Home

Simchas Torah Anxiety regarding social interaction
1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 7:26 am
I'm getting so anxious just thinking about the following dynamics.

I am a very private person and hate getting asked questions especially from random people who I only get to see once a year on Simchas Torah.

Instead of warming up to a person and one sharing a bit voluntarily with the other, I find people ask and ask and ask personal questions.

They also infringe on my personal space by commenting on all my clothing, accessories, children clothing. I like compliments but sometimes it feels like most people have forgotten the art of being friendly, cordial, polite, acquainted...etc and not instant best friends where everyone is expected to share their whole life

Is anyone like me and finds this overwhelming ?

How do you give the impression that you're friendly and kind but still don't appreciate all of the above behaviour?
Back to top

amother




Ivory
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 7:29 am
The hakafos are not a time for talking so just bring a machzor and appear to say with and watch.
Back to top

amother




DarkGreen
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 7:31 am
Enlist a friend to “body guard you” and keep you company
Have answers ready you can keep it short and be ready to turn the convo to the other person
Have ready reasons to break it up like you have to go to the bathroom etc
Bring a tehilim
Back to top

amother




Geranium
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 7:36 am
I try and do it to them back. It's usually a kind of small talk where people are trying to find things to say. Clothing is usually something that comes to mind and most people don't feel it will be too sensitive. (I'm talking about where you get complimented-your kids look so put together, I love the way you've matched them etc, not the interrogation of where did you buy your clothes, especially if you haven't bought anything new or if you got the clothes second hand)
After they make the comment to you, you then say it back. Like if they said I love your dress where did you get it, you make some comment of I've had this a while and always liked it. You always dress so nicely, where do you manage to find your clothes?
Easiest is to find someone you do know and like and talk to them.
But tbh, there's no real need to be there the whole time. I usually come late and leave early-needing to heat up the food is always a reasonable sounding excuse. I hate simchas torah as I'm an introvert and hate these social events.
Back to top

thunderstorm




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 7:39 am
amother [ Ivory ] wrote:
The hakafos are not a time for talking so just bring a machzor and appear to say with and watch.

You may be right, but in all shuls I’ve ever been to, it’s a social scene and the women yap away while the men dance.
Back to top

amother




Mauve
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 7:43 am
It’s small talk. Prepare other conversation pieces to use and you start the conversation instead.
Back to top

amother




Bronze
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 7:48 am
So stay home. Judaism as a spectator sport is no fun anyway
Back to top

amother




Mauve
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 8:17 am
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
So stay home. Judaism as a spectator sport is no fun anyway


You need a shul with better looking men 😆 😆 😆
Back to top

amother




Bronze
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 8:20 am
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
You need a shul with better looking men 😆 😆 😆


I assume you’re kidding. But shul is not where I ogle the men.
Back to top

amother




DarkYellow
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 8:22 am
I totally get you OP
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 8:24 am
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
So stay home. Judaism as a spectator sport is no fun anyway


This.

I leave when hakafos start. Either just finish davening at home, or just stay home altogether.

If it's not bringing me simcha for the Torah, then staying for the dancing seems counterproductive.
Back to top

amother




Mauve
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 8:31 am
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
I assume you’re kidding. But shul is not where I ogle the men.

Yes I was joking. I know the heaviness that the statement I responded to can come with. So I tried Lightning the mood.
Back to top

amother




Tangerine
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 8:34 am
thunderstorm wrote:
You may be right, but in all shuls I’ve ever been to, it’s a social scene and the women yap away while the men dance.


Right, in a lot of shuls there’s not a lot for the women to do during hakafos.
Back to top

amother




Acacia
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 9:42 am
My shul breaks for kiddush after the third hakafa, and then there are shiurim for the women through the rest of the hakafos and the leining. We are back in shul before Kol HaNaarim, but miss the all the repetitions of VeZot HaBracha while all the men get an aliyah.

They ask for volunteers to give the shiurim, so the quality can be variable, but it is a community effort, and there is generally one or two top quality shiurim and a couple of mediocre ones which manage to remain interesting by including a lot of discussion.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 9:48 am
I love attending the hakafas and watching DH dance. I do really enjoy chatting to other women. I just don't like the oversharing.
Back to top

zaq




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 12:17 pm
Bronze, you said that shul is not where you ogle men. Pray tell, where DO you ogle men?
Back to top

zaq




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 12:18 pm
amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:
Right, in a lot of shuls there’s not a lot for the women to do during hakafos.


Find a shul where women dance separately. Goooooo, MO!!!!!!!
Back to top

Simple1




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 12:30 pm
I don't stay for more than a few minutes, if at all. I'm not particularly private, but I really don't like crowds.
Back to top

amother




PlumPink
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 12:32 pm
Smile, nod, then point to your ears showing you can’t hear. ( what with all the singing and noise from children this is true in my shul)

Say the tfillos or tehillim in a corner.

Leave when it becomes too much.

Learn to say one liners and throw the questions or comments back to the others.
I am a very social person, but as I get older, I need it less. I am learning that it’s ok not to answer and if necessary walk away.
Ex: where were you? You missed your kids holding a sefer torah. Years ago I would have excused myself with a hundred excuses. Now I say - couldn’t make it or just nod and smile.
Back to top

amother




Viola
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 5:44 pm
After every question anybody asks you turn it around and say 'and you?'. Where did you get those headbands? Give birth to baby? Buy your shaitel...
You don't have to be the only one who ends up feeling like on the witness stand.
Back to top
1, 2  Next Recent Topics

Page 1 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Torah Ohr in Eretz Yisroel
by amother
5 Yesterday at 7:32 am View last post
by mk10
Camp kol Torah and adhd meds - anyone have experience?
by amother
1 Mon, Jan 24 2022, 10:00 pm View last post
Volunteering ideas in a social setting
by amother
2 Mon, Jan 24 2022, 11:00 am View last post
Best chinuch shiurim on Torah Anytime?
by amother
7 Thu, Jan 20 2022, 12:28 pm View last post
Yeshiva Ahavas Torah closing
by amother
11 Thu, Jan 20 2022, 11:19 am View last post