Playgroup nerves | Imamother

amother

Darkblue

Sun, Aug 29 2021, 11:46 pm

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

I disagree. Mom staying makes it worse for the child.

That’s ok to disagree. I think it gives a sense of security to the child to know that mommy isn’t leaving him. If your kid is over ready for playgroup ( which personally for my own kids I don’t send them to playgroup until they are over-ready as then you won’t have this issue) and they are securely attached and school is a safe environment they run off and go with nary a glance backward.
When a child isn’t 100% ready and it’s a large group and they feel insecure, when you leave and drop and run and just hope the teacher will deal with it, you are creating a large anxiety in your child. When you show a level of security and confidence and your child feels it, it will help an anxious child. There is nothing wrong with a mom just coming on the first day and playing for an hour with their child and then returning home. You can ease the process for the child. Long term you will have done wonders for your child in terms of security and attachment.

amother

Darkblue

Sun, Aug 29 2021, 11:50 pm

If the teacher is so rigid that she won’t let you stay for a bit, I would talk to her and not cave into her rigid rules. I would also want to have an opportunity to observe the situation in general as a teacher that is that black and white in thinking is a red flag to me.
Although most likely she just is using that as an excuse as she doesn’t want a parent watching the first hour of playgroup when she will be overwhelmed ( understandably so) and will have multiple children crying. She doesn’t want you to see the chaos.
I would hold my ground and stick around personally.

amother

Birch

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 4:35 am

I've always stayed a bit the first day- help the kid get acclimated. But you said there's orientation the day before for an hour with you- so she wants that to happen there, which sounds fine. If your 2 year old is going to cry when you leave, I really don't think you staying first will lessen it. He's crying because you left him there and he'll do it pretty much the same no matter when that happens IME. You can try to check in during the day. If he is happy when you pick him up, I think that's when you see if this was a good choice.

amother

Lime

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 5:53 am

amother [ Darkblue ] wrote:

Preschool Morah here.
It’s very concerning that the teacher won’t let you stay.
Of course you should stay.
Don’t leave your child crying.
You will cause trauma and anxiety later on in life.
Meet the Morah prior to preschool. If she doesn’t let sorry that’s a major red flag.

Also a preschool Morah here . I disagree with “of course you should stay”
Perhaps at this age Morah should make a longer orientation or a first day where all moms are invited to stay as long as possible.. but the next day, child should know in advance “today is only for kinderlach , mommy is going to bring you, kiss you, and then say goodbye… I will see you later ! “ and mom should stick to the plan

amother

Strawberry

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 11:16 am

Hi, I posted a thread last year with my 3yo who went to playgroup for the first time.
We did all the talks, read all the books...
And he did not cry... For a few minutes. he screamed for hours!!!!
BH morah let me sTay for abt a half hour a day for the next few days, and each day he cried less and less.

Morahs do need a little flexibility when they see their plan aint workingshe

Here's my thread from last year
https://www.imamother.com/foru.....02890

amother

Olive

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 12:05 pm

How about leaving him for only an hour the first day. It will reassure him for the next day that you will come pick him up.

I found with my child that they handled short amount of time better when they first started playgroup. When it it was a little longer, they became so anxious, and started worrying that I forgot to come.

amother

Peachpuff

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 1:00 pm

The moms who stay or peek in and the child accidentally sees them have it the worste. They cry longer and harder than the other children and have a harder time adjusting.
It's normal for the morah to have an orientation day before.
You can politely ask if you can come 10 min before so your child can see the space and Morah.
Because of the way the yomim tovim work out this year, definitely expect it will take longer for most to adjust.
Asking a morah to take a pic of a kid 10 min after is very difficult. Many kids will be crying and the Morahs should be focusing on the kids. You will get tons of pics (hopefully) throughout the year.
It's hard and scary but give it time and your child will adjust nicely.
Speaking as 2 yr old morah and mom who also had a sinking heart each and every time I sent my kids.
Sending hugs! I know it's really hard!

amother

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 2:24 pm

amother [ Darkblue ] wrote:

This would be ideal for me, and I agree with you about the security and attachment. Unfortunately it is not something I thought of last year when I signed up. We went today for orientation, and I plan on leaving ds there for much shorter.

amother

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 2:27 pm

amother [ Strawberry ] wrote:

