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Spinoff harder than parents. Why abuse one child more?

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 8:31 am
One of the questions from the spinoff question was if parents treated you the same or different than your siblings? Anyone know why parents sometimes abuse one child more than others, regardless of behavior?
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amother




Navyblue
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 8:36 am
Why do abusive parents do anything they do?!

Maybe the child triggering them reminds them of themselves and they hate themselves inside?
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amother




Ivory
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 8:36 am
It’s not always logical it’s part of their illness. In many cases that child is more of a threat to them whether personality, reminder of themselves etc...
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Imax5




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 8:37 am
I don’t think even abusive parents set out to be abusive. Most of the time they’re muddling through, not dealing well, and being very reactive rather than intentional about their parenting.

Some kids are just going to be more triggering than others. If the abuse is reactive, they’re going to get more abuse. And if the parent is aware of his reactivity and consciously trying to control it then that kid might get less abuse while the stress spills over to the other kids.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 8:41 am
The pattern in dysfunctional/abusive families is for each child to have a role.
There’s the scapegoat, the golden child, the forgotten one, and the enmeshed one. They get treated according to those roles and develop trauma responses accordingly.
How they get these roles is part personality and part order of birth.
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amother




Banana
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 8:43 am
Long ago stopped trying to get into the heads of my parents and other sick people
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amother




Daffodil
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 9:01 am
My mother was a good mother but every few months after my parent divorced she would fly into an abusive rage and ONLY took it out on my older sister. It was just the two of us. I obviously witnessed it but I never received the screaming, hitting, banging on the walls (leaving wholes on the locked door trying to get in). My sister is an incredibly black and white thinking and stubborn person. She would be diagnosed with Aspergers if it was today. I think something about this dynamic with my mother triggered her. I am not blaming my sister at all but I just added that because that part of her personality can be very hard to deal with since she isn't easy going. Of course as adults she is the one caring for my aging mother. My sister always says she believes suffering is from Gd and if she deserves it she deserves it.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 9:18 am
amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:
Why do abusive parents do anything they do?!

Maybe the child triggering them reminds them of themselves and they hate themselves inside?

I believe this is the truest answer.
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amother




Yarrow
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 9:19 am
I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional family. I have one sibling who probably got 80% of the abuse. It's sad because she probably had undiagnosed ADD/ADHD, had learning and behavioral disabilities, and a physical handicap on top of that. She's a very strong, stubborn personality and she and my parents often got into power struggles. They sometimes started out somewhat reasonably, but sooner or later the belt came out. My parents are also very stubborn and rigid, and they expected us to live up to their expectations. We got treated according to how much nachas we gave them. In some ways we still do even as adults.
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amother




Tiffanyblue
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 9:44 am
I hesitate to say this. If it's only one child, sometimes they are particularly triggering. But sometimes, they're not being abused- but they experience the way they're being treated as abuse.

For example, I have a child with severe anxiety/OCD. We have refused this child doctors appointments and ER visits because of severe health anxiety. This child does not feel supported. It is difficult to sit through an extended conversation with dc and hear about how they feel about all the anxieties; I do it, but don't support that reality. I do not so the extra cleaning wanted, don't keep the windows always closed due to "severe" allergies, don't keep peanuts out of the house. The doctor says none of these are needed, and the therapist says they would be counterproductive and further the problem. And yes, occasionally I explode from the difficulty of the balance and yell "You are not that sick!"

When someone meets dc for the first time, and if they only meet dc, dh and I look abusive and neglectful. Dc has definitely thought we were, and occasionally implied or even said it to professionals and others. Thankfully, professionals who aren't sure what to believe call dc's primary doctors and get perspective. Random people though, only get dc's perspective. And I genuinely worry for when dc is old enough to be in charge of their own medical needs and the therapist won't get the other side, which is so important for treatment.
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amother




Banana
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 9:51 am
amother [ Tiffanyblue ] wrote:
I hesitate to say this. If it's only one child, sometimes they are particularly triggering. But sometimes, they're not being abused- but they experience the way they're being treated as abuse.

For example, I have a child with severe anxiety/OCD. We have refused this child doctors appointments and ER visits because of severe health anxiety. This child does not feel supported. It is difficult to sit through an extended conversation with dc and hear about how they feel about all the anxieties; I do it, but don't support that reality. I do not so the extra cleaning wanted, don't keep the windows always closed due to "severe" allergies, don't keep peanuts out of the house. The doctor says none of these are needed, and the therapist says they would be counterproductive and further the problem. And yes, occasionally I explode from the difficulty of the balance and yell "You are not that sick!"

When someone meets dc for the first time, and if they only meet dc, dh and I look abusive and neglectful. Dc has definitely thought we were, and occasionally implied or even said it to professionals and others. Thankfully, professionals who aren't sure what to believe call dc's primary doctors and get perspective. Random people though, only get dc's perspective. And I genuinely worry for when dc is old enough to be in charge of their own medical needs and the therapist won't get the other side, which is so important for treatment.


This makes a lot of sense. I am so sorry you are dealing with this painful reality.
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amother




Nasturtium
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 10:49 am
I also think that every child is different and their personalities/natures are different which means abuse can affect some more or less. As a more sensitive child, I think I picked up on nuances more than some of my other siblings and I was more affected than some of my siblings.
Also we each remember different things. When we reminisce together, somethings I remember and they don't and they remember events I've forgotten.
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amother




Lightyellow
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 10:56 am
amother [ Nasturtium ] wrote:
I also think that every child is different and their personalities/natures are different which means abuse can affect some more or less. As a more sensitive child, I think I picked up on nuances more than some of my other siblings and I was more affected than some of my siblings.
Also we each remember different things. When we reminisce together, somethings I remember and they don't and they remember events I've forgotten.

Also, children who are still enmeshed don't always recognize the abuse.
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