Spending quality time with dh vs. giving someone a ride

amother

Strawberry

Wed, Dec 29 2021, 9:04 pm

octopus wrote:

I don't generally consider driving with my husband as a date. I know others do. But in my book that's a pretty stinky date, and would rather hire a babysitter so we could go out to eat.

First, it's not just driving in the car. You both get all dressed up and that sets a tone already. Second, we go to the wedding and spend plenty of time walking around the fancy lobby together (while waiting for chuppah, while family takes pictures, etc) and enjoying the nice atmosphere while talking etc. And then on the way back you get to continue, often while holding hands, romantic talk, etc. I don't know, weddings kind of put us in that mood more!!!

Second, in busy times, even a car ride should be used as quality time! Even if we go out to eat another night, and especially if we can't get out another night. The best thing for a marriage is spending quality time together, nothing wrong if it's in a car.

annalee

Wed, Dec 29 2021, 9:12 pm

Like some others, now I would probably give the ride. Since covid, dh is working from home and my kids have grown up some so we get a lot of quality time together. But ten years ago, when we could barely finish a sentence, it would have been a big no or a very resentful yes.
I know someone who, when asked for a ride in this kind of situation, says “oh, you want to come with me on my honeymoon?”

amother

Pistachio

Wed, Dec 29 2021, 9:54 pm

This exact question was once posted in the Ami in the Ask the Rabbi section (R' Shais Taub). He answered that doing a chesed like this, providing a ride for someone in need, should not be underestimated (I don't recall exact words, but this was the gist). Think of the person in need. It can be really hard to find a ride to a Simcha, and helping out is a huge chesed. You can find other times to bond with your husband. Additionally, adding my two cents here, a chesed like this will be a zechus for you and your husband.

amother

Wed, Dec 29 2021, 10:06 pm

Wow! I did not expect this to become such a hot topic! I though it was a thread on here that I was remembering, but now I think it was Rabbi Shais Taub. And yes, he said to give the ride.

I guess people come from different cultures. Where I come from, people don't want to waste money on a car service if they can get a ride for free. Everyone gives rides to people, and it's so fun! You get to socialize in the car. I would never consider telling someone to take a car service so that I don't have to have the burden of having them in the car with me.

Of course spending time with dh is important, but not at the expense of another person!

amother

Strawberry

Wed, Dec 29 2021, 10:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Isn't dh another person also?!?

amother

Wed, Dec 29 2021, 10:43 pm

Of course he is. And he enjoys the company as well.

And we have had passengers with special needs who were not very pleasant. Neither one of us considered saying no to a chessed because the person in need was not someone we enjoyed being with.

amother

Strawberry

Wed, Dec 29 2021, 10:46 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The point of doing chessed is not to enjoy the company. No one thinks that's the case.

The point many of us are saying is that chessed begins at home. If dh really wants/needs your time and attention (as many of our dh's do and rightfully deserve with the busy lifestyles, especially during the young children years), then perhaps it's more proper to start your chessed with your nearest and dearest.

octopus

Wed, Dec 29 2021, 11:06 pm

amother [ Strawberry ] wrote:

Ok well I obviously operate very differently than you. I don't view going to a wedding as a date at all. I don't hold hands with my husband in public. I understand what works for some doesn't work for others. I just don't consider driving in the car quality time especially if you can't even face one another to talk 100%. I'm not going to say how I incorporate quality time since I'm posting under my screen name.