I read your thread, did you stay for 30 min and then leave him there, or bring him home after half hour?
I am not happy that she is not willing to be flexible, it seems like everyone else is ok with this though. she came highly recommended.
If ds is crying a lot I will push to stay. Or I will pull him from the playgroup. I am not putting my child under stress
I will need the childcare at some point though so I would like this to work out. I don't know at one point I should decide that this is too much for him and he's not ready

amother

Darkblue

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 2:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Much luck to you and may this year be a wonderful year for your child. You sound like an intuitive mom.
In general a shorter day is much less stressful for young child. There is research that shows that they have less cortisol released from stress that is a part of going to preschool. A child who has a shorter day reaps the benefits of school without as much stress on their little bodies.

amother

DarkGray

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 3:50 pm

I find that most of the class does cry a bit in the beginning. I actually drop off about a half hour after the start time, throughout the first few days. Most of the class is unsettled and crying the first few minutes. When I drop off after everyone is transitioned and calm, my child comes into a relaxed atmosphere where the kids are playing nicely. My kids stay calm as well and join the others playing.

BrisketBoss

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 4:06 pm

amother [ Darkblue ] wrote:

How validating. I also just started my 2 year old in morning preschool. I thought eight hours sounded like a lot for a 25 month old.

dena613

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 4:10 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My morah didn't seem too flexible either. Tough, she had to be. She needed admitted that he cried the whole time!!!

No, I didn't range my kid home early, but I did sit three with him for a result looking time until he was semi comfortable, and then left, and yes, he cried. But I did it a few days in a row, and in general, each time I stayed less and he cried less

amother

Blue

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 4:49 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

How validating. I also just started my 2 year old in morning preschool. I thought eight hours sounded like a lot for a 25 month old.

Now I’m feeling really guilty. My two year old is starting a program from 9-3 in a few days.

BrisketBoss

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 4:51 pm

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

Now I’m feeling really guilty. My two year old is starting a program from 9-3 in a few days.

Please don't feel guilty! We all have to make the choices that work for our families. You are in no way ruining your kid. I'm sure they take great care of him or her at the program.

Edit: and I meant more like, whatever we do or how we feel about what we do, it's just nice to hear something that seems to validate it.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 6:56 pm

I used to have a playgroup, and I miss it. The kids have such a good time playing with their friends! Playgroup is a happy, warm, and fun place to be, and once the initial adjustment period is over, you’ll see kids racing into playgroup happily, and waving “hi Mowah” anytime they see her around town. 🥰First time moms get all worried but the odds are great that your sweetie will love it. One tip I found was that if a child gets tearful about parting from mommy, have tatty drop off. (If he’s able.) It seems to help.

About staying: it honestly is very disruptive to have a mommy lingering. It keeps the group from settling into their routine, and it makes other kids unhappy because they see a mommy and suddenly want their mommy. A good Morah is skilled at distracting the kids and drawing their interest into all the fun playgroup activities. She can’t distract them and intrigue them with her amazing toys and fun songs while you’re there. Much better to go to orientation, then on the first day ask the Morah to text you with how things are going.

Good luck, and it’s okay to cry! This is the first separation in what will be a series of separations as you raise this precious neshomale, and it’s hard! I just sent my oldest to yeshiva OOT. 😭 Parenting isn’t easy!! If only they could stay little. But they’re here to grow and change and do new things just like we are.

snowflake1

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 8:42 pm

it is so hard to leave in the beginning. It is hard every time I just did it with my fourth here are some things that help me
It is very typical for in town play groups to not allow parents to stay. It is not the secular way. When you read about in non-religious environments or out of town they allow parents to stay for one or two hours.
Since I do live in town this is what I have come up with. If I trust that it is the right teacher. First of all I only send if there is an assistant because then you know that the teacher can deal with crying children

Also, I asked them to call or text if my child is crying for more than 15 minutes.

If the child is I will make up an earlier pick up time so they can say “ Mommy is coming after snack or after lunch or whatever”
we decide together. It is very normal to ask the teacher to call or text if your child is still crying.

Another thing I have done is I talk about the child leaving with a smiley face. I tell them if they can then I will draw a smiley face on a piece of paper and put it on the outside of my door with a candy that usually only goes on for the first week or so. I am not big into candy but this really works they look forward to the candy.

Another thing, my son came up with himself he tells himself constantly ”Mommy will always picks me up”
Lastly, I encourage him to bring a toy from home most of the time he doesn’t even take it out of his briefcase it is just reassuring to have something from home

Edited for grammar

amother

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 9:06 pm

amother [ Darkblue ] wrote:

Amen! and thank you Smile

amother

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 9:07 pm

dena613 wrote:

I'm going to see how he reacts, but if he's crying a lot it's going to be either you let me stay a bet or we're out....