Spending quality time with dh vs. giving someone a ride

ora_43

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 8:04 am

Another "it depends" vote here.

It depends how badly the person needs a ride (is there a bus line they could take? or is this their only way of getting there?). It depends how badly dh and I need time together, and when we'll next get a chance. It depends on whether they need a ride one way or both ways. And of course it depends what dh wants to do.

The main factor for me would be location. If we were going from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, then I'd probably say no and just enjoy the time with dh. But if we were going to any yishuv, I wouldn't even be expecting alone time in the car in the first place. There are always people hitchhiking, and getting a ride makes a huge difference (compared to bus times/availability), so...

singleagain

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 8:05 am

amother [ Whitesmoke ] wrote:

Curious for those that say they would say no to the person who needs a ride.... would you actually tell them the reason you're not taking them? "Sorry, DH and I need the alone time." ? Or would you make an excuse? Or do you just give a flat "no" with zero explanation?

I think this might depend on the person you are saying no to. Some ppl will accept a "sorry dh and I need alone time" other ppl will take any excuse you give and try to poke holes in it. So they need a flat "no" with zero explanation.

nicole81

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 8:14 am

amother [ Whitesmoke ] wrote:

You don't ever need to give someone an excuse for saying no. You can be polite or even apologetic, ie "I'm sorry, that won't work out" but no one is owed a reason.

Blessing1

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 8:15 am

I think that people should have more common sense then to ask a couple for a ride. I don't buy the excuse that they have no other way of getting there. If the event is important enough for them, they'd have arranged transportation well in advance instead of looking for free transportation. There's sometimes memo's posted on the shul bulletin board of people offering rides to others, I think only then is it appropriate to ask.

amother

Whitesmoke

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 8:17 am

nicole81 wrote:

You don't ever need to give someone an excuse for saying no. You can be polite or even apologetic, ie "I'm sorry, that won't work out" but no one is owed a reason.

Maybe I'm just insecure but I'd feel like such a jerk to just say no without explanation. And I don't like to lie either. So chances are I'd get sucked into it.

amother

SandyBrown

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 8:19 am

Of course chesed has to come at the expense of SOMETHING but it shouldn’t be at the expense of your Shalom Bayis. That’s sacred to me.
So if this quality time will be a big deal for you and dh it’s a no brainer.

I honestly would never ask a couple for a ride somewhere far away. Why put them in that awkward position?

I honestly don’t like giving rides in general because my longer car trips are time to make phone calls (don’t worry Bluetooth !) , unwind with a podcast or music, etc. Not shmooze with a stranger. I went to an event a few years ago that was about two hours away . A lady many years my senior called me and asked me for a ride both ways. Most of the ride she bashed the organization for whom the event was for, and also spent a lot of time complaining about the difficulties in her life. The ride home ended after midnight and she asked me to drive her across town to her house. It was icy and dark and miserable and what should have been a fun night catching up with friends at the event ended up being 4 very unpleasant hours in the car. I didn’t even feel like I was doing a chesed because the woman was so bitter towards the organization, I spent so much energy defending them to her! I wish I had been listening to music or a podcast and relaxing.

Moving forward unfortunately I decline rides due to this experience.

mommyhood

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 8:24 am

amother [ Whitesmoke ] wrote:

I’ve definitely told people that I’m going with dh and not taking passengers. It’s pretty standard among my friends that we know not to expect a ride if the couple is going so it’s never turned into a big deal.

amother

Mintcream

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 8:34 am

salt wrote:

This is not true.

About the ride, do as others have said - weigh up how much you and DH need the quality time, etc.
and then give an answer.

But to say chessed is not supposed to come at the expense of other things, well you'll never be doing chessed then.
Giving money to the poor comes at the expense of me not having that money.
Visiting the sick comes at the expense of me not being able to do something at that time.
Hachnassat orchim comes at the expense of having to buy extra food, entertain other people when I could be hanging out just with my DH or family.

The definition of chessed is doing something for others when you could be doing something for yourself.

