Why is no one working and how do they live?

amother

NeonOrange

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 9:29 am

I also want to point out that I once had a neighbor who made a very big deal about the fact that she and her husband both worked. Full time. (Nevermind that they were both teachers so yes they "had" to work the summers in camp but they were on a school schedule and at least one of them was off when their kids were off.) At the time my husband was learning part-time and finishing his BA, and I was working on my Master's on a part time basis and it didn't pay for me to work because whatever I would make would barely cover the babysitter for my newborn and yes we were being supported by both sets of parents but very obviously did NOT have a high standard of living (I also didn't drive in a place where you really needed to drive). I was also going through a very rough period of what was most likely postpartum anxiety and didn't have much of a support system around.

One afternoon I was outside with my baby on the swing talking with another neighbor (who was a nurse and didn't work every day) and this first neighbor, the one who "worked full time" saw us and very condescendingly said "It's so nice that you can sit outside like this!" I felt like telling her point blank that I would love to be in a position to work like she was, but it wasn't feasible. It's not always what meets the eye

And former neighbor, if you recognize yourself in this, I hope that in 8 years you have recognized that someone having time to sit outside during the day with their children doesn't mean that they don't work hard or that they have an easy life!

amother

Topaz

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 9:43 am

I'm pregnant and can't work since I feel so ill. I've never been able to work through pregnancy and a year or so after. And since having a family is a priority for us, I work only when I'm not pregnant or nursing, which is every few years short-term. My husband brings in about 90k and we have no credit card or other debt besides our mortgage. Hashem is reliable.
But we live very simply, no vacations, no car, no cleaning lady, barely ever buy myself anything.
And we pay for our own food. Tuitions are discounted, about $15k, 6 kids in school.

amother

Clematis

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 10:00 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Huh? How? WHy? I would have thought that this is one of those bits of information that spouses of course, share with each other when they start a new job. And how do you live without knowing how much money your husband is bringing in?

ETA: I see someone else had the same question.

Idk I keep begging to sit down and do finances wirh him. He's an Amazon seller. I make my own income by doing freelance work and I pay off my own cc with my own bank account but I have no idea how much money he's bringing in... or it's all stored or invested...

amother

Forsythia

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 10:04 am

amother [ Clematis ] wrote:

Many amazon sellers have no clue how much they actually earn. And income may not be steady.
It may help you guys to sit down with a professional and setup software to track and manage.

amother

Cornsilk

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 10:07 am

I keep hearing about shortages of workers, from Lakewood babysitters to bus drivers. I thought everyone is on unemployment. Everyone I know works including my daughters in Lakewood who desperately look for child care. One daughter just found someone who woke up one morning and decided to start working so she advertised as a babysitter. My reaction to that was, imagine "deciding" to work. Most people I know don't have a choice.

amother

Amber

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 11:06 am

I'm adding my two cents. I'm going through a very hard time at work and BH was able to use some paid family leave and take off for 2 weeks. My babysitter is still here because I cant let her go so I spend time around town and taking walks and shopping (but never buying anything). I used to think who on earth is around and just shopping during the day and going on leisure walks. This whole thing has really shown me that we cant judge we really dont know why someone is/isnt working- they can be out of job and not telling you or not emotionally able to. It's def healthiest to look at your life and do whats best for you and your family even. Dont think about how others do it, thats not your problem really.

amother

DarkPurple

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 11:15 am

I’m the sahm without any kids home during the day. I used to work. I worked through difficult pregnancies and returned to work 5 weeks after c sections. But I got burnt out. I never had any paid or family help. Dh wasn’t available either. It effected my sholem bayis and my kids. Dh encouraged me to give up my job. I’m so happy I did bh. He’s trying to cover that income with some side jobs. My kids are getting older and they each have their physical and emotional issues. I’m an introvert, and the only way I could deal with all the noise and issues is because I have some hours to myself during the day. I find that people always judge me for doing “nothing”. I used to tell them all my excuses but I stopped. Now I just nod and move on. I know I’m doing what’s best for myself and my family and that’s what counts.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 11:16 am

