Home

How to help a friend that's been terribly abused?
1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jul 05 2021, 10:13 pm
How do you help a friend who has been terribly abused but won't accept help?


I know a very successful woman who really understands life and people but doesn't go further with hers. She is divorced, talented and charming, but won't get married. She doesn't have children or family. She can joke about childhood abuse and can say it's safe to share anything with her because she's probably experienced it all, but she'll never be weak or talk.


I'm confident she was severely abused physically and sxually and I know she needs therapy to go on further in life, but she doesn't ask for help.





How can I help someone who clearly is so deserving and has such potential but doesn't want help?
Back to top

amother




Mistyrose
 

Post Mon, Jul 05 2021, 10:16 pm
You can’t.
Back to top

vintagebknyc




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 05 2021, 10:16 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How do you help a friend who has been terribly abused but won't accept help?


I know a very successful woman who really understands life and people but doesn't go further with hers. She is divorced, talented and charming, but won't get married. She doesn't have children or family. She can joke about childhood abuse and can say it's safe to share anything with her because she's probably experienced it all, but she'll never be weak or talk.


I'm confident she was severely abused physically and sxually and I know she needs therapy to go on further in life, but she doesn't ask for help.





How can I help someone who clearly is so deserving and has such potential but doesn't want help?


Why are you assuming that getting married and having kids is the road to happiness for her?
Back to top

amother




Viola
 

Post Mon, Jul 05 2021, 11:32 pm
Just be a good friend to her. Don't abandon her when it gets tough
Back to top

singleagain




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 05 2021, 11:37 pm
amother [ Viola ] wrote:
Just be a good friend to her. Don't abandon her when it gets tough


Voice to text

This.! Do what she wants to do not what you think she should do. I've said it before I'll say it again when I got divorced I had two friends One forced me out to the grocery store and I nearly had a break down in the apple juice aisle. The second sat on my bed and watched me play angry birds. The second one helped me a lot more than the first.
Back to top

essie14




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 12:41 am
Be her friend. Dont try to make her into someone she isnt.
You don't know better than her.
Back to top

ora_43




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 2:45 am
Why do you think she isn't in therapy already, or hasn't been?

Her not wanting to talk about it with you in depth, or to get emotional about it in front of you, doesn't mean that she's not dealing with whatever trauma she may have.

FTR, it's also not a measure of trust. Meaning, if she doesn't want to talk about her trauma with you, it doesn't mean she doesn't see you as a close friend. She may just prefer to save digging up the past for a special safe space she's created with a therapist, and let her friendships be regular friendships without all that heaviness.
Back to top

amother




Bluebell
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 9:05 am
You have to offer help in the way she wants. Not everyone wants to talk or problem solve. Work by what she says/does. Let her know the offer is there to help, she can talk, whatever works best for her. It is about what she needs, not what you think she needs.

I personally like to put things in different 'boxes'. I may compartmentalize certain things, as that is how I cope, but that is my choice and I wouldn't consider you my friend if you tried to force me to talk about things or push your view of how I should process or deal with life.
Like I had a miscarriage recently. I grieved for the first few days, and now I would rather not be forced to keep confronting it and talking about it. I want to move on, not dwell in the past. Whilst I have a friend who was much more open and did discuss her miscarriage more.
Back to top

Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 9:06 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How do you help a friend who has been terribly abused but won't accept help?


I know a very successful woman who really understands life and people but doesn't go further with hers. She is divorced, talented and charming, but won't get married. She doesn't have children or family. She can joke about childhood abuse and can say it's safe to share anything with her because she's probably experienced it all, but she'll never be weak or talk.


I'm confident she was severely abused physically and sxually and I know she needs therapy to go on further in life, but she doesn't ask for help.





How can I help someone who clearly is so deserving and has such potential but doesn't want help?

You keep being a good friend. That is all you can and should do.
Back to top

Ravenclaw




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 10:12 am
ora_43 wrote:
Why do you think she isn't in therapy already, or hasn't been?

Her not wanting to talk about it with you in depth, or to get emotional about it in front of you, doesn't mean that she's not dealing with whatever trauma she may have.

FTR, it's also not a measure of trust. Meaning, if she doesn't want to talk about her trauma with you, it doesn't mean she doesn't see you as a close friend. She may just prefer to save digging up the past for a special safe space she's created with a therapist, and let her friendships be regular friendships without all that heaviness.


This.

