my kid is a TERROR

juko

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 11:31 am

My 3 year old son is sooo hard. If he doesn't get what he wants he SCREAMS bloody murder. He started now with saying bad words, like stupid and he once told me and my husband to shutup. I got so mad I put him in his room. But he doesn't stay there he comes out, so I have to keep putting him in. It's almost not worth it because its so much work. I try so hard not to scream at him, or punish him too much, but he pushes me so far, that I find myself screaming too often. When he is behaving ( which he can do) I praise him from today till tomorrow, which he loves. He feels so good. But that doesn't stop him from acting up next time. He is also not good with other kids. He bothers them alot, for example, taking off their yarmuka and throwing it across the room, or hitting them sometimes. I feel myself becoming the parent I always promised myself I would never be. I hate when parents are always yelling and punishing their kids. But what am I supposed to do, when he says stupid for the 15th time, and I reprimand him calmly the first few times, but then I justy end up yelling at him or punishing him.
How do people handle a defiant child?

zigi

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 12:16 pm

hugs((((()))) I have 2 of them! my older boy is very good when we use a lot of praise and mention the good things that he does, it was soo good to be one on one with him in a calm environment. he really needed it. I sometimes hear only bad things about him that I start to think that he IS bad. so its hard to think that he really is good and lets try to make sure that everyone can see the good in him too. I thought that I had a lot of patience but when he got older I get tested very often, I learned the things that trigger a bad reaction from me, like not getting enough sleep or that things are turning into a negative cycle. so I take a break, I put on a video. and step away. telling my self he is a good person, he is a good person. I hate to say this. does he have help in school? my ds has a seit teacher wich is helpful in teaching proper social skills, there is only so much we can do at home, I did see a differance in him now.

with screaming I have a dd who is turning 3 who shreiks the whole world knows her name, a guy came up to me on the street and said her name I remember you from the library. embarrassed

I tell her use your words if you scream you will not get what you want. it takes alot of patience. she can drive me crazy!!!!!!!!!! Twisted Evil

good luck! she also wants to do whatever she wants...

Mommastuff

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 1:09 pm

I totally sympathize. I have a kid that is a control freak in the sense that she will only do what she wants. Sometimes you have to pick your battles. If she will only eat standng up then I'd let her because otherwise she wouldn't eat. My mother tells me how wrong it is to let her walk and eat cause its dangerous and she'll never learn proper manners that way, but I see that she is the type that needs some freedom. I don't always allow things that are "wrong", but I definately "give in" sometimes.

If I'm too harsh on her, it will backfire. Besides screaming, she'll kick and hurt me or someone near her. I have noticed that suger exasperates the problem so I only give her sugar stuff in moderation for a treat.

She also figured out that when I'm angry at her she'll act worse just to get a rise out of me. Take a deep breath and remember that they're only only a child. They are learning to test limits and coping skills and independance... They are watching you to see what to do.

WhenI see my child copy what I do (like tell her sibling "no, no, no, don't touch that, it's hot" in a calm, sweet voice instead of yelling or hitting) it makes me see that I'm (sometimes) doing things right.

gryp

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 1:15 pm

Pick your battles?
When my 4 yr old says something he isn't supposed to, I don't freak out because I know he doesn't know better, he just needs some way to express what he's feeling through speech, and that's better than by hitting or bullying. When he's frustrated and trying to tell me why, I try to see what's going on inside him and how I can help him get through his frustrations. I choose times when he is in a good mood to point out what is unacceptable to say and show him different ways of saying what he said that was unacceptable.

Sticker charts are a great way to emphasize behavior in a positive way, but you have to keep his attitude positive about it by being positive yourself and making it exciting.

When my son was 3 and going through really tough times and would be hitting every second, I basically sat with him the entire day and we watched the clock together. In the beginning every five minutes that passed by, I would put a small treat in his hand/s that didn't hit. Once he got used to five minutes, I moved it up to ten, then twenty and half an hour. It worked like a charm. It got the hitting instinct out of him, and I no longer had to sit with him every single minute of the day.

What does he do exactly that is defiant?

