Ds is dating non Jews

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 12:43 pm

Just heard about it yesterday from his friend. Couldn’t sleep the whole night. I didn’t confront him yet. He is a good kid MO in his early 20’s not is shiduchim yet. He said ds told him it’s not for marriage just for fun. Idk more details to what extend Is the relationship but I assume the worst. He Moved OOT for a job several months ago. What should I do?

amother

Daphne

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 12:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Should I call our Rabbi. Talk to ds?

I don't think there's much you can do, he's an adult. But you can reach out to your Rabbi for guidance.
Sending you hugs & love.

amother

Lotus

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 12:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Should I call our Rabbi. Talk to ds?

I don't think it will do any good to talk to DS. He is an adult, which means both that he can make his own decisions, and he already knows by now how you feel. This is a deliberate choice. I wouldn't bring it up.

Chickensoupprof

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 12:54 pm

Just for fun means he is hooking up with non-Jewish girls. I know someone close by who does the same, he has not good contacts with his parents because they only can say ''date Jewish'' but he dated every Jewish girl in his hashkafa and age rate and he also hooked up with most of the Jewish girls who were available.
As mother I guess you can't do anything.
The double standard is, is that he wouldn't be sl*tshamed because he is a man, if he was a girl who hooked up with boys the world would turn upside down (same thing that lots of black hat bochurim are hooking up with bnei akiva girls and ditch them when shidduchim).

What I want to tell you is this: Don't let people say ''it's a phase he is young he wants to test the water he wants to explore'' because using people for s-x might be experimenting but on the long term you don't have respect for your self or from someone else. I've learned that the hard way. Teach him that, or tell your husband to do it.

amother

Clematis

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:00 pm

Is this private info or can you share with your son that you know?

I would talk to him. Obviously you can't tell him what to do, but you can have a discussion. He should know that there is no such thing as just dating for fun, eventually you grow attached to one of the girls and it develops further and you find yourself in a situation where you need to make some very difficult choices.

Also, is he open to his future wife doing the same? If not, it's a terrible double standard and not something acceptable in most circles today. Most people I know who date around are fine if their future wife did the same. He should know that a girl who was shomer negiya and didn't date around will probably not be ecstatic to date him with this kind of history.

DrMom

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Should I call our Rabbi. Talk to ds?

I would talk to DS. Sure, he's an adult, but he's still young.

Explain that once relationships start, they have a way of developing that can sometimes make it difficult to terminate without a lot of pain, and it is better to choose a partner, even if it is "only a date," wisely and strategically from the get-go.

It could save a lot of heartache in the long run.

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:14 pm

Also What about disease. Idk if he is aware of all the stds that are for life. Or the girl getting pregnant. And Like one poster wrote if he falls in love and wants to marry the girl. I’m just devastated.

amother

Starflower

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:18 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You should talk to him about STDs and BC no matter who he dates.

Last edited by amother on Tue, Dec 21 2021, 11:17 am; edited 1 time in total

vintagebknyc

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:18 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If you're MO I'm assuming you or your DH have talked to him about STDs and pregnancy? Maybe your DH wants to talk to him now?

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:20 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

You should talk to him about STDs and BC no matter who he dates.

He didn’t even start shiduchim so I’m just shocked about this news. He might be OTD already. Is it my place to talk about it or dh.

amother

Clematis

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:22 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He didn’t even start shiduchim so I’m just shocked about this news. He might be OTD already. Is it my place to talk about it or dh.

Are you very RW? Because most MO that I know don't do shidduchim, it's more of an organic way of dating/meeting people naturally.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He didn’t even start shiduchim so I’m just shocked about this news. He might be OTD already. Is it my place to talk about it or dh.

In the MO world many young people don't wait to officially "start shidduchim" before dating (whether casually or for marriage). I could be off base, but have you always lived in MO circles or moved from a more RW background? It seems that you and your son are on very different lifestyle pages, and you may not be as clued into the norms he grew up with. Same thing with s-x education, did your son go to MO schools throughout his educational career?
I think it will be helpful to talk to people from his circles IRL to get a better sense of things and understand how to best approach this situation.

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:27 pm

amother [ Clematis ] wrote:

Are you very RW? Because most MO that I know don't do shidduchim, it's more of an organic way of dating/meeting people naturally.

We are BT and started RW. Our kids our mostly MO and some RW. so we do both.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

We are BT and started RW. Our kids our mostly MO and some RW. so we do both.

Then you really need to talk to people IRL.
You seem to be on a very different page than your son. It doesn't sound like he moves in "shidduch" type circles at all. What type of school did he go to for high school? Any post high school yeshiva? College? You seem to have very different dating & marriage expectations than your son. Most parents who send to MO schools do not expect (or even want) their children to date exclusively in a RW shidduch style.

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:33 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

He started in RW elementary and switched to MO yeshiva and college.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He started in RW elementary and switched to MO yeshiva and college.

So, he basically came of age in MO circles and had similar friends. Sounds like you stayed culturally in RW circles with those expectations for your children. You really need IRL advice. If you do not have an MO rabbi you can ask for advice, please reach out to your son's alma mater.

Teomima

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:38 pm

I personally don't know any MO that do shidduchim but to each their own.

No matter where he is in his readiness (or lack thereof) for marriage, you should educate your son about BC and STIs and all of that should have happened years ago. So definitely sit down with him and have a talk about that

But also discuss how there's emotions and feelings that grow and develop and it's not totally risk free saying you're just having fun with non-Jewish girls. Accidents happen, bonds develop, and he needs to have the big picture in mind. If, long term, it is important to him to marry Jewish (and for all I know it might not be) then he ought to be aware than he's heading in the wrong direction for than eventuality. I know this might not be the popular opinion, but if he's spending time with non-Jewish women because he wants to do things he thinks Jewish women won't do, well, he's mistaken. I guess my point is he should choose the lesser of the evils. If he's going to have relationships with women, he might as well have them with Jewish women so in case something unexpected happens, be that a bc fail or unexpectedly falling in love, at least he's with someone Jewish.