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Do your children earn any of the things they want?
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 7:49 am
For example, playdates, sleepovers, pizza delivery, special treats etc.
Should children need to earn any of these things or should they just expect them regardless of their behavior (screaming, hitting, disrespect etc.)?
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amother




Chestnut
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 7:57 am
I never made my kids earn things but they don’t really hit or scream so 🤷‍♀️
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salt




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 7:59 am
I think you are asking, should a child be punished for misbehaving, by taking away things that he likes or wants.

I never usually do that.
But I may tell my child to finish his homework first, before inviting a friend - that's not considered 'earning' the friend, it's just encouraging correct behaviour.

My DH likes to make little deals with my kids - like if you read the parsha on shabbat you can get desert, etc.
I don't like it so much, but it works for them - it never causes too much distress or tension.
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amother




Tomato
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:10 am
I would have no problem saying
something like at sleepovers you don't get a lot of sleep which makes it harder to "hold things together". I need to see that you can hold it together generally before letting you do something that will make it more challenging. If you are screaming and hitting you clearly are having a hard time holding it together.
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amother




Burntblack
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:10 am
My kids earn some things like big prizes. Things that are part of a normal childhood like sleepovers and pizza are just given because it’s ok to have some happiness and fun for no reason. The way I use earning is if they ask for something big, expensive or they just got a lot of things I’ll say I’m not getting that now but if you want you can earn it to get it faster. They choose what to do to earn it though.

That being said sticker charts or tickets for good behavior with a prize at the end is a method that does work for some children. As long as they are earning some extras but still get things just because I don’t see an issue with it.
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English3




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:29 am
Totally not as black and white as you make it. I love making surprises for my kids here and there just to bring some joy. I also have made them earn some of the things or whatever you want to call it. I for sure have told them if you're dressed early in the morning I will make a cheese toast.
I would never give a child something if they just hit or were disrespectful without getting an apology first.
Generally hiring and screaming I do not give a consequence of a treat if I promised that before the misbehaviour
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:33 am
I guess I'm very old fashioned?
When my DD8 screams and slams doors and then wants a friend to sleep over, I feel that I'm rewarding bad behavior. But it sounds like others don't agree with this approach. I'm lost.
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amother




Midnight
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:34 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I guess I'm very old fashioned?
When my DD8 screams and slams doors and then wants a friend to sleep over, I feel that I'm rewarding bad behavior. But it sounds like others don't agree with this approach. I'm lost.


This isn't normal behavior. Have you had her evaluated? Is there something else going on?
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LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:34 am
I had to earn things as a kid - usually if I wanted something badly that was expensive or unnecessary. I did extra chores around the house.
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Laiya




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:36 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
For example, playdates, sleepovers, pizza delivery, special treats etc.
Should children need to earn any of these things or should they just expect them regardless of their behavior (screaming, hitting, disrespect etc.)?


I don't like to make children earn things. I think it's important for them to learn that in life, good things happen. So sometimes we do fun things or get special treats just because.

That said, when you're in the middle of dealing with difficult behaviors, that probably isn't the time. You would give prizes and treats when the atmosphere is positive.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:37 am
Some things they earn, some things they use their allowance, and some things they get just because
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amother




Eggshell
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:38 am
Yes and no.

When my children were very young we would have charts to brush teeth or stay in bed with small token treats.

I can’t imagine doing it now that they are older.
I’ll do big things as appreciation. But not earned.

Like everyone helped for yom tov so I’ll get them each a gift. There is no chart or warnings or expectations. Just a thank you at the end.

Or everyone contributes to the household so we get things as needed.

But now I’m thinking I could see places I have: I want my kids to read extra over the summer (none of them are readers) I’ll offer a small outing to everyone that reads daily. But it’s optional.
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amother




Cornsilk
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:41 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I guess I'm very old fashioned?
When my DD8 screams and slams doors and then wants a friend to sleep over, I feel that I'm rewarding bad behavior. But it sounds like others don't agree with this approach. I'm lost.

Sounds like my daughter.
I'm working on having a full evaluation.. Something seems off to me at the moment.
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amother




Eggshell
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:42 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I guess I'm very old fashioned?
When my DD8 screams and slams doors and then wants a friend to sleep over, I feel that I'm rewarding bad behavior. But it sounds like others don't agree with this approach. I'm lost.


It sounds like you are taking something away as a consequence for behavior that is not acceptable at a sleepover.

Not earning it with good behavior.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:47 am
amother [ Midnight ] wrote:
This isn't normal behavior. Have you had her evaluated? Is there something else going on?


she's high strung and high anxiety
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:49 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
she's high strung and high anxiety

Then the poor kid is suffering. She’s not giving you a hard time, she’s having a hard time. Find a way to help her.
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English3




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:54 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I guess I'm very old fashioned?
When my DD8 screams and slams doors and then wants a friend to sleep over, I feel that I'm rewarding bad behavior. But it sounds like others don't agree with this approach. I'm lost.

You asked a general question and we answered but for more detailed answer you need to share more.
Your child might need a different approach, you might benefit from going to a parenting expert. Some kids need different tools than the rest.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:56 am
Zehava wrote:
Then the poor kid is suffering. She’s not giving you a hard time, she’s having a hard time. Find a way to help her.


Trust me, I've tried it all.
Don't some people have more difficult personalities or a more stubborn nature?
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:11 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Trust me, I've tried it all.
Don't some people have more difficult personalities or a more stubborn nature?

You said she has anxiety. Anxiety is a psychiatric condition that is painful and needs to be treated.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:24 am
Zehava wrote:
You said she has anxiety. Anxiety is a psychiatric condition that is painful and needs to be treated.


to clarify she has never been diagnosed.
Nor have I
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