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S/O- forced to like a name
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:27 pm
Can someone please explain this concept to me.
Ive read sooo many threads "please help me like this name I HAVE to give" "I really hate this name but my in laws/dh insists" etc. I learned in seminary (by sem) that its really more appropriate for a mother to name the first child and for her choice to be valued over the husbands. ofc its a discussion, but as a chessed to the wife for carrying a baby for 9 long months, she can choose the name.

Why do inlaws think its a normal request to force their DIL/son to name their baby after them (if theyre sefardi) or after s/o who was niftar? I just really cant wrap my mind around it. Maybe bc I am more opinionated and dont like to be told what to do, but I would never name my baby after my FIL or MIL. I dont like their names. And I wouldnt want my kids named after my parents either

(were sefardi so its a kavod to do it by us)
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amother




Oatmeal
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:31 pm
I despise the concept. The only ones choosing the name should be the parents of the child. No one should be forced to hate their child's name. I believe it ruins the relationship between the parent and the baby and it's so wrong. I personally name whatever I feel is right. Shame on all people who force this on their kids.
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observer




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:32 pm
I think in many cases, the mother is choosing to name after a certain relative and is trying to like the name more.

In most cases, they are not being forced or coerced. It is the parents' choice and nobody else should interfere or tell them what to name their child.
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amother




Oatmeal
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:33 pm
observer wrote:
I think in many cases, the mother is choosing to name after a certain relative and is trying to like the name more.

In most cases, they are not being forced or coerced. It is the parents' choice and nobody else should interfere or tell them what to name their child.


I know from experience and from people posting here, that they are too terrified of said person's reaction and therefore give the name. They are being forced, some people cut off their kids if they dare give a different name.
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amother




Begonia
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:34 pm
My MIL passed away a year ago. If (with gds help) I get pregnant and it’s a girl, yes, I ‘have’ to
Name for her. It’s not a name I like. It’s Yiddish for one. But we can’t not name for
My husbands mother. I’m hoping I can convince him to add a (Hebrew) name and use that but I don’t know if he’ll
Go
For it. So yes I have to name
For my MIL
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:35 pm
amother [ Begonia ] wrote:
My MIL passed away a year ago. If (with gds help) I get pregnant and it’s a girl, yes, I ‘have’ to
Name for her. It’s not a name I like. It’s Yiddish for one. But we can’t not name for
My husbands mother. I’m hoping I can convince him to add a (Hebrew) name and use that but I don’t know if he’ll
Go
For it. So yes I have to name
For my MIL


I hope you get pregnant too iyh!
But can you please explain why you 'have to' name after your MIL?
You really dont have to do anything you dont want to do. You dont like her name, why call your child it? I dont understand this concept at alllll
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amother




Nemesia
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:36 pm
Huh? I think it's so incredibly beautiful.

I named my son after a grandfather I never met, who was pretty famous in our town. He has so much pride because of it. Imagine if you were the grandson of, say, Reb Moshe Feinstein. It wouldn't be a source of love and pride to bear his name?

My other sons are named after famous tzadikim. I named one of my daughters after a grandmother. While she wasn't as famous, I tell her all the time the fond memories I have of that grandmother. The name isn't this unique and flowery modern name, but it has depth and history.

I had the same when I was growing up. My grandparents adored me because of my name. It comforted them.

When I name my child and I see the joy on someone else's face, there's beauty and honor in it. Not everything is just about me and what I want. It's about continuation - our continuation.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:38 pm
amother [ Nemesia ] wrote:
Huh? I think it's so incredibly beautiful.

I named my son after a grandfather I never met, who was pretty famous in our town. He has so much pride because of it. Imagine if you were the grandson of, say, Reb Moshe Feinstein. It wouldn't be a source of love and pride to bear his name?

My other sons are named after famous tzadikim. I named one of my daughters after a grandmother. While she wasn't as famous, I tell her all the time the fond memories I have of that grandmother. The name isn't this unique and flowery modern name, but it has depth and history.

I had the same when I was growing up. My grandparents adored me because of my name. It comforted them.

When I name my child and I see the joy on someone else's face, there's beauty and honor in it. Not everything is just about me and what I want. It's about continuation - our continuation.


My post was regarding naming a name you DISLIKE. you like the names you named your child after. many posters dont like the names, yet still name their child by that name.
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amother




Pear
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:40 pm
observer wrote:
I think in many cases, the mother is choosing to name after a certain relative and is trying to like the name more.

In most cases, they are not being forced or coerced. It is the parents' choice and nobody else should interfere or tell them what to name their child.


