I spoil my kids AMA

thunderstorm

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:00 am

Zehava wrote:

Only food gets spoiled. It’s the kids who get “things” instead of connection that grow up entitled and self-centered. Because that’s the only love they know. But when there’s a strong connection there as well, respect flowing both ways, when the parents spend actual time with the kids in addition to giving them things, they’ll grow up just fine. The key is also to not step in and save them when life itself teaches them resilience. Such as when hard situations arise at school or with friends. Just be there and empathize and allow them to learn.

This is exactly what I was going to say.
As long as you are not substituting love and connection with things , your children will benefit from this. Giving your kids love and providing them with wants in addition to their needs is not called spoiling.
If a parent has “no patience” for their child and instead says yes to them at every whim because they don’t want to deal with the kids reactions, then that could be damaging to a child, because the child feels that their parent doesn’t have patience to deal with him. Or if a parent does their child’s projects or homework because they can’t deal with the kids tantrums, I think you are not teaching a child responsibility or resilience. As long as you are patient, loving, and connect to your kids on a deep level, and you have the ability to give them things that they want and ask for, you’re giving them an ideal childhood.

Zehava

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:03 am

tp3 wrote:

The older the kids, the bigger mess they make. Just an FYI in case you think you're just fine cleaning up after your kids every single time.

I do agree with this. I don’t know why, possibly because they’re more independent, but I do find it to be true.

amother

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:08 am

Sewsew_mom wrote:

I'll agree with previous poster. I really don't think you spoil your kids. I think it's middle of the road parenting - just you choose to do their chores. Which by all means make your life slightly harder (or pay for a maid either way is fine) but I see no spoiling here. Spoiled are kids that get anything and everything are never told no and than spit in the mothers face. You seem to give them love and attention and than also just feel like it's easier to clean up after them.
I think your AMA is not really the topic your portraying. But u grt a medal for being a good mother and being in tune with your xhs feelings.. Cus even that isn't something to take for granted.

You're so sweet! Thank you!!!

amother

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:12 am

tp3 wrote:

The older the kids, the bigger mess they make. Just an FYI in case you think you're just fine cleaning up after your kids every single time.

I find it reverse. My younger ones play with magna tiles, clicks, dolls, mentchies etc.. all at the same time. It can take an hour to clean up their toys. My older ones make puzzles, play board games, go bike riding. Takes minutes to clean up. Way less mess. Also as they get older they can more easily appreciate the value in cleaning up, have more patience. It's easier to try to get them to clean up when they are older.

amother

Pistachio

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:17 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My toddler cleans up really well. I don’t get the big deal honestly. I say let’s put the magnatiles in the bin before we take out the kitchen and she does it happily. They enjoy putting things in bins at that age. And my older kids play with everything. They make a huge mess and they hate cleaning. How old is your oldest?

amother

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:17 am

English3 wrote:

I feel that some mothers are more wind natured hence this style parenting. Just curious op, how does your husband like your style?

I think I'm water actually. I feel my kids a lot. So I'm very attuned. Sometimes maybe too attuned.

My husband has 2 sides too him. He's very warm but he's a bit stuck in the 1900's. So they get the heavy handed discipline from him some times.

To answer your question. He respects my parenting ALOT. On the other hand sometimes he gets really annoyed at how chill I am with the kids behaviors. But over the years he has definitely softened. Mostly we are on the same page.

honeymoon

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:17 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I agree. My little ones wreck my house. My older ones easily entertain themselves with books, crafts and other stuff that don't create such a mess. They also care about their stuff more so they are on top of putting it away that it shouldn't get lost or ruined.

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:17 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If kids are used to mom always cleaning up after them, it won't suddenly happen that they'll start cleaning up after themselves when they're older.
What about putting their trash in the garbage and clearing their dishes after a meal? Do they do that or do you? Do they also leave a mess for you to clean after they shower?

amother

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:20 am

amother [ Pistachio ] wrote:

To protect my identity I will say under 20.

amother

Wallflower

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:23 am

amother [ Bluebonnet ] wrote:

I think we're discussing 2 separate issues here:
Giving kids stuff they want; which this is fine.
Kids not cleaning up after themselves and mom being the maid is a total different thing and it's not fine.

Just pointing out that I've seen this universally - kids will be eating outside, and throw their snack bags on the floor. This has been a problem for as long as I can remember. And it's pretty universal. So I'm not seeing all these kids who are so disciplined.

Also, plenty of my kids' friends come here and make huge messes and don't clean up after themselves, even after I ask them. If they were really trained, this wouldn't be happening.

amother

Pistachio

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:26 am

amother [ Wallflower ] wrote:

That’s not universal at all. Yes some kids do it but there are plenty that would never do that. I don’t think I ever had to say don’t throw your things on the floor outside, when we are out my kids ask me to help them find a garbage can.

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:26 am

amother [ Wallflower ] wrote:

Most kids don't throw trash on the floor.
On my block, the kids that throw trash on the floor are the kids that are undisciplined in general.
And just because other kids are undisciplined, doesn't give you an excuse to not discipline your kids. I don't think I have ever had kids over that did not clean up after themselves, especially after being asked.

amother

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:36 am

amother [ Pistachio ] wrote:

If they don't want to hold it till we find a garbage I hold it for them while we find one. I model. I once realized that as I got older I wasn't doing the things my mother trained me to do. I was doing the things my mother did herself.

tp3

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:39 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Magnatiles and menchies are a breeze compared to what teens can do in the kitchen making their own food, and in their bedrooms. And in the living room and dining room. And basement and bathrooms.
And since they're never home, they're not there to clean up even a quarter of what they leave behind.

amother

Maroon

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:39 am

I think we put way too much blame and burden on parents these days for the way their kids are. I have 2 children. One of them cleans and one of them does not. I do not have to tell the one who cleans to clean up. The mess bothers him and he cleans it whether he made the mess or not. He closed cabinets after he opens them, places containers back in the fridge when he takes them out, etc. The other child leaves everything out. I need to remind him to throw his clothing in the hamper, I need to tell him when to shower, I need to tell him to close the cabinet, put the hw in the knapsack etc. No matter how much I say it, he continues to leave a mess? Is one more spoiled than the other or were they born with different temperaments? The messy one will probably leave things out after he gets married no matter how much I disciplined him. I hope his wife doesn’t blame me for that, just like someone doesn’t blame the mother for a spouse being an introvert, an extrovert , more anxious , more chill etc. I absolutely teach him to clean up and put way more effort into it than I do for the one that is naturally good at cleaning.