Family member on husband's side requested specific name...

amother

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 6:18 pm

Which I really dislike Sad

gonna ask our rav what to do. We know gender of baby. Family member doesn't, but said "if it's a _____, we were going to request such and such name because no one in the family has been named after her yet, and it would make us very happy". That's nice. It's my kid. We already picked a second name, so this would be a first name, and I already told my husband we don't have to call our child by the name I picked, because he's not crazy about it but agreed to it because it's related to a situation we went through. But I can't call my child by this other name😭😭 what to do!?

Gonna ask our rav too, but wanna know what you'd do...

amother

Blonde

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 6:25 pm

A request is just that. And since you said "a family member", rather than "my in-laws", I'm confused why you should even think a consult with a rov is required, except maybe to advise you how to respectfully put this person in their place.

One of my closest friends was approached (along with her husband) by her husband's brother, who had just lost his wife, and he asked that they name their baby after his deceased wife. She very nicely told him that hopefully his children will want to name for their mother, but they already had other intentions.

It's really such an unfair thing to put this on someone.

amother

Lightgray

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 6:27 pm

Family member is so vague.

If it's his aunt/uncle/cousin/sibling you can fully and completely ignore. If it's his parents, then it's going to need more diplomacy. But either way it's 100% your kid and ultimately your decision. (And if it's his parents there may be fall out that you're going to take into account for your decision.)

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 6:27 pm

Is the baby a girl? Can you daven you give birth Friday night and name her Shabbos morning before anyone else knows and can start putting their 2 cents in?

amother

Gray

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 7:03 pm

Can you not be assertive? Why are you bending already? You decided on a name already. Just use that one. End of story.

Sewsew_mom

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 7:07 pm

Your not serious are you? You really think this is a reason to ask a Sheila? This is your child. Your birthing your child into this world. Why would anyone have a say in the matter besides you and your husband. And who has the audacity to suggest you name your child a name they pick. This sounds really odd.
Hashem gave you this child. You name as you please. Children need strong confident parents, don't let other people Into your brain. Bshaa tova!

amother

Turquoise

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 7:12 pm

Parents are given Ruach Hakodesh to name their child the correct name. That means that the name YOU choose is the right one.

There is a concept of Kibud Av Va'em in naming a child after family members, but it is an OPTIONAL expression of Kibud Av Va'em, not one that cannot be demanded. You have zero halachic obligation to name a child what your parents tell you to, even if they beg/plead/order you to.

amother

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 7:36 pm

Thanks all! I do wholeheartedly agree with everything you are saying, and figured this would be the general consensus Smile

I guess I'm worried about the ramifications of not naming that name, and potentially hurting someone in the process. I'd hate for anyone to have a bad feeling toward our child every time they will be interacting, but not as much as I hate the name Wink

I'm gonna hope for the best!

bruriyah

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 7:38 pm

What about them caring about your feelings?? You carried this child for 9 months and will be raising him or her. No one gets to pick the name except you and your husband.

amother

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 7:44 pm

bruriyah wrote:

What about them caring about your feelings?? You carried this child for 9 months and will be raising him or her. No one gets to pick the name except you and your husband.

True, didn't think about it that way (as in, them caring about my feelings. I didn't tell them I dislike the name)

happy chick

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 7:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

True, didn't think about it that way (as in, them caring about my feelings. I didn't tell them I dislike the name)

Whether you like or dislike the name is irrelevant.

amother

Stoneblue

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 8:49 pm

Just came to say that we've had family members make ridiculous requests and we were nervous to turn them down because we didn't want there to be bad feelings against us. What our Rav told us is that if they're making such nonsensical requests in the first place, then it's not our problem that they feel upset about it.

No it's not pleasant to turn people down, but it's not considered our responsibility when they're asking for something that's completely out of bounds.

amother

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 9:28 pm

amother [ Stoneblue ] wrote:

I'm not sure our situation falls under the category of nonsensical, per sè, it's not like they're asking us to name a ridiculous name. many people love the name (it's a name from Tanach). Just not me. But yes, our rav said not to worry about family, they'll either come around or they won't, but in the end- our child, our decision.

amother

Ghostwhite

Mon, Dec 13 2021, 9:49 pm

The most important thing is for you to have positive feelings towards your child's name. Honestly nothing else matters. And when someone does something wrong by crossing boundaries we don't have to feel guilty saying no. That's not hurting anyone. They had no right to ask and it was absolutely not ok.

salt

Wed, Dec 15 2021, 2:38 am

I would warn them in advance, seeing as they've requested in advance.
After the birth you won't be up to confrontations.

"Sorry Auntie, remember you suggested we name the baby Brenda if it's a girl. Well I hope you won't be hurt, we thought about it, but just giving you advanced warning, we're very unlikely to use that name as we really dislike it, and we have to choose a name we like. Hope you understand"