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Do your children earn any of the things they want?
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amother




Currant
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:28 am
I feel like people who don’t have difficult children have so many “helpful” tips because they have no idea what some of us go through on a daily basis. This is totally a tangent, but I feel like the people who have kids who don’t fight/scream/yell/hit shouldn’t be answering these types of threads. It’s not helpful. My kids fight all day every day. It’s miserable. So yes, I have them “earn” rewards. All I ask is that they go ten minutes without fighting and it’s impossible.
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tigerwife




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:37 am
To answer the original question, I think it’s great for kids to learn that if they want something extra, they have the ability to do something extra to earn it. If they are too young to be earning money, they can earn it by following a chart or doing extra chores. Hard work pays off!

I don’t think kids should work for anything that is basic. Are pizza deliveries and sleepovers basic? In my opinion, they don’t fall under the “extras” category, but maybe because my kids are young and those kinds of things end up happening as a benefit to myself, not my kids (too tired to make dinner, need to travel so kids sleep over by cousins).

Some things fall more into consequence of behavior than an earned reward. For example, if you finish your pizza, you can get a gum ball. You can’t get a gum ball if you don’t finish your pizza. I’m sorry you’re upset about not getting a gum ball- only kids who ate enough pizza can get a gum ball. I don’t see the gum ball as a reward. Logically, I’m not giving dessert before dinner.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:45 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
to clarify she has never been diagnosed.
Nor have I

Have you had her evaluated?
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 10:08 am
amother [ Currant ] wrote:
I feel like people who don’t have difficult children have so many “helpful” tips because they have no idea what some of us go through on a daily basis. This is totally a tangent, but I feel like the people who have kids who don’t fight/scream/yell/hit shouldn’t be answering these types of threads. It’s not helpful. My kids fight all day every day. It’s miserable. So yes, I have them “earn” rewards. All I ask is that they go ten minutes without fighting and it’s impossible.


You're right- I should've posted in a different forum.
I'm with you sister ♥
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 10:13 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
You're right- I should've posted in a different forum.
I'm with you sister ♥

FTR I’m on that forum. I don’t think that when posting advice people should assume things about other people’s kids. Nor do I think I need to malign my kids on here in order to “qualify”. Take my advice or leave it that’s up to you.
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amother




Lemon
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 10:20 am
amother [ Currant ] wrote:
I feel like people who don’t have difficult children have so many “helpful” tips because they have no idea what some of us go through on a daily basis. This is totally a tangent, but I feel like the people who have kids who don’t fight/scream/yell/hit shouldn’t be answering these types of threads. It’s not helpful. My kids fight all day every day. It’s miserable. So yes, I have them “earn” rewards. All I ask is that they go ten minutes without fighting and it’s impossible.


I have difficult kids. I like to try and set them up for success. For example if I ask for ten minutes of quiet (I don’t call it no fighting because when my kids hear no they automatically think let’s go do it) then I will for example (you should do what works for your kids) set one kid up in his bedroom with headphones; one in the kitchen whipping something up, and one on the dining room table with some paper and crayons.
I find that this method is most likely to work with my kids but can be difficult to implement on a busy day.
This month is stressful for everyone. keep extra chocolate on hand, for bribery and to treat yourself.
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amother




Lemon
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 10:22 am
Sorry my post has nothing to do with the title or the op.
The title: yes they do
The op question: it highly depends bit usually I will not equate treats with bad behavior or taking away the good stuff with punishment. Slam a door and five minutes later ask for a sleepover, one has nothing to do with the other. Discuss the door slam right after the child calms down. And I say I’ll think about it for the sleepover.
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amother




Midnight
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 10:34 am
Yes some people are more high strung but I don't see how a punishment helps that. Slamming doors is her trying to communicate. Find out what's going on. Help her self regulate.