Tamiri

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 1:27 pm

There is something called ODD, Obsessive Defiant Disorder, if I am not mistaken and memory serves me correctly. DS #1 was like that and now his brother DS #5 is like that. It's very hard to deal with a child who really wants his way or the high way. I wish one of you had the magic key for me. DS #5 is the most charming, bright, eloquent, loving child - unless you tell him NO to something or look at him the wrong way or rub his fur the wrong way. He keeps himself busy for hours without bothering a soul, until he gets it in his head that everyone is "stupid" and they should all "shut up" etc. He does not want to go to bed. He wants to dress himself (winter clothes in 95 degree heat). He wants to eat what he wants, and that's it. He doesn't want to sleep in his bed, only on the floor and preferably not in his room He is very neat and orderly. He is all of 3.25 years old.
We don't punish because it doesn't make a difference. We try over and over to let him know what proper behavior is: you can't keep calling people stupid, you can't say shut up when someone is talking to you etc. What keeps us going is that he's so easy to be around in general, as long as he's not bossing the world around; his brother, who was similar, is now a lovely young man of nearly 23 years old (he's been lovely since around age 18).
DS %5 used to bite, we stopped that. He used to hit a lot, we stopped that as well. He used to be in playgroup and when that got to be too much for him, we took him out. We are trying to train him to be "good" when in a social situation and the less stimulus, the better.
I think that sometimes these children are hyper sensitive to certain stimuli (stimulus?), things we maybe can't see/hear/feel as they do, and those stimuli drive them meshugga. All we can try and do is keep them calm as much as possible, make sure they feel safe at all times and hope they grow out of it as my DS #1 did. I believe that OT can probably help, in some cases. I am waiting till he goes to gan for the "experts" to tell me to get him "help", which will make things much easier all around.
Good luck. If I can do it at my old age, you can too!!!

Ruchel

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 1:42 pm

People also remember me because dd yells and shrieks. Some go as far as insulting me/her/us. Up to now, the least tolerant ones have almost all been yidden, the disappointment!
What can I do, she loves to yell. My dad says it's because she's so advanced she wanna talk, but obviously... she can't!

Weirdly, when she's around other kids she's an angel. The ped says she's bored without social life...

I wish I could help both of us, OP!

amother

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 1:45 pm

Tamiri wrote:

There is something called ODD, Obsessive Defiant Disorder, if I am not mistaken and memory serves me correctly.

Hi Tamiri,

I liked your post, but wanted to help the OP with her search. The ODD stands for oppositional defiance disorder, if you google this OP, you will get lots of information. I used to be a special ed teacher and taught many kids with this disorder. Please note, NO ONE here is saying that this is what your son has, because no one can diagnose over the internet, but if you'd like to research and discuss this with your pediatrician, you are more than welcome to. Hatzlacha

Tamiri

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 2:39 pm

amother wrote:

Tamiri wrote:

There is something called ODD, Obsessive Defiant Disorder, if I am not mistaken and memory serves me correctly.

Hi Tamiri,

I liked your post, but wanted to help the OP with her search. The ODD stands for oppositional defiance disorder,

Totally correct, I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was.
OPPOSITIONAL.
A lehach'is-nik, in other words.
Thanks for the correction. I am going to look it up online now. We did not have that luxury 20 years ago....

ChossidMom

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 4:20 pm

One of the things I learned in my parenting class is that you have to make sure that you have a ratio of 1:4 when it comes to negative : positive statements that you make to a child. If the ratio is off you have to either make less negative statements or more positive ones. "Your shirt is dirty" is a negative statement, not a neutral one".

Another thing I learned is that you have to decide what your "issues" are. Maybe "no standing on the coffee table" is an issue in your house and something you cannot compromise on. If so, when a child climbs up you can say "We don't stand on the coffee table" and take him down. If you give a direct command like "Get off the coffee table" you MUST enforce it. Meaning, if the child does not listen you have to punish him. A punishment is usually withholding a privilege (like taking away a favorite toy or something). The only time I learned that you put a kid in his room is if his behavior "spirals" out of control and he/she gets violent or verbally violent.

Some more basic pointers:
Make sure your child gets physical touch from you every day. Not necessarily hugs but touch in some form.
Make sure you think for 5 minutes every day about how much you appreciate your kids
Make sure each child gets 10 minutes of your undivided attention every day. And they're not allowed to know that now is their "10 minutes". And it has to be doing something they enjoy (not homework!)

I'm dealing with a difficult 4 year old and a 2 year old who totally does not listen to me now. I'm trying very hard to do stuff the positive way so that I don't find myself potching the whole time, especially with the 2 year old. I started to do charts with him. If he lets me dress him without hassling me I give him one sticker on his bed. It doesn't always work. Sometimes he just says "no" to everything ("no pants!, no socks!"). It's a real challenge, this parenting business!!!

amother

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 7:52 pm

juko wrote:

My 3 year old son is sooo hard. If he doesn't get what he wants he SCREAMS bloody murder.

What do you do when he screams bloody murder? Do you give in and say "OK, fine" or "OK, just this once" or do you let him scream him out? In other words, do you reinforce his tantrums? (Obviously we never intend to reinforce tantrums, but sometimes we do it without meaning to.)

Quote:

I got so mad I put him in his room. But he doesn't stay there he comes out, so I have to keep putting him in.

Is there any punishment when he comes out, other than being put right back in?

Quote:

I feel myself becoming the parent I always promised myself I would never be. I hate when parents are always yelling and punishing their kids.

