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[STORY] Damsel in Distress (Update #11d - 22 Iyar - p. 19)
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Window




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Jan 01 2022, 11:18 pm
Can someone remind me what the mikvah situation is and why there’s a panic bracelet?
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amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Jan 01 2022, 11:21 pm
Window wrote:
Can someone remind me what the mikvah situation is and why there’s a panic bracelet?

Reread "Limbo": https://www.imamother.com/foru.....46758
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lotus2525




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jan 02 2022, 11:42 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Reread "Limbo": https://www.imamother.com/foru.....46758

Still not following. Care to offer more info or is if still meant to be a secret??
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jan 02 2022, 1:13 pm
lotus2525 wrote:
Still not following. Care to offer more info or is if still meant to be a secret??

Not a secret, just long to explain.

In short, Chava is the Mikvah lady for the building. When a girl makes an appointment, a guard picks up Chava and brings her down with the other girl. They have a 20 minute time limit.

Because obviously there is some danger involved, she was given an (illegal) alert bracelet by the Cohens to call for help if necessary.
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lotus2525




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jan 02 2022, 1:24 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Not a secret, just long to explain.

In short, Chava is the Mikvah lady for the building. When a girl makes an appointment, a guard picks up Chava and brings her down with the other girl. They have a 20 minute time limit.

Because obviously there is some danger involved, she was given an (illegal) alert bracelet by the Cohens to call for help if necessary.

Right. I understood that part. Just not understanding what dangers are involved
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jan 02 2022, 6:00 pm
lotus2525 wrote:
Right. I understood that part. Just not understanding what dangers are involved

What happened was the proof - nobody really trusts the guards.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 03 2022, 8:51 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What happened was the proof - nobody really trusts the guards.


And I was thinking the bracelet was health-related.
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amother




Grape
 

Post Mon, Jan 03 2022, 10:08 pm
OP,
I just started reading this Thursday night - and I’m so grateful I didn’t have to wait for all the episodes you had already written.
But now I’m in suspense with everyone else.

You are so talented.
Thank you for sharing your talent in this way.
I love that your story is so true to the Torah way, no compromises.
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abound




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jan 04 2022, 4:31 am
Thanks! Really enjoying! You are really creative and great with the pen!!
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amother




Crocus
 

Post Thu, Jan 06 2022, 9:22 pm
Hi,
I read this story after you posted the link in the "problem with frum books" thread. I really like the concept of a jewish dystopian romance novel. I also liked the chemistry between Eli and Chava. Since you asked for feedback I'd like to give you my honest thoughts. I'm writing out of a place of love, and I wouldn't have read all of the installments if I didn't think there was something there. I hope this is helpful.
PLOT
- I'm unclear about the experiment because I didn't really understand what goal it is trying to achieve. It seems like the people are confided into a room like a time capsule. Whenever scientists do a study they usually have a question and record their findings. So if they want to find out what isolation does to people they might do regular physical and mental check ins. They might have recordings. They would definitely have rules.
- Chava's illness seemingly comes out of nowhere. If you foreshadow this, you can ease your reader into the drama, and it's not going to be jarring. A lot of time is spent in the beginning on her illness, but it sort of fades away after the diagnosis.
-Another thing I was unclear on (and this goes back to having no rules for the experiment) was the room and job division. Why was Chava given a big apartment? Why does she need to cook and clean, instead of personal that would conduct the experiment? Why aren't the boys helping her until she becomes a kallah? You hint at there being other girls, but Chava never interacts with them. Wouldn't she try to make a friend so she can commiserate?
- to what degree are they isolated?
-everything should have a reason, even if the reader is not privy to it. You can drop hints here and there.
MY PLOT SUGGESTIONS
- instead of covid 19, you could make it some other plague that scientists need to find a cure for
- instead of marrying them off for yichud reasons, maybe the boys and girls in this building are the only ones immune to the plague and the government wants them to marry so they can breed more super-immune kids
- Eli and Chava could arrive on the same day. I really think a character learning about the rules of this compound will make it more immersive.
- more comparisons to what life was like before the isolation and what their hopes and dreams are for after
PROSE
- whenever you edit, please be mindful of POV. You have some POV breaks here and there. The easiest POV to write in is first person. If you're not experienced with third limited, just write it all in first person and edit it later into third.
- editors advise nowadays against prologues, and I actually don't think you need it. You could have Chava learn all of that info when she's chosen or brought to the facility.
- telling vs showing. There's telling prose (like overuse of adverbs) and there's telling plot here. An example of the latter is Chava overhearing the conversation between Berke and Eli but you don't show it, you're skipping it.
- tips for showing: Use the 5 senses to guide your reader, add internal thoughts and feelings between dialogue.