If it's a child without anxiety then a punishment is fine but it sounds like your dd has more going on
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mommy3b2c




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:05 am
I give my kids everything they want within reason. Sometimes if they want something really big I make a deal. If they are misbehaving then I can take something away. Some things they just don’t get. For example, if they want to go to Florida for midwinter and I can’t go or don’t want to, then I tell them no. Or when my son wants every single toy from every commercial he sees, I obviously don’t get them all. But I do get him some of them. Sometimes just because and sometimes I make a deal do him to earn it. It’s pretty simple. I don’t believe in depriving kids of things to teach them the lesson that they can’t have everything they want. Because guess what? Nobody gets everything they want. I don’t believe in making life harder then it needs to be .
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amother




Strawberry
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:14 am
How do you and dh react to things in life? I think I was like that at a slightly older age, but I was modeling inappropriate behavior.
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:58 am
I have a son who will be 7 after sukkos. He is very high strung and has some degree of anxiety. Bribes/Prizes/Taking away the bribes and prizes just ratchet up the behavior. It does not help it at all it just makes him more anxious.
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rosesandlilies




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:01 pm
Zehava wrote:
FTR I’m on that forum. I don’t think that when posting advice people should assume things about other people’s kids. Nor do I think I need to malign my kids on here in order to “qualify”. Take my advice or leave it that’s up to you.
sorry to go off topic but I'm relatively newish here and don't come on so often. Would you care to share if there's a special forum for difficult kids? I sometimes would really be able to use advice from mom's in my position who understand the challenging child.... My friends never seem to understand me exactly... Now for OPs question I would say it totally depends what is being earned as well as kids age. Younger kids don't have a good enough concept of time. A two week chart feels like they Wil never get there so depending on age kids need to earn their extra specials differently. That's beside the point that I feel children should be surprised with extras from time to time just because mom loves them. Mom isn't the only one who loves being surprised by daddy with gifts.....
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:52 pm
amother [ Midnight ] wrote:
Yes some people are more high strung but I don't see how a punishment helps that. Slamming doors is her trying to communicate. Find out what's going on. Help her self regulate.

If it's a child without anxiety then a punishment is fine but it sounds like your dd has more going on


How do I help her self regulate? She screams louder when I try to help her. She behaves very nicely around friends and relatives but completely loses it at home. Doesn't that mean that she has some sense of control/choice over her reactions?
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:57 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How do I help her self regulate? She screams louder when I try to help her. She behaves very nicely around friends and relatives but completely loses it at home. Doesn't that mean that she has some sense of control/choice over her reactions?

Empathy, attunement, and possible professional help.
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chocolate moose




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 7:14 pm
I've paid fpasrt of things for kids not the whole amount
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amother




Maize
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:21 pm
I let my kids earn things they want for doing things but I try to leave behavior out of it. In my experience, they are well behaved without incentives when they are able, and when they are not, it’s because they are literally not capable. Bribes don’t help when they’re out of control. So we save it for things like reading contests, brushing teeth, davening, and so on.
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:15 pm
Not really. I have done rewards, charts, incentives generally for things that were very difficult for the child and needed to get done regardless.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:21 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I guess I'm very old fashioned?
When my DD8 screams and slams doors and then wants a friend to sleep over, I feel that I'm rewarding bad behavior. But it sounds like others don't agree with this approach. I'm lost.


Old Fashioned Bubby here.

Of course you don't give permission for a treat when there is bad behavior.

I would make a written contract, making it clear what behavior is necessary
to earn certain treats.

A parent has a CHIYUV to be MECHANECH their children to be Mentchen!

(don't make the standards impossible for child to achieve. Maybe a week with
no disrespect, no screaming, tantrumming (door slamming), then can get a privilege)
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:25 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How do I help her self regulate? She screams louder when I try to help her. She behaves very nicely around friends and relatives but completely loses it at home. Doesn't that mean that she has some sense of control/choice over her reactions?


Yes, she can control her behavior when she wants to.

Don't try to help her - just walk out when she starts screaming.
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:26 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How do I help her self regulate? She screams louder when I try to help her. She behaves very nicely around friends and relatives but completely loses it at home. Doesn't that mean that she has some sense of control/choice over her reactions?


You're giving us very little information so I can't really answer you. I can just share about my kid. She is also high strung and an angel in school. It's anyone's guess why. Possibly because school is way more structured. Rules are very clear. At home not so much. Could be that she can keep it together for a limited amount of time. Could be she knows that at home Mommy loves her and she can lose it, or maybe she knows that Mommy may give in to her. Either way until these kids grow up they can be very draining (and also lots of fun) and my feeling is that she will be much easier as she grows up.
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