Mussar that is actually damaging - share your incident

Sewsew_mom

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 5:53 pm

My son's principal recently called me and told me my leggings (to the ankle) and shoes I wear are not tsnius because it's ervah. (obviously with a skirt covering me knee and dressed very modestly)
I told him I'm happy to discuss it with the rabbi who told him that. Needless to say he never got back to me. (I also rambled alot and may have given him a guilt trip)

My high school teacher stood over me for our entire 10 mnt mincha break because I didn't feel like davening and kept telling me to daven. Until this day I can't daven mincha.

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 6:00 pm

amother [ NeonPurple ] wrote:

A few days after my parents very public separation my principal called me in to ask me who my morah diasrah was. When she heard I didn’t have any she said ok I will be yours and proceeded to tell me that she will be teaching me hilchos kibbud av that apply in my situation.
I got up looked her in the eye and said
“When I’ll need your help, I’ll ask for it” and proceeded to walk out her door, and walk all the way home.

Sorry what is a morah diasra?

amother

Copper

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 6:16 pm

In 9th grade, my first report card was mostly 80s with 1 90. My mother asked why I didn't get more 90s. For the rest of 9th and 10th grade, my report cards were 70s with an occasional 60 mixed in. If my mother couldn't appreciate my best efforts, I saw no reason to try.

BrisketBoss

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 6:21 pm

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

Sorry. Bad parenting.

BrisketBoss

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 6:22 pm

amother [ Tealblue ] wrote:

My daughter was getting glasses and chose neon pink frames. I got a lecture from a former landlord how such brightly colored glasses take away the natural chein and aidelkeit from a girls face.

Seems like the frum version of men policing how women look so that it will suit them.

amother

Impatiens

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 6:26 pm

I am not sure this is quite the same thing but I worked as a secretary for a year or so before I went to college.

Originally I was hired to work for the man and his wife who were wonderful people. Then because I was good I was also asked to do work for a man who was not as nice. I did what he asked but I never went the "extra mile" like I did for my first boss and his wife.

When I announced that I was giving notice because I was going to college, the boss and his wife were happy for me and gave me a lovely present. The nasty man called me into his office and told me that I was not going to be successful and that he didn't see me as being "college material.

Some years later I was eating in a restaurant AFTER I HAD GRADUATE FROM A TOP TEN LAW SCHOOL and saw him. I couldn't resist going over to him and casually dropping how my life had turned out despite his prediction. LOL

I didn't take his "advice" seriously so I can't say it was damaging to me in anyway - I just thought it was another example of his gratuitous nastiness.

amother

Seashell

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 6:50 pm

Copper, when my BFF came home with a 98 her mother demanded to know why it wasn’t 100. Her response was to try harder but it made her a nervous wreck. She was valedictorian in HS and college and went on to a respected professional career but to this day she feels that nothing she does is ever good enough. As far as her mother is concerned, it still isn’t.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 7:05 pm

I'm reading through these stories and some of them are really quite horrific. Others just annoying, or mildly upsetting/ hurtful.

But what I want to say is that in a sense it doesn't really matter how extreme or mild the mussar. I'm fairly certain I learned that one shouldn't dish this out unless they are confident it will be received well and have a positive outcome. Do these random people really feel confident that they are so charming and convincing and speaking out of love that they will change behavior? (Never mind if it's some chumra that's nothing to do with the other person anyhow). I'm having a really hard time giving these folks benefit of doubt.

amother

Mintcream

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 7:13 pm

amother [ Gardenia ] wrote:

Someone sent me several letters in the mail and then called me to say that hair sticking out is assur, that my little 5 year old’s clothes are not tznius enough, and a whole bunch of other issues that are apparently assur to her but not to me because I don’t follow her shitos. She told me things like “if you don’t have yiras shamayim at least try to have yiras basar vdam” as if the entire world is keeping her “halachos” and I’m a public sinner.

She called me on erev Yom Kippur and I couldn’t daven throughout the day because she made me feel so wicked.

I started resenting those ultra frum people and their chumras

I was once seating at a bus stop and, here in Monsey, there is a crowd who really thinks they are the vaad hatznius. The lady approached me to tell me that my knee was showing ( could be, I was wearing a knee length skirt, with black tights and holding my squirmy baby) I got so mad!
I lifted the skirt to the middle of my tights. The lady ran away.

amother

Seashell

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 8:24 pm

To those who hugged me, thank you but it really was my BFF, not a “my friend has a problem” story. She’s the one who can use the hugs. My mother was the sort to say “ don’t worry about it, nobody gets an A plus every day of the week.”

amother

Ultramarine

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 8:30 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

I hugged your post because I was sad for your friend.

amother

Impatiens

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 8:32 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

My mother was a bit all over the place. She was a brilliant woman - came to US without speaking English when she was 10 and managed to graduate Phi Beta Kappa.

Academics were extremely important to her so anything less than an A was "not good enough for a Cohen" (not my real surname). My father was much more easy going. She relaxed in terms of academics once I was in college but I was also achieving at that point - Dean's List; admission to Top Ten Law School and got on Law Review based on high grades in my first year.

On the other hand she was lavishly over the top in praise of my other "achievements". I have no particular artistic, musical or singing ability and she would praise me to the moon. Anything I cooked was delicious. I am also completely average in terms of looks and she would tell me how beautiful I was - of course she would also let me know that something was unflattering or that my hair style wasn't becoming - her line was only a mother will let you know. Very Happy

BrisketBoss

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 8:51 pm

amother [ Daylily ] wrote:

When a rabbi I had just met asked me how many kids I had and I told him none ( after 8 years of marriage) he told me to be careful with hilkhot niddah. I could barely talk the rest of the evening.

This reminds me of a popular phrase on secular social media...

THE AUDACITY!!

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Dec 30 2021, 9:22 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

Your BFF sounds almost exactly like me (maybe it is?). In my forties now and still dealing with feelings of inadequacy.

amother

Pistachio

Fri, Dec 31 2021, 12:17 am

Few years ago I lost a newborn baby and to find meaning I started to go to Shabbos shiur weekly. As the Rebetzin Was giving lecture someone asked her about evil eye and what it can do. She proceeded to explain saying that when someone is jealous and looks at someone with evil eye then this can cause judgement. Judgement where Hashem decides if person DESERVES what they got. And as she said that she made strong eye contact with me. She knew my family personally so this was blow in heart to me.