Spending quality time with dh vs. giving someone a ride

amother

Petunia

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 10:16 am

I'm actually shocked by the prevailing attitude on this thread. Maybe it's because I live in EY, where gas is expensive, parking is hard to find, and not everyone has a car (or 3). But IMO ride-sharing should be assumed when going to a simcha! It's bad for the environment for every couple to take their own car. Plus, there are always single people who don't have a car - and don't have money to take taxis everywhere! You want a date with your spouse? Plan one. Don't have money for a restaurant meal? Just go for a drive, sure. But when you're invited to a simcha it should be expected that you'll be asked for rides, and you should be happy to be able to help out! Personally I don't love driving, so often when I'm invited to a Simcha and my husband can't go, I ask other couples for a ride. Could I take my own car and drive alone? Technically I usually could. Or cough up a few hundred shekels each way for a taxi? But why should I have to? This attitude is very hard for me to understand.

amother

Strawberry

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 10:19 am

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

I think things are very different where you live and where I live.

Where I live (NJ), almost everyone has a car and parking is not an issue. Most people can find a ride with someone else if they really need one.

amother

Petunia

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 10:41 am

amother [ Strawberry ] wrote:

Okay, but if you're the only car coming from your town to your cousin's wedding in Baltimore, and the kallah's friend needs ride from your town, you'd say no, even if you have room in your car? There are always people who need a ride - either because they don't have a car, they don't have a license, they would rather not drive alone, or who knows. And there isn't always someone else who can give them one.

amother

Strawberry

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 10:43 am

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

What would she do if I wasn't going?

Depends on the specific situation. If it really was a situation where it's a genuine chessed and there was really no other option, I would say yes. But usually there are other options.

Chayalle

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 10:50 am

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

Ride-sharing should never be assumed. In fact, never assume other people should be doing you favors.

There is plenty of public transportation and taxis in E"Y. I have gone to E"Y for Simchas (like my niece's wedding) and I got there using public transportation.

Chayalle

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 10:51 am

amother [ Whitesmoke ] wrote:

Curious for those that say they would say no to the person who needs a ride.... would you actually tell them the reason you're not taking them? "Sorry, DH and I need the alone time." ? Or would you make an excuse? Or do you just give a flat "no" with zero explanation?

I'm sorry, but it doesn't work out for us.

amother

Melon

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 10:56 am

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

My parents babysit for us an average of 4 nights a year including emergencies. My kids can’t stay with another sitter so my husband and I take turns going to Simchas.

So if I’m going to a wedding in Baltimore, the 6 hours there and back are extremely valuable for me and my husband. Would I take someone if it was an emergency? Ofcourse, but otherwise no. It would be misplaced imo.

When I go myself I’m usually the one offering rides, I’ve had plenty of annoyances (missed the chuppah because someone ran late, waiting for ppl to leave) and it’s also some of the only time I get to relax/ get out on my own but I push myself and enjoy the feeling of giving.

amother

Melon

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 11:03 am

Chayalle wrote:

I always tell my girls, when someone asks them for a favor, but they have lots of things they need to prioritize, to make up an amount of times they will do the favor/mitzva, and stick to that.

So for example, if you travel to a number of weddings and people ask you for rides, and you want quality time with your DH, you might make up that every 4th wedding (I'm just throwing in a random number) you will say yes and give a ride, and all the other times you will stick to saying Sorry, knowing you are prioritizing time with your DH.

I find that there are people who are very rigid about never doing anyone else favors, because their time with their spouse, children, etc...is always so important. Amazingly, these same people have no qualms about asking other people for the same type of favor and expecting them to come thru when they are in need of such a favor for themselves or their loved ones.

I think if everyone did a certain amount, at least there'd be favors going round sometimes, plus people attending to their family's needs.

I love this!

There can still be things you wont do ever unless it’s an emergency/ a parent. And all of this ofcourse depends on how often it comes up etc etc.

