Having/creating easy going children

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amother

Tanzanite

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 9:02 am

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

High strung, stubborn, strong willed Is usually anxiety at the root. High arousal. Over active nervous system. Not enough serotonin. Maybe methylation errors. Healthy gut and immune system gives you a better chance at a healthy brain. It’s not genetic, it’s epigenetic. We see a huge difference in our kids with cbd and other calming supplements. As a mother, I think the number one concern would be quieting immune activation and inflammation prior to conception. And also working on gut microbiome, because we can only pass on what we have in terms of flora, and those little buggers have a massive effect on nervous system, mood and behavior.

I do not agree at all that high strung, stubborn and strong willed is related to anxiety. It might be, or it might not. Anyone can have anxiety, even people who appear calm. Having strong opinions and being ready to passionately defend them, does not come from anxiety.

To answer OP, imo it's very much inborn. Saying this as a mom of several calm, easy going kids and 1 little firebrand who will iyh go far because she has endless energy to see her goals through and does not get deterred.

Chayalle

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 9:22 am

To answer OP, I have one child who has that blessedly easygoing, happy personality. I think it's totally personality, given by Hashem.

I also want to say that everything is a tradeoff. She's easygoing in many areas. Other child who is not as easygoing, has other personality traits that are also huge Maalos that easygoing child does not have. Like being diligent, hardworking, go-getter, etc....

No one has everything.

amother

Hotpink

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 9:23 am

I’m just curious, the moms who push CBD and melatonin, pro or against vaccinating?

groovy1224

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 9:53 am

amother [ Lightcyan ] wrote:

Came here to say this. My kids are inherently strong-willed but we do our best to model easy going behavior and it catches on.
Examples: "I'm sure that was just a mistake"
"No big deal, we can try and fix it"
"Let's play I spy while we are waiting"
"No worries, it will come out in the wash"
"OK let's see if next time we can find that color"
Etc

I actually avoid phrases like this with my high strung child.

I myself am very easygoing. I can handle last minute changes of plan, and I don't get bent out of shape over the small things. So it was a HUGE adjustment for me to get used to DS personality, and for a while I kind of took it personally that he just seemed so irritable and unyielding.

So while I myself model easy going behavior, because it comes naturally to me, I've learned not to expect the same behaviors from him. (At least out loud. In my head, I do still get frustrated that he can't be more flexible.) So I might say out loud for his benefit "Oh man I was really hoping to take a walk with a friend today, but it's raining. That's disappointing. But we'll go another time."

However, when I can see that he is starting to get upset because a sibling ruined his puzzle, or his favorite t shirt is in the laundry, I bite my tongue from saying things like no big deal, or that's okay, or anything of the sort. Because for him it's NOT okay, it IS a big deal, and there's nothing I can (or should) do to change the way he feels. What I can do is give him the words to express how he's feeling, and coping tools to deal with similar situations in the future. This is not an overnight trick, it takes years and years but as my son is getting older, I can see slowly that he is gaining confidence in himself to tackle his frustrations, and to express himself better. He knows that I won't judge him or get mad at him for wanting things a certain way, which eases that anxiety, which in turns means he doesn't fly off the handle the way he used to.

As others have said, even if I could take away this part of his personality, I wouldn't because it comes with tremendous kochos as well. I know he will grow up to be respectful of others' preferences and boundaries, because he grew up in a home where his were respected and validated. He has a very strong sense of right and wrong, and will stand up for what he knows to be right even when others may shy away from doing so. So I'm very proud of how far he's already come, and he's only a kid. It's not easy raising a stubborn child, but it's extremely rewarding when your hard work finally starts to pay off.

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:20 am

From my experiences, it is just the way they are born!
My girls are extremely intense. They have many maalos, and in many ways they are different to each other, but they both have an intensity. Big dramas, very stubborn, big feelings. One is a strong leader, one is more quiet (outside the house), both strong personalities. It’s a lot.

My boys are both pretty chilled. But also different too each other. One more black and white, but also doesn’t like to make a fuss about things. It takes a lot to get them very worked up.

We have seen this from the time they were babies!
My son would easily switch between nursing and a bottle, then came my daughter and there was no way I was able to get her to take a bottle!
At about 8 months she threw her pacifier out of her cot and refused to take it after that!

