well so you are consistent.

Sorry I cant be more helpful.
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Crookshanks




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 3:54 am
While you can definitely insist that any device in your home has a filter, a 12 am curfew is a little late for an 18 or 19 year old girl. I was frequently out until 2 that year, until I had a better schedule and a good job. As long as you can trust her, she'll be okay.
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 5:46 am
Part of being an adult is learning to set your own boundaries instead of having them imposed upon you. Have a discussion with her about what she feels would be appropriate rules.

As far as I know, most Beis Yaakov type seminaries have a curfew well before midnight. What does she need to do out of the house at that time? Is it the actual curfew or the concept of a curfew that bothers her? Maybe you could compromise on her telling you where she will be if she plans on staying out late, or calling you to tell you if her plans change.

If you have filters in your phones, you have an absolute right to expect the same of her. This is the standard you hold yourselves to, and you expect the same of her. If you don't have filters, it's harder to insist that she does. Again, what is her objection?

Dating and marriage is taking on more responsibilities, not throwing off old ones. Things like a filter in your phone are about planning the direction of your life, not getting rid of childish restrictions.
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 5:59 am
If you all have your phone filtered, and you are paying for her phone, then you should install the same filter on her phone.

If your phones are not filtered, or she is paying for her phone, then it's up to her, I would say.

In general I'm not a fan of treating 18 yr olds like little kids.
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amother




Tulip
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 7:00 am
I remember clearly how hard it was to adjust to being part of a family again after seminary.
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amother




Bottlebrush
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 7:43 am
I’m surprised at how many responses there are saying to forgo a curfew. To me there’s no good reason for anyone to routinely be out till 2am. Absolutely none. If there’s a special occasion (Saturday night friends birthday in Manhattan) that’s one thing. But that should. Be discussed. Ftr I’m MO so obviously the filtered phone thing isn’t on my radar but the curfew certainly is. And it’s not treating her like a child to follow your rules. There are a lot of Rules that she will have to follow as part of adulthood whether college or workplace. This is one of your rules and I just want you to know it doesn’t seem unreasonable
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amother




Navyblue
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 7:53 am
OP. When you talk about curfew, do you mean what time to be home or what time to be in bed?

Personally, my dds dont come home too late bec they know I will wait up for them. Even if they are coming home from a trip I will wait up until I know all my kids are in the house and the door is locked.

As far as bedtime goes, I dont tell them when to go to sleep. And I know that in seminary my daughter and her friends were always up till all hours of the morning because she would call me....
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amother




Kiwi
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 8:17 am
Even in high school I didn't have a curfew so I'm surprised a post-sem girl does. Give her a set of keys and that's it.

Filtered internet is a must for everyone, parents and children. Netspark works well and is reasonably priced.

Rather than clamping down rules, I would make sure she has set goals for the next day so that she sees for herself that she must go to sleep at a reasonable hour in order to accomplish her next day's schedule.

There is a tricky balance here. Please don't do what my parents did, they treated me like a guest. I felt booted out of the family.
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amother




Bottlebrush
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 8:20 am
amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:
OP. When you talk about curfew, do you mean what time to be home or what time to be in bed?

Personally, my dds dont come home too late bec they know I will wait up for them. Even if they are coming home from a trip I will wait up until I know all my kids are in the house and the door is locked.

As far as bedtime goes, I dont tell them when to go to sleep. And I know that in seminary my daughter and her friends were always up till all hours of the morning because she would call me....


Curfew typically means time to be home not bedtime.I agree bedtime is not appropriate for an 18 year old
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amother




Seashell
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 8:23 am
Generally the set up is that if you won't be back by x time/midnight, you need to call and let me know.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 10:48 am
Thank you everyone. Curfew means what time to be home not what time to go to bed. And I'm talking about a regular night not if she has a wedding or anything like that.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 10:53 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What is your position regarding curfew and phone/personal computer filters? Coming back from a year of independence my daughter is having a hard time with our house rules ( 12 am curfew and TAG filter on her devices. )I know seminary had rules too but I also know the girls had more leeway than at home. I don't think my daughter is looking to get into inappropriate stuff just wants to feel and be treated like an adult. After all she says if we trust her to date we should trust her judgment in these areas too. It makes sense but we also want to protect her. As its our oldest we really don't know if we should be making changes in these areas for her at this time.. I'm looking for advice from experienced imas of bais Yaakov style daughters.


I think those are reasonable to be honest. Of course, the 12 am curfew can be bent for special occasions (best friend's wedding, or other situation where you know where she is...)

Seminary also had curfews and required filters.

It's not a lack of trust of her - it's the rest of the world you don't trust.
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amother




NeonYellow
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 11:20 am
Yes to TAG, no to curfew. But I insist on being told/texted when she's going out at night if she's going to be out past a certain time, including updates if that changes. Basically, what I'd want dh to do, out of respect.

If she pushes back on TAG, I'd say that's house rule- I'm assuming it is, adults too, though there may be different filtering requirements for each person. Once she has her own home, she can do differently.
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amother




Glitter
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 11:30 am
No curfew but definitely let you know if she will be out late and/or when she will expect to be home. (Unless you live in an unsafe area where it is not a good idea to be getting out of a car alone at night, and someone is needed to keep an eye out.)
As far as filters on a phone or computer, I would say that depends on who is paying for the device.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jun 23 2021, 5:27 pm
Would anyone recommend a filter less strict than TAG? What's an appropriate level of filtering for an 18 year old?
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