Also- a lot of people are working part time. If you see someone trying on clothing at 11am it’s very possible that she is running off to work and has to be there by 12:15. Some people are working but sometimes go out to eat at a cafe for lunch so if you see women hanging out and drinking coffee it’s very possible they are on a lunch break.
Very few people stay home and spend their time shopping and going out to eat on a regular basis.
As I posted earlier… I’m home these days- not shopping around, no cleaning help…,I’m about to mop my sticky floor, empty the dishwasher, wash my milchig pots that have been soaking since last night, fold a few loads of laundry and put in another load to wash, make the beds… I just got off the phone arranging for tutoring for one child and a medical appointment for another child. If I still have time before I need to prepare supper and kids come home I will go out to return something I ordered online. Yes I’m happy that I’m not working but it’s a regular life. It’s not vacation mode.
Oh and clothing shopping? It’s been on my list of things to do for a while… right now all I have for shabbos is a black skirt with 3 different tops. Maybe one day I’ll find time to shop for myself.

amother

Sand

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 12:05 pm

I live in a community with lots of SAHMs.
I'll just give one example of how it works, even when husband is in a lower paying job.
He is a rebbe in the morning. He also teaches english in the afternoons. he comes home for about 30-45 minutes to see family and eat, and then heads back out for 1 hour of learning, followed by a few hours of tutoring. He doesn't return until 10-11 at night. Wife has cleaning help for 3-4 hours a week. Cooking, housework, shopping, childcare, appointments, are all hers. Her kids are home until 2.5 at least, if not 3.
Vacation and family trips are not standard at all. Neither is any form of take-out or eating out (besides the occasional stopping in for a coffee while out shopping).
This is very common in my circles.

My husband isn't that "type", and "only" works 1 regular job, so I'm stuck working pretty full time. The plan is for me to stop at the end of this school year and take at least 1 year off, since I'm extremely burnt out. My husband is in the process of opening a business which we hope will bring in enough to just about make it.
I do pay full tuition, and that will not change BE"H. it's a priority and comes before buying new clothes. (I'd take hand me downs before cutting tuition)

amother

Geranium

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 12:36 pm

amother [ Clematis ] wrote:

I was working very full time, the price of commuting, babysitting and takeout took out half my salary. So now I "stay home" and still spend money on cleaning help but everyone wins and this is the cost of life. I have no idea what dh makes but he encourages this

You really don't know dh salary? Never heard of this!

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 12:54 pm

amother [ Geranium ] wrote:

You really don't know dh salary? Never heard of this!

I also don't know exactly how much we earn.

I know my salary and dh's salary but then we have income from property and I have lost track how much is coming in. When everyone pay on time, it is about the same as each of our salaries (dh just mentioned it yesterday, I would not have known otherwise).

amother

Offwhite

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 1:00 pm

I don't want to make this political, but now more than ever people are incentivized not to work. Food stamps have increased, child tax credit has increased and is paid monthly, and unemployment benefits were increased as well. On top of that some who aren't vaxxed aren't allowed to work, and many that are vaxxed are afraid to work. Put it all together and people stay home.

amother

Amaranthus

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 1:01 pm

//
I’m the sahm without any kids home during the day. I used to work. I worked through difficult pregnancies and returned to work 5 weeks after c sections. But I got burnt out. I never had any paid or family help. Dh wasn’t available either. It effected my sholem bayis and my kids. Dh encouraged me to give up my job. I’m so happy I did bh. He’s trying to cover that income with some side jobs. My kids are getting older and they each have their physical and emotional issues. I’m an introvert, and the only way I could deal with all the noise and issues is because I have some hours to myself during the day. I find that people always judge me for doing “nothing”. I used to tell them all my excuses but I stopped. Now I just nod and move on. I know I’m doing what’s best for myself and my family and that’s what counts.//

I could have written this post word for word. I left my job after having 4 kids under age 7 and very little support - emotionally especially. Only difference was my DH didn't encourage me to give up my job, but I just did. I was not functional. I had planned to take off for a year or 2 max. Then came more challenges, and 2 children with learning disabilities/special needs. What I do all week is shuttle everyone to appointments. Its time consuming and tiring. Everyone really does have a story.

amother

DarkGreen

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 1:05 pm

amother [ NeonOrange ] wrote:

You have to admit it’s lucky that neither you or dh had to work while getting your degrees.

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 1:05 pm

amother [ Offwhite ] wrote:

It is sad but I don't find it awful that this situation enables mothers to stay with their children. It will be beneficial in the long run, if these mothers nurture the kids and don't burn out in the process.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 1:24 pm

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

I usually vote Republican, but in this case I am happy that mothers of small children are able to stay home and take care of them. I really am.