This might seem like a lot of notes now, but I really believe you can do it. Over the course of this novel you've already shown improvement. And you have multiple instances of showing and wit. Personally, I'd like to see more of that. A lot of people already love it as it is. And again, my point is not to bash you or anything, it's just my opinion that this could improve your writing. You can do with that whatever you want. Hatzlacha!
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amother




Lightcoral
 

Post Fri, Jan 07 2022, 7:34 am
amother [ Crocus ] wrote:
Hi,
I read this story after you posted the link in the "problem with frum books" thread. I really like the concept of a jewish dystopian romance novel. I also liked the chemistry between Eli and Chava. Since you asked for feedback I'd like to give you my honest thoughts. I'm writing out of a place of love, and I wouldn't have read all of the installments if I didn't think there was something there. I hope this is helpful.
PLOT
- I'm unclear about the experiment because I didn't really understand what goal it is trying to achieve. It seems like the people are confided into a room like a time capsule. Whenever scientists do a study they usually have a question and record their findings. So if they want to find out what isolation does to people they might do regular physical and mental check ins. They might have recordings. They would definitely have rules.
- Chava's illness seemingly comes out of nowhere. If you foreshadow this, you can ease your reader into the drama, and it's not going to be jarring. A lot of time is spent in the beginning on her illness, but it sort of fades away after the diagnosis.
-Another thing I was unclear on (and this goes back to having no rules for the experiment) was the room and job division. Why was Chava given a big apartment? Why does she need to cook and clean, instead of personal that would conduct the experiment? Why aren't the boys helping her until she becomes a kallah? You hint at there being other girls, but Chava never interacts with them. Wouldn't she try to make a friend so she can commiserate?
- to what degree are they isolated?
-everything should have a reason, even if the reader is not privy to it. You can drop hints here and there.
MY PLOT SUGGESTIONS
- instead of covid 19, you could make it some other plague that scientists need to find a cure for
- instead of marrying them off for yichud reasons, maybe the boys and girls in this building are the only ones immune to the plague and the government wants them to marry so they can breed more super-immune kids
- Eli and Chava could arrive on the same day. I really think a character learning about the rules of this compound will make it more immersive.
- more comparisons to what life was like before the isolation and what their hopes and dreams are for after
PROSE
- whenever you edit, please be mindful of POV. You have some POV breaks here and there. The easiest POV to write in is first person. If you're not experienced with third limited, just write it all in first person and edit it later into third.
- editors advise nowadays against prologues, and I actually don't think you need it. You could have Chava learn all of that info when she's chosen or brought to the facility.
- telling vs showing. There's telling prose (like overuse of adverbs) and there's telling plot here. An example of the latter is Chava overhearing the conversation between Berke and Eli but you don't show it, you're skipping it.
- tips for showing: Use the 5 senses to guide your reader, add internal thoughts and feelings between dialogue.

This might seem like a lot of notes now, but I really believe you can do it. Over the course of this novel you've already shown improvement. And you have multiple instances of showing and wit. Personally, I'd like to see more of that. A lot of people already love it as it is. And again, my point is not to bash you or anything, it's just my opinion that this could improve your writing. You can do with that whatever you want. Hatzlacha!


Are you a writing teacher or something? LOL

I feel like OP was just having fun and sharing it with us...
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amother




Crocus
 

Post Fri, Jan 07 2022, 8:09 am
amother [ Lightcoral ] wrote:
Are you a writing teacher or something? LOL

I feel like OP was just having fun and sharing it with us...


I'm a writer Smile there's nothing wrong with having fun. I commented after op posted about her story in the "problem with frum novels" thread. I really like the story and I think it could be published one day if edited. Just my opinion, I hope I didn't offend OP. I really hope she'll continue writing.
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amother




