Getting Nachas from our children or not

Rugelech

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 12:57 pm

Not knowing exactly where to put this post, I put it here.
I read a Dvar Torah last week which talks about getting Nachas from your children.
The Rabbi wrote that every parent wants to have nachas from their children, but that is not where our sights should be. He writes, our nurturing of our children's character should not be shaped on generating nachas from them. Otherwise they would turn into a miniature version of us, the parent and our child's own individuality and life's choices would be a reflection of us and not them.

I feel getting nachas from our children is important. We accept our children for who they are with their good middos and their negative side. And even if our child has difficulties, this is the child whom Hashem has decided we should be the parents of and for that we should be happy and do the best we can as parents. Getting nachas from our children is not at all making them a miniature of us.

behappy2

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 1:04 pm

I guess it depends what the Nachas is. If the Nachas is that they get 100's on their test, and become a doctor or a Rav then you're in trouble. But really Nachas can be very broad. That's a really good point.

amother

Bergamot

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 1:08 pm

I think it’s natural for parents to want to feel pride in their childrens’ accomplishments.

I also think parents need to be careful not to get too caught up in the nachas thing, or define nachas too narrowly.

amother

Purple

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 2:31 pm

Define nachas. It is NOT the job of the child to give the parents nachas. It is on the parents to see the nachas in their kids actions. It's a mindset and attitude.

amother

Purple

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 2:32 pm

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

Nachas is seeing your children growing into the people they are meant to be, not the people you think they should be.

EXACTLY! SPOT ON!!!

PinkFridge

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 2:33 pm

Rugelech, I think we have to parent with the knowledge that whatever the metrics, we might not see "nachas". But we need to connect to whoever our children become.
All we should want is that they be menschen/menschettes who have a connection to Yiddishkeit. The way to get there is davening, modeling, davening, providing opportunities and education, and davening.

amother

DarkCyan

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 2:36 pm

Really depends what nachas is. Nachas to me is seeing my child develop their own self and becoming the best version of themselves.

zaq

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 2:37 pm

I don't see why getting nachas means making a child over in your own image. On the contrary, you can get tremendous nachas from seeing your child do well in ways you yourself never did. What you probably don't get nachas from is seeing your child excel at things of which you disapprove. Not many of us would get much nachas from our dc becoming a top underwear model--although in public we would probably claim to be exceedingly proud of the accomplishment.

BrisketBoss

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 2:53 pm

I think the point is that we should be focused on the child and not how the child makes us feel. The child's job is to be himself and fulfill his mission in life, not to generate nachas for us. Of course, it is wonderful when the two align.

Everyone struggles with different things, as the cliché goes. Some mothers struggle with disappointment that their child doesn't meet their expectations of who they would be.

amother

Purple

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 3:00 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

I think the point is that we should be focused on the child and not how the child makes us feel. The child's job is to be himself and fulfill his mission in life, not to generate nachas for us. Of course, it is wonderful when the two align.

Everything struggles with different things, as the cliché goes. Some mothers struggle with disappointment that their child doesn't meet their expectations of who they would be.

This. And nachas is also a choice and mindset of a parent.

Rugelech

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 12:08 am

I don't understand why there can be any reason not to have nachas from our children. I want my children to fulfil their own mission in life and I will get nachas from them however they choose to do that.

the world's best mom

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:06 am

What is nachas? For me...

When the baby smiles at you.

When the kid (any age) hugs you or cuddles with you.

When a child says, "I love you."

When your child is happy.

When your child has struggled with a behavior and has now overcome it.

Everyone has their own struggles. If they are learning and growing, that is nachas.

amother

Midnight

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:41 pm

Rugelech wrote:

Please explain why not

Children are not there to give us nachas. If they do, great, but we can't expect that. A rav once said, no expectations from our kids. Our job is to be mechanech them in the proper way and hopefully they will go in the way of Hashem. But if we expect nachas, then it's all about us, and what's in it for us.

naomi2

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:51 pm

Just want to say that nachas is like a cherry on top. If you get it you are lucky but it's not guaranteed and shouldn't be expected. I heard from a rav that your children are not here to give you nachas, they are here for your avodas Hashem. Through raising them, you become a better person and get schar for your effort.
So maybe don't think about it too much and just say bh thank you when you feel it in the moment. Think micro, when your child says thank you, makes a bracha, shares, engages in the parsha discussion etc.
Edit I see I cross posted with Midnight

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:58 pm

The other day someone posted this in another thread and I saved it and put in on my screen saver (sorry ima I don’t remember who you were)

I daven that I see nachas from myself as a parent. I daven that I succeed in being the parent my children deserve.