Actually no. Do you know you are are not supposed to give tzedakah if it means not having enough for yourself? Where do you get the concept that it means you could be doing something for yourself? That’s not true at all. And your examples are not coming at the expense of others. You don’t have to give up something to do chessed.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 8:35 am

Blessing1 wrote:

Taxi or Uber. There always is another way.

Oh, I wasn't thinking of such close places. My hometown is a 7+ hour drive. I've had single girls ask if they could sit between my 2 car seats in the back. Even though it's nice to spend time with DH, I wouldn't say no to them if they have no other way (besides flying or whatever) to get there.

I also go on weekly dates with DH so maybe this time isn't AS precious to me as it would be to people who don't get as much alone time as a couple.

amother

Ecru

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 8:57 am

I'm gonna go with amother salt here- chessed is chessed because it does often come at the expense of something else.

This issue *always * comes up for us. We love spending time just us in the car chatting on the way to a simcha and of course the ride back recapping everything is even more fun. Even a little drive feels like a fun road trip without the kids. Also, it's my pet peeve to give rides. It always feels to me like someone is invading my private space.

AND YET we live in the city where most people don't have a car and we are asked for rides to nearly every event or simcha. *of course* we give the person/people rides. First of all, it's a chessed and also they'd either have to rent their own car or take public transportation to get anywhere. So yes, we do the chessed. That's the point of chessed.

Chayalle

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 9:13 am

I always tell my girls, when someone asks them for a favor, but they have lots of things they need to prioritize, to make up an amount of times they will do the favor/mitzva, and stick to that.

So for example, if you travel to a number of weddings and people ask you for rides, and you want quality time with your DH, you might make up that every 4th wedding (I'm just throwing in a random number) you will say yes and give a ride, and all the other times you will stick to saying Sorry, knowing you are prioritizing time with your DH.

I find that there are people who are very rigid about never doing anyone else favors, because their time with their spouse, children, etc...is always so important. Amazingly, these same people have no qualms about asking other people for the same type of favor and expecting them to come thru when they are in need of such a favor for themselves or their loved ones.

I think if everyone did a certain amount, at least there'd be favors going round sometimes, plus people attending to their family's needs.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 9:25 am

Blessing1 wrote:

Do not agree at all. Nothing is wrong with asking for a ride. Im always happy to give anyone a ride and if I wasnt able to I would say no.

amother

Strawberry

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 10:06 am

Chayalle wrote:

Or you can do chessed in other ways. When I am driving somewhere myself or with the kids, I offer people rides. I have other people's kids over when they have appointments, levayas, etc.
I cook meals for people who need, I make sure that I am doing chessed in my life.

But that doesn't have to come at the expense of quality time with dh, which for most people nowadays is a commodity. I don't have to give a ride every 4th wedding if I am doing chessed in other ways.
Happens to be we don't have that many weddings, maybe one a year, so it really is something we look forward to, getting all dressed up and spending a romantic ride together. Life is very very busy bh and we work very hard to try to keep the connection alive.

And ftr, no, I wouldn't ask a married couple for a ride either.

zaq

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 10:08 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

amother

Lightblue

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 10:16 am

I was married about 4 months and we rented a car to go from Lakewood to Brooklyn. I was in my first trimester of pregnancy and no one knew anything. We were very nice and gave my grandparents a ride too. I offered my grandfather to sit in the front and he said no no you guys rented the car you sit in front and Bobby and I will sit in the back. My aunt asked if we can take her mother as well and I said I'm sorry. I would have ended up sitting in the middle seat in the back squished between two old ladies and I have no doubt I would have ended up throwing up cuz I was already not feeling well. I did not spend over $200 to rent a car for the weekend with my new husband only to be barfing smushed between two old ladies in the back seat.

My aunts single son ended up driving the grandmother back to Brooklyn and my mother called me to yell at me for not taking the grandmother. This was ten years ago and I still get upset about it typing out this post!!!!

I rarely have any time alone with DH and would absolutely not take any passengers on the rare occassion dh were going to have a long car ride alone.