It's true that it's never good for a parent to yell. This is something that is probably difficult for most of us to control, when our children drive us crazy. Please don't beat yourself up over it. However, I just wanted to point out that while it's good to worry about not being "that parent that always yells and punishes", it's also important not to be "that parent that always spoils and gives in to their children". Based on what youw wrote, you seem to put a lot of emphasis on not being "mean", and it made me wonder if enough emphasis is being placed on not being "too nice" either.

Please don't think I'm being judgmental. It's always easier to see a situation more clearly when you're not the one in it. Often I tell myself that I won't do XYandZ with my children, and then I find myself doing those exact things....and it makes me realize how difficult it is to always do the right thing when you're in the situation yourself.

Good luck!
[/quote]

ChossidMom

Tue, Apr 15 2008, 12:59 am

I have to add some more things I've learned
a. It is NEVER allowed to call Mommy and Daddy names. Unacceptable. You have to stop that one even by punishing.
b. Be consistent. Don't give in once but expect not to the next time. Let him scream. According to my teacher it is normal for a child to have many tantrums in one day (lasting up to 20 minutes each). If they learn that they can control us with their screaming it'll never stop.

BTW I have a 10 year old daughter who used to have terrible, terrible tantrums when she was younger (she still does sometimes). We handled it right and she got much, much better.

Another thing - I wouldn't keep putting your son in his room if he keeps coming out. Take away one of his toys and tell him you'll give it back when he starts to behave. Don't tell him you're taking it for a specific amount of time. He's got to start behaving nicely to get it.

My teacher says that if you get it right, you'll be punishing more in the beginning but that it will go down dramatically afterwards. She was right. I do very little punishing.

One more thing - the most important thing here is CLARITY. You and dh have to know which things are your ISSUES that you will go "all the way" with. You can't make an issue out of everything. But I've found that one of the hardest thing is for us to know what our major "issues" are. Many times parents are not clear themselves. If you are clear about what you allow and don't allow the child will see that and it'll be much easier for YOU to take a stand on what's important.

Best of luck to you!!!

mimivan

Tue, Apr 15 2008, 1:04 am

GR wrote:

Wow, I love this! I wish I knew this with my oldest!

gryp

Tue, Apr 15 2008, 8:59 am

Mimivan, desperation breeds creativity. Wink

I used it again to stop his nail-biting habit, and it worked great. He did go back to biting his nails a few weeks later and I leave him alone about it because he does it out of anxiety, and since we're working on the anxiety he's gotten much better at not having his hands in his mouth.

I just can't stand harping on the same thing over and over and over. The negative atmosphere it creates is so gloomy and depressing. Especially if the child feels so bad about what he has done but can't stop himself, I just don't think it's fair to punish under those circumstances. So this system worked great with all the angles involved.

juko

Tue, Apr 15 2008, 8:23 pm

OP here,

Ok my ds does not have ODD, I think that maybe you misunderstood my post. He is an extremely hard kid, but he is not always like this, not all day. He can be very good if he wants to be. Today for example, he was off from school already for pesach vacation, and I thought it would be a disaster to be home with him all day, but he actually behaved well. I was shocked.
But very often he does not listen to a word I say. He just does whatever he wants. He thinks he's the boss of everyone. Most of the time I have to threaten him in order to get him to listen. LIke I will not read you a book before bed if you dont brush your teeth. I dont like threatening him all the time, but I don't really know how else to get him to do s/t. He throws tantrums multiple times a day, he says bad words which I really hate. If he gets upset because I'm not giving him s/t he starts to scream and says mommy your stupid. He just does not care to listen to me.
Yes. I do have a baby at home. He actually loves him, he always wants him to come along wherever he's going. But maybe deep down he feels the loss of attention and is acting out. And if so, what can I do about it? I give him most of the attention as it is. The baby get much less attention than him. Very often the baby is playing on the floor by himself for awhile and I will play with the older one.
I just don't know what to do to get him to listen without everything being a battle. A sticker chart does nothing for him. He doesnt care about the stupid sticker. I get dpressed when days go by and its just punishment mode for so long. I can't live like that, I want him to be a happy kid, not one who constantly gets thrown in his room or a toy taken away.

happymom

Tue, Apr 15 2008, 8:30 pm

Quote:

It is NEVER allowed to call Mommy and Daddy names. Unacceptable. You have to stop that one even by punishing.

there are many positive ways to teach kids things. punishments are not the answer.

all you have to do is take your child aside at a good moment and put him on your lap tell him how much you love him and tehn tell him that you name is ____ (whatever ure name is) and thats what everyone else calls you but kids have a very special name thats only for them and its mommy and tatty. and tell him u are looking to see when he calls u mommy and not your first name because thats called kibud av vaem and its a big mitzvah....

I use this method in teaching kids how to behave and my daughter is always running to do the right thing! (well most of the time Wink

)