I'm the op of the thread about name leah. No one is forcing or even hinting to me to name after my grandmother. If the name was unusual/uncommon I'd for sure not name after, but because it's such a typical nice name I'd like to come to like it more
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amother




Begonia
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:41 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I hope you get pregnant too iyh!
But can you please explain why you 'have to' name after your MIL?
You really dont have to do anything you dont want to do. You dont like her name, why call your child it? I dont understand this concept at alllll


Because it’s respectful both to my husband (who wants to name for her) and to her. To me it’s under the category of kibud av. I feel even asking about adding a name I have to
Tread very very lightly
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amother




Oatmeal
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:42 pm
amother [ Begonia ] wrote:
Because it’s respectful both to my husband (who wants to name for her) and to her. To me it’s under the category of kibud av. I feel even asking about adding a name I have to
Tread very very lightly


It doesn't fall under kibud av, I suggest you learn the halachos so that you don't have to be a slave to their demands
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amother




Tan
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:45 pm
Not everyone shrugs off customs so easily.

I named after a grandmother I loved very much, with a name I didn't particularly like, but I was proud and happy to do it. (And in the end, the name grew on me and suits dd very well).
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amother




Lawngreen
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:46 pm
I’ve never so much as suggested a name to my kids except as an obvious joke like “”How about Charvona?” if the kid is born on Purim. It’s their kid, not mine. Some parents “suggest” but IMO that’s unfair. The grandparents may think “no pressure” but the very fact that you’re saying something creates pressure.

PSA: Never say “no pressure.” It’s like “no offense”. It has exactly the opposite effect.
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amother




Feverfew
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:46 pm
The biggest shock to me is that your Sephardic. It’s wayyyy more serious by you guys. U name after the living so it’s a flat out insult to the persons face if you don’t give the name
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amother




Begonia
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:46 pm
amother [ Oatmeal ] wrote:
It doesn't fall under kibud av, I suggest you learn the halachos so that you don't have to be a slave to their demands


The spirit of the law. Either you get it or you don’t.
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:47 pm
My son is named for DH's grandfather, whose name was Yechiel Yaakov. I didn't love the name, but it was important for DH to give it because for various reasons at the time it was unlikely the grandfather would ever be named for otherwise. It greatly pleased DH's father and grandmother as well. I had intended for our son to at least be called Yaakov, which is an easier name to say, but somehow that never took and he is called Yechiel or sometimes just 'Chiel. It suits him but I don't still don't love the name.
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amother




Pumpkin
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:49 pm
Op I agree with you. But its not so simple. My mom barely spoke to me for a full year after I had my daughter because I changed her mother's name because I didn't like it. Obviously she is wrong and I did what I wanted to do. But some people may not be able to deal with the pressure and will just give a name to please others, even if they don't like the name. I don't regret the name I chose, but my relationship with my mom is definitely ruined beyond repair. Although it's her choice to behave that way, it's still sad for me, and not everyone can deal with that.
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amother




Nemesia
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:50 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My post was regarding naming a name you DISLIKE. you like the names you named your child after. many posters dont like the names, yet still name their child by that name.


I have children - multiple - that I didn't particularly like the name. In all cases, it grew on me. When I call them by their name, I don't really think about the name itself all that much. It's just them.

There was one yiddish name that I was struggling with - in the end someone died a bit sooner to the birth so I went with that one - but I think you can substitute the Hebrew version.
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amother




Nemesia
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:54 pm
amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:
Op I agree with you. But its not so simple. My mom barely spoke to me for a full year after I had my daughter because I changed her mother's name because I didn't like it. Obviously she is wrong and I did what I wanted to do. But some people may not be able to deal with the pressure and will just give a name to please others, even if they don't like the name. I don't regret the name I chose, but my relationship with my mom is definitely ruined beyond repair. Although it's her choice to behave that way, it's still sad for me, and not everyone can deal with that.


I'm not saying you're wrong. You aren't. I totally hear where you're coming from. I do think, after seeing my mother and her devastation after a parent died, that sometimes it's really part of their grief. That their parent isn't alive anymore, and that even their last chance for a memory in this world is now gone. I don't think you can understand that unless someone really close to you has died, and you miss them desperately. She feels a lot of pain in missing her mother, and maybe you didn't acknowledge that in a way that she understood.

I know my sibling did something similar, and while my mother didn't do anything like what you described, that sibling did go over a few years ago and apologized formally. She didn't even think, deep down, that she did anything wrong! But she apologized to my mother for not understanding how hurtful it was to her, and that she loved her and thanked her for understanding. My mother cried to hear it, and they're really quite close.
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amother




Turquoise
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 9:00 pm
I think it is possible to compromise, if you’re creative.

I named our first child, though DH had no real objections except that we didn’t end up using his favorite name.

For our second, I wanted to let him pick something he liked, but I also gently reminded him that various relatives named Aharon, Avraham, and Shlomo hadn’t been named after yet. I knew he wasn’t going to like any of them for various reasons (mostly having to do with people he knew; no offense to anyone with those names). The compromise we came up with, which we both love, was Ariel: a phonetic nod to Aharon and Avraham and a thematic nod to Shlomo, who built the beis Hamikdash which is called Ariel. And perfect for our baby, who was expected in Elul but came a few weeks early in Av.

(Anon because everyone who attended his bris knows this story.)
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