Apricot
 

Post Fri, Jan 07 2022, 8:23 am
amother [ Crocus ] wrote:
Hi,
I read this story after you posted the link in the "problem with frum books" thread. I really like the concept of a jewish dystopian romance novel. I also liked the chemistry between Eli and Chava. Since you asked for feedback I'd like to give you my honest thoughts. I'm writing out of a place of love, and I wouldn't have read all of the installments if I didn't think there was something there. I hope this is helpful.
PLOT
- I'm unclear about the experiment because I didn't really understand what goal it is trying to achieve. It seems like the people are confided into a room like a time capsule. Whenever scientists do a study they usually have a question and record their findings. So if they want to find out what isolation does to people they might do regular physical and mental check ins. They might have recordings. They would definitely have rules.
- Chava's illness seemingly comes out of nowhere. If you foreshadow this, you can ease your reader into the drama, and it's not going to be jarring. A lot of time is spent in the beginning on her illness, but it sort of fades away after the diagnosis.
-Another thing I was unclear on (and this goes back to having no rules for the experiment) was the room and job division. Why was Chava given a big apartment? Why does she need to cook and clean, instead of personal that would conduct the experiment? Why aren't the boys helping her until she becomes a kallah? You hint at there being other girls, but Chava never interacts with them. Wouldn't she try to make a friend so she can commiserate?
- to what degree are they isolated?
-everything should have a reason, even if the reader is not privy to it. You can drop hints here and there.
MY PLOT SUGGESTIONS
- instead of covid 19, you could make it some other plague that scientists need to find a cure for
- instead of marrying them off for yichud reasons, maybe the boys and girls in this building are the only ones immune to the plague and the government wants them to marry so they can breed more super-immune kids
- Eli and Chava could arrive on the same day. I really think a character learning about the rules of this compound will make it more immersive.
- more comparisons to what life was like before the isolation and what their hopes and dreams are for after
PROSE
- whenever you edit, please be mindful of POV. You have some POV breaks here and there. The easiest POV to write in is first person. If you're not experienced with third limited, just write it all in first person and edit it later into third.
- editors advise nowadays against prologues, and I actually don't think you need it. You could have Chava learn all of that info when she's chosen or brought to the facility.
- telling vs showing. There's telling prose (like overuse of adverbs) and there's telling plot here. An example of the latter is Chava overhearing the conversation between Berke and Eli but you don't show it, you're skipping it.
- tips for showing: Use the 5 senses to guide your reader, add internal thoughts and feelings between dialogue.

This might seem like a lot of notes now, but I really believe you can do it. Over the course of this novel you've already shown improvement. And you have multiple instances of showing and wit. Personally, I'd like to see more of that. A lot of people already love it as it is. And again, my point is not to bash you or anything, it's just my opinion that this could improve your writing. You can do with that whatever you want. Hatzlacha!


I don't even understand anything you are writing here...I'm assuming most of us didn't even notice these things, we are all loving this straight from the heart relatable story!!
Let us know when you write a sophisticated story with all these writing rules 😀
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Revafe




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jan 07 2022, 9:22 am
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
I don't even understand anything you are writing here...I'm assuming most of us didn't even notice these things, we are all loving this straight from the heart relatable story!!
Let us know when you write a sophisticated story with all these writing rules 😀


Apricot I'm with you! I hands down love the story and everything in it! OP, keep it up and know that your growing fan base is getting impatient!!!
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amother




Honeydew
 

Post Fri, Jan 07 2022, 9:34 am
Yes! I am an avid and sophisticated reader, and I LOVE the story as it is.

Please please do not change a thing!

The whole experiment thing just reminds me of golus, our times, and even can be seen l'havdil as a bit Kafkaesque.


LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!

So original authentic and genuine -- truly resonates!
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amother




Honeydew
 

Post Fri, Jan 07 2022, 9:35 am
LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING IT PUBLISHED!

I will buy it.

Sure I am not alone.
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amother




Honeydew
 

Post Fri, Jan 07 2022, 9:37 am
And if you find it "indulgent" to spend your time and energy to write this story I am sure you will send plenty of tzedaka.
So please please go for it!
This is so from the heart it does feel like part of your neshama's ratzon and tafkid.

Wishing you much continued hatzlocha!
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Revafe




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jan 07 2022, 9:48 am
amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:
And if you find it "indulgent" to spend your time and energy to write this story I am sure you will send plenty of tzedaka.


???
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aweinback




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jan 07 2022, 9:49 am
[quote="amother [ Crocus ]"]
PROSE
-
- telling vs showing. There's telling prose (like overuse of adverbs) and there's telling plot here. An example of the latter is Chava overhearing the conversation between Berke and Eli but you don't show it, you're skipping it. [quote]


Overuse of Adverbs is a pet peeve of mine (Even JK Rowling’s books are chock full of them and it drives me nuts.) But I personally did not feel bombarded with adverbs when reading this story.
I think OP did a very good job balancing these out.
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amother




Crocus
 

Post Fri, Jan 07 2022, 9:53 am
[quote="aweinback"]
amother [ Crocus ] wrote:

PROSE
-
- telling vs showing. There's telling prose (like overuse of adverbs) and there's telling plot here. An example of the latter is Chava overhearing the conversation between Berke and Eli but you don't show it, you're skipping it.


Adverbs is a pet peeve of mine (Even JK Rowling’s books are chock full of them and it drives me nuts.) But I personally did not feel bombarded with adverbs when reading this story.
I think OP did a very good job balancing these out.


Adverbs is just an example.
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