What would you do, mentoring question

amother

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 1:25 pm

As part of a program for girls at risk, I have a teenager who comes to hang out my house once a week to have a healthy outlet. This is a volunteer basis and it’s supposed to be good for the metor and the mentee, ie I let her hang/ eat our food/ bake and she also will help with the kids / clean up after herself, help with setting up for a meal if she joins us for a meal, etc. She typically chooses to bake with me. I used to give her 2-3 cupcakes in addition to the 2-3 she eats on the spot of whatever she baked to take home. Then, she started asking if she can bring home more for her siblings. I said yes so she has been bringing home half of whatever she bakes.
6 months later, she confessed to me that she is not sharing and eating the dozen cookies/ cupcakes/ etc for herself.
I am torn if I should go back and say I can’t give her that many. It doesn’t seem healthy for a 13 year old to be bringing home that much baked goods for herself.
Also the whole reason why I agree to do baking weekly which leaves a mess, uses up costly ingredients, is because she is also making a dessert for us. When she takes half there isn’t always enough for my family.

Wwyd?

amother

Snowflake

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 1:42 pm

I think you need to choose between having a mentee or a mother's helper. It doesn't sound like in this case she is able to do both.

If taking home for her family is the issue, I would just double the recipe. If the cost of ingredients is a problem maybe there is a fund that will help with that (maybe the organization that set you up with her?)

Is the girl diabetic? Is she eating them all at one sitting? Is she dealing with her emotions through food? I don't know what makes her at risk or what other issues are going on with her but it doesn't seem like overeating on cupcakes is her main problem so I'd let that one go for now.

allgood

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 1:49 pm

I want to point out that her telling the truth means that she is trusting you to know that information. I would keep that in mind when making a decision.
If it were me I'd express how happy I am that she told me and I wouldnt penalize it.
If it's a financial issue from your point then make cupcakes that cost less. If it's the idea of her eating too much I dont think that should be a concern right now unless she is extremely overweight.

Can you tell us more about this program?

amother

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 1:50 pm

amother [ Snowflake ] wrote:

She is not diabetic . It’s more a concern to me of dealing with her emotions through food and that she isn’t showing her parents what she is coming home with.
Not that I specifically need her help but I can’t dedicate 2 hours to hanging out with a teenager without overburdening myself unless she also helps out. I have my own kids, a full time job, and am happy to give her a chance to experience a healthy home dynamic and get spoiled a little but I don’t have very much to give. We aren’t wealthy and I am only doing this because the organization was desperate for volunteers (and as someone who grew up desperate for attention the cause spoke to me). For example, when she comes for supper she asks for specific foods that are more laborious than what I would normally make. I can’t patchke (my oldest is around 10) unless I have an extra pair of hands.

amother

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 1:53 pm

allgood wrote:

She is not overweight (she is very skinny) but she does have a history of bulemia.
The program is a mentoring program that the school organizes for kids who are struggling/ need attention/ at risk. They set up middle school girls with a “big sister “ / teacher. Some teachers help their girl with homework, some take on trips, some just let them be part of the family similar to what I am doing.

amother

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 1:54 pm

amother [ Lemonlime ] wrote:

Just to address the health aspect, 6 cupcakes per week is really not that much. Unless you think she is eating them all at once, one a day is really fine.

I am giving 6 as a random number, there are times she has brought home 18. It depends on how big of a recipe we make.

amother

Snowflake

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 1:56 pm

You can only do what you can do. If baking isn't working out then it's not working out. Maybe offer her a few other options of things to do with her.

It doesn't seem like you have the time or energy for mentorship at this time, which is perfectly okay and understandable.

amother

Black

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 1:59 pm

All the similar programs I am aware of are either run by a social worker or licensed therapist, or at the very least have one on call. If you have any concerns, the director of the program should be made aware, and they can make an informed decision of how best to deal with it.

amother

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 1:59 pm

amother [ Snowflake ] wrote:

I really don’t but they are very short of mentors, if I don’t do it she may well have to wait another year to get a match. It’s me or no one for this school year from what I understand.

amother

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 2:00 pm

amother [ Black ] wrote:

Is it run by a social worker, I can call her. I just don’t want to “get her in trouble “ with the school as much as to figure out what’s good for her , and us.

Stars

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 2:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Is it run by a social worker, I can call her. I just don’t want to “get her in trouble “ with the school as much as to figure out what’s good for her , and us.

Why would she get in trouble for taking home a bag of baked goods that you gave her permission to take?

amother

Black

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 2:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Is it run by a social worker, I can call her. I just don’t want to “get her in trouble “ with the school as much as to figure out what’s good for her , and us.

This is not getting anyone in trouble. Obviously if she has been referred to the program they are aware she has certain struggles. They want to help her, not play gotcha or punish her. It is actually irresponsible as her mentor, if you don't share concerns with them, imo.

amother

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 2:05 pm

Stars wrote:

Why would she get in trouble for taking home a bag of baked goods that you gave her permission to take?

I gave her permission to take for her family.
Without getting into much details, this is a girl with a history of taking others peoples stuff without permission and lying about it. I was also her teacher in a previous year. The social worker is the one in charge and I don’t want to turn this into something major.

amother

Black

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 2:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The more details you give the more clear it is that you must tell the social worker.

amother

Snowflake

Thu, Nov 25 2021, 2:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

As I'm sure you're aware, for children with emotional problems "taking people's stuff" is never about the stuff.

But yes, this is something to discuss with the social worker. Not to get her into trouble, but to explore your own boundaries and limits and how you can best be of help to her.