OP, you are making a lot of assumptions. Who says she needs to get married and have kids to be healed and happy? Who says she isn’t working through her past?
Back to top

WhatFor




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 10:36 am
Just ooc, because you wrote "a friend" in the title but you also wrote "I know a very successful woman" when you start off.

Is she more of a friend or an acquaintance? Because if she's more of an acquaintance she simply might not be letting you into that aspect of her life, which is fine.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 12:21 pm
She is a friend but she doesn't get close to anyone so from her perspective everyone is an acquaintance.



She doesn't have to be married or have children, but she would be a great wife and mother. I'm more concerned with helping her heal because everyone deserves healing.
Back to top

amother




Dustypink
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 12:38 pm
Report to a rav who should know about it, ask him what can be done.

ask if need to report elsewhere.

be a friend. stay around and available, and talk about what she wants to talk about. not others.

my friend is in a difficult marriage, she should have walked away long ago, she is afraid.

I realize I cant do much. so I am a friend. (and their rav is aware and agrees she should walk out, but said she doesnt have the courage yet. are we talking about same person/ ;-)
Back to top

Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 12:39 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She is a friend but she doesn't get close to anyone so from her perspective everyone is an acquaintance.



She doesn't have to be married or have children, but she would be a great wife and mother. I'm more concerned with helping her heal because everyone deserves healing.

Leave her the heck alone
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 12:47 pm
I can't leave someone alone when I know that no one else is watching out for her. She doesn't have parents or family and so no one can encourage her to make something out of her god given potential.


She gives and gives and has so much to offer so why shouldn't she offer it to herself and to her own family. I want her to heal instead of helping everyone else heal.




I'm sure that all the people who walk away will have to give din v'cheshbon and I don't want to be that person.
Back to top

amother




Stone
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 1:09 pm
I think you have to relate to her as she is and in the context of what your relationship is and isn't, strive for that to be as healthy and nurturing (mutually) as is appropriate. I think you can daven to Hashem to help you be a good friend to her and to help you see how to do that and be successful at it. I think you can daven to Hashem to bless her with revealed good in her life--whatever form that takes, that Hashem should help her maximize that and help you help her.

As a divorcee and a geyores who has no one and has also been abused, I can see her side and also it is really meaningful to me to hear your desire OP to want to be doing all you can to help a fellow jew who has no one.
Back to top

womanwithaplan




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 1:38 pm
I think your intentions are pure but the best thing you can do is just be there for her.

She can reach out for help from you or someone else if and when she's ready.

If you push her where she is not yet ready to go, you might lose her as a friend, and worse yet, she'll lose another person in her life - ironically, a friend that truly wants the best for her.

Trust her to take care of herself.
Back to top

womanwithaplan




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 1:46 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I can't leave someone alone when I know that no one else is watching out for her. She doesn't have parents or family and so no one can encourage her to make something out of her god given potential.


She gives and gives and has so much to offer so why shouldn't she offer it to herself and to her own family. I want her to heal instead of helping everyone else heal.




I'm sure that all the people who walk away will have to give din v'cheshbon and I don't want to be that person.


There are many non invasive ways to show you care. Invite her over for a meal or just to hang out, plan outings together, or just call and inquire how she's doing.

If you like and accept her and include her in your life without making her feel like a "pity case" you are doing the best thing for her.

If she feels you are a trustworthy and approachable address she might eventually decide to seek you out for help or advice.
Back to top

Crookshanks




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 2:34 pm
I think the reason why OP pointed out she doesn't have a husband or kids is to show she has no family.
OP, maybe you can invite her over for Shabbos and suppers so she isn't alone?
Suggesting she start therapy will probably be seen as very invasive.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 3:19 pm
She won't go out for meals ever. Even a 3 day yt.



It's like she needs someone to push her to do anything, and that's what I'm asking about.

HOW?
Back to top
1, 2  Next Recent Topics

Page 1 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
How to react to friend saying she spanks her kids?
by amother
14 Yesterday at 8:33 pm View last post
Looking for a book to learn with a friend
by benny
5 Wed, Oct 13 2021, 5:41 pm View last post
Daughter friend mom has covid, and came to school
by amother
31 Tue, Oct 12 2021, 8:13 pm View last post
Asking for a friend
by amother
1 Tue, Oct 05 2021, 10:36 am View last post
Time sensitive- ride to monsey for a friend 0 Wed, Sep 15 2021, 1:29 pm View last post