Her determination also helped her keep up with her brother who is nearly two years older than her. From when she was about 1, anything he did, she had to do too!

amother

Yellow

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:23 am

amother [ Tanzanite ] wrote:

Adults are good at hiding their anxiety. Kids, not so much. Aside from the obvious fears and phobias, anxiety in kids often presents as rigidity, shyness, perfectionism, oppositional defiant behavior, demand avoidance, irritability, rages and meltdowns and so on. Anxiety isn’t just worrying. It’s a nervous system state of hyper arousal.

It’s possible that some firebrand type kids are not operating out of anxiety. But many stubborn high strung ones are.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:24 am

amother [ Broom ] wrote:

It only shows the serving size for adults. How do I know it’s safe for children? And is it addictive? Do I need dr’s permission to give to kids? Is there such a thing with a hechsher? I do see lots of ingredients in it.

Charlottes web gummies have a hechsher. They are a very well known high quality brand.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:25 am

octopus wrote:

And I was super anxious and grieving during one of my pregnancies and that child is my most calm child.

I didn’t see anyone claim on this that anxiety during pregnancy will affect the offspring.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:26 am

amother [ Tanzanite ] wrote:

I think amother's point is that we can't even evaluate how dangerous it might be since it lacks long term data, proper studies for dosaging based on age, side effects, etc.

But Ritalin is a-ok right?

I really didn’t mean for everyone to get hung up on cbd. It’s actually usually not a root cause treatment in the classical sense though it can be very helpful for getting symptoms under control until other things can be addressed. The point was just more that high strung can be more than just a random personality variance , and the fact that cbd is a potent anti inflammatory points to a potential inflammatory/immune component for these types of behaviors. Which is a paradigm shift from how it’s commonly viewed. And which is exactly what OP is asking. Are there any epigenetic factors that we have control over that will affect the neurodevelopment of our offspring. The latest science points to an emphatic yes. Exactly how this works is complex and can’t be written out in one post.

octopus

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:30 am

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

I didn’t see anyone claim on this that anxiety during pregnancy will affect the offspring.

You yourself posted it in the scholarly article you cited.

amother

Broom

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:32 am

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

Charlottes web gummies have a hechsher. They are a very well known high quality brand.

Thanks

amother

Yellow

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:32 am

octopus wrote:

You yourself posted it in the scholarly article you cited.

It was about the mother’s microbiome, not her own emotional state.

octopus

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:38 am

Yes, but the article clearly states that stress affects mom's microbiome.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:51 am

octopus wrote:

Yes, but the article clearly states that stress affects mom's microbiome.

Was that the point of the article? A poster asked where she could read more, I gave her 1 example.

Here’s another gem of an article about how mold colonization is passed down from mothers to babies in utero and how it’s linked to autistic behaviors. And please nobody say but my kid doesn’t have autism. This is one *example* of how epigenetic factors and immune activation affect behavior and neurodevelopment in offspring https://www.nature.com/article.....bxXrY

Zehava

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:52 am

Anyway this thread makes me super uneasy because I could just imagine that if this “research” was commonplace when I was a kid I’d have been dragged to all sorts of quacks and put on all kinds of diets to make me “easygoing” AKA compliant and docile.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:55 am

Zehava wrote:

Many high strung kids are not happy within themselves. This isn’t only about making the parents lives easier.

Zehava

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:56 am

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

Many high strung kids are not happy within themselves. This isn’t only about making the parents lives easier.

Course I wasn’t happy within myself but no diet would’ve solved that

amother

Yellow

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 10:58 am

Zehava wrote:

Course I wasn’t happy within myself but no diet would’ve solved that

Are you implying that the only reason you weren’t happy within yourself is because society wasn’t happy with you?

Zehava

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 11:01 am

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

Are you implying that the only reason you weren’t happy within yourself is because society wasn’t happy with you?

I wasn’t happy because instead of being accepted as I am, and respected as the human being I was, I was being labeled and punished for not being “easygoing”.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 11:05 am

Zehava wrote:

I wasn’t happy because instead of being accepted as I am, and respected as the human being I was, I was being labeled and punished for not being “easygoing”.

Right. And I believe that many kids aren’t happy within themselves regardless of what the adults around them think, ie even if nobody labels them and everybody accepts them as they are. The answer isn’t to not accept them of course, not to label in a way that will shame them, not to morally judge them or their behavior, but to help them be their best, healthiest selves. It’s possible to do both at the same time.

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