Also, if there are many things you place strong boundaries around then maybe it’s worth some introspection. Is it really a hard thing for me to do or at I not valuing the opportunity to stretch myself and do a Chessed.

amother

Electricblue

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 11:14 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I know my husband would want to do the chesed of giving someone a ride if they had no other way of getting there. So we would of course give the ride.
Think of the person who wouldnt get to go to the simcha if they couldnt get that ride with you. To me thats an even bigger mitzvah than spending that quality time with your husband.
But thats just my opinon (and my DH's Smile

)

Agree 100%

amother

Melon

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 11:45 am

imorethanamother wrote:

Just a PSA - if an אלמנה or divorced woman is asking, please put aside your personal feelings and say yes. So many women I know feel so alone and abandoned by the community for being single.

Or any single women or anyone older for that matter.

I’m really thinking of the yeshiva Bochur or young girls that want to go sleep over by friends. And all the routes we would be taking have public transportation options.

amother

Petunia

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 12:17 pm

amother [ Melon ] wrote:

Okay, I hear that. That's like when my kids ask me to drive them to an appointment across town. Then I tell them to take a bus, if it's not convenient for me to drive them. But if I'm invited to a simcha 2 hours away and half my town is driving, I would be pretty disappointed if no one was willing to take me in their car, and I had to take a bus instead. I guess it's a different culture?

amother

Petunia

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 12:22 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I'm not sure where you were going from or to, in E"Y. There are plenty of routes that are difficult or downright impossible using public transportation. And some younger single people can handle the schlep by multiple buses etc. I'm a busy woman in my forties, and I'd be mighty annoyed if multiple people were driving my way, and they all refused to take me. Thankfully, whenever I have asked people for rides they have always been gracious. I'm glad I don't live where you guys live, I guess.

amother

Coral

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 12:29 pm

amother [ Celeste ] wrote:

AYLOR. People are making great assumptions here, based on nothing but their own feelings.

Why would I ask a rabbi when I know my own answer. I most likely won’t be able to give the ride. I rarely see my husband and it’s a chessed to us and our marriage to have some alone time

HonesttoGod

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 12:30 pm

It’s so dependent on so many things imo.
How often do you get alone quiet time wijt your dh?
How far away is the Simcha ?
Can this person find another ride?
Will it be awkward or is this person a good friend?

Personally, my husband is always working. We rarely get a date niyht and if we have to drive an hour or more to a Simcha we enjoy that time as our date niyht. We’re anyway paying for a babysitter and we’re anyway going out so we may as well make the most of it. Very often well stop along the way to get coffee or ice cream, it’s often just. Not. Comfortable for us to take someone with us. We’ve said no a few times to rides and we always say straight out “we’re using this time as a date night”. 99% of the time people understand. In fact if someone asked my husband for a ride once and he said I’m going with my wife let me ask hr and they person said no enjoy the time. They understood before I even had a say in the matter.

We’re not obligated to do chesed when it’s a strain on us. And realistically many couples are just not able to schedule another date night because neighbor Sarah wants to go to the wedding as well. Especially in the tri state area there are usually plenty people going both ways.

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 1:08 pm

Depends on the situation. I once got a call from an aquaintance. She wanted to know if I could give a ride to a friend (single woman) she was being m'karev. We were all going to the same wedding. Her friend hadn't ever been to a frum wedding before and didn't know anyone besides this woman and her husband (who had hosted her for Shabbos). Anyway she didn't want to go in alone but this woman didn't want to give her a ride because she was going with her husband (this was to a wedding hall that was a 10-15 minute drive away). But she didn't want her friend to miss out on the wedding and a chance to get more kiruv I guess. So she called me (I was single at the time) to ask on behalf of the woman. Of course, I said yes. Well she called back a few minutes later sounding kind of foolish, to say never mind, the woman didn't feel comfortable getting a ride with a total stranger.
But she still didn't give her a ride. I don't know if the woman ever ended up getting to the wedding. I also don't know if that woman ended up becoming religious or not.
I thought then (and I still do) this married woman really could have stretched herself a bit in a situation like this.