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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 1:52 pm
Please be compassionate. I crying my eyes out.

I have a 12 y.o. daughter. I have always felt like I am not enough for her. Like she suffocates me. Whenever I give her something, she wants more. There are many things and activities that she doesn't like and she has always wanted to be accomodated. Like, when there is an outing, she would be the one who does not want to go and has a "stomach ache". She always complains about little things. She is so sedentary that some days I have to practically drag her out of the house to walk as a form of exercise. She is looking fine but is heading towards being overweight.
Anyway. I recently had a baby. The baby won't nap in the buggy well. Frequently I have to carry her in my arms while also pushing the buggy.
Today my kids have their sport lessons. Two of my sons similar age as this daughter take lessons together. They ride to the practice by themselves.

My daughter takes another course, in a different location. It is the same length ride with a public transport as where my other kids go. My daughter says she doesn't really want to go to this sport for a petty reason, but I make her (the reason is petty; she is good at this sport; she needs exercise). But then she won't go there alone! We have to take her and pick her up. When I was pregnant I would often uber her there while leaving my younger kids with the cleaner at home (on gadgets).
Now it is really difficult. I had told her in advance, she would have to ride there by herself. She said okay.
Important info: It is not easy to find a sport with a good location and good times in our area. I looked for a long time and couldn't find much.

Another disclaimer: it is absolutely normal for kids in our place to take public transport. It is safe.

Important info 2: the last couple of days were rough for me and baby. We had some medical treatments done to us plus afterwards she cried a lot in public and I had to shlep home and was exhausted. I felt it was unfair to baby (and me) to repeat this experience on the same day. The baby was clingy and whiny for the rest of the day, I hardly had a second to eat and didn't pee all day long.

So today after school she asked (!) What she should do and I said, go straight to sport. She said no. I said, I won't be able to take you from home, we are tired. She mumbled smth, kind of okay. Then there was a silence and I told her to go home.
She came home and then expected me to take her to the practice. I said no, and that I had told her no on the phone. She claimed she hadnt heard it on the phone. Anyway. She refused again to go by herself. I decided to try and get ready and accompany her. When I was nursing the baby started to calm down and fall asleep and I felt that it's too much. I won't shlep outside now just because she wants me to, while 2 other kids peacefully left for their practice and four other people have to suffer to make her wish come true (me, baby, two younger kids with no attention from me).
I told her just that and after some arguing she left for her practice alone. On the way she started calling me and asking directions (even though we have gone this way before). I looked at the clock and she was awfully late anyway. I was so tired by this arguing, and anticipated more calls for more directions, and her possibly getting lost, that I just told her she was running late and she is free to do whatever.

Then I just broke out crying. I am just so tired from all the arguing and trying to accomodate her while IN FACT there is no problem at all. She can suck it up and just go there by herself. But no. She will drive me nuts first before agreeing and then will in effect sabotage it by being too late.
She is never happy. If it were up to her, she would be eating candy and watching videos all day long.
I cannot plan her bas mitzva (we haven't celebrated yet) because - you guessed it - there is no activities that she likes. She knows exactly what she doesn't want (everything I suggest) and there is one thing that she would begrudgingly accept. But I won't spend time, effort and money to arrange something she only tolerates and doesn't love.

More disclaimers: she won't go to a psychologist to address this discomfort in transport because she used to go to one and didn't like it.
She does home workouts sometimes but does them completely wrong and won't accept any feedback. So they are useless.

So what am I - a pushover or a tyran? And what is she - a victim or a brat?

So far I am just proud I ranted to dh and didn't tell her that I hate her.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 2:02 pm
My advice is to cancel the class and stop pushing her to exercise. It's not working. She has to find the value by herself. Stop believing that this is your job and stop going out of your way to accommodate her. Easier said than done but don't let her poor habits get to you.
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amother




Chestnut
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 2:02 pm
I think you are expecting way too much of her. She sounds like a normal kid.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 2:04 pm
You need to take a very very giant step back. For both your sakes.
Let her take some responsibility for her life. You won’t always be around to micromanage it.
You’re just making both of you miserable.
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amother




Pumpkin
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 2:07 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Please be compassionate. I crying my eyes out.

I have a 12 y.o. daughter. I have always felt like I am not enough for her. Like she suffocates me. Whenever I give her something, she wants more. There are many things and activities that she doesn't like and she has always wanted to be accomodated. Like, when there is an outing, she would be the one who does not want to go and has a "stomach ache". She always complains about little things. She is so sedentary that some days I have to practically drag her out of the house to walk as a form of exercise. She is looking fine but is heading towards being overweight.
Anyway. I recently had a baby. The baby won't nap in the buggy well. Frequently I have to carry her in my arms while also pushing the buggy.
Today my kids have their sport lessons. Two of my sons similar age as this daughter take lessons together. They ride to the practice by themselves.

My daughter takes another course, in a different location. It is the same length ride with a public transport as where my other kids go. My daughter says she doesn't really want to go to this sport for a petty reason, but I make her (the reason is petty; she is good at this sport; she needs exercise). But then she won't go there alone! We have to take her and pick her up. When I was pregnant I would often uber her there while leaving my younger kids with the cleaner at home (on gadgets).
Now it is really difficult. I had told her in advance, she would have to ride there by herself. She said okay.
Important info: It is not easy to find a sport with a good location and good times in our area. I looked for a long time and couldn't find much.

Another disclaimer: it is absolutely normal for kids in our place to take public transport. It is safe.

Important info 2: the last couple of days were rough for me and baby. We had some medical treatments done to us plus afterwards she cried a lot in public and I had to shlep home and was exhausted. I felt it was unfair to baby (and me) to repeat this experience on the same day. The baby was clingy and whiny for the rest of the day, I hardly had a second to eat and didn't pee all day long.

So today after school she asked (!) What she should do and I said, go straight to sport. She said no. I said, I won't be able to take you from home, we are tired. She mumbled smth, kind of okay. Then there was a silence and I told her to go home.
She came home and then expected me to take her to the practice. I said no, and that I had told her no on the phone. She claimed she hadnt heard it on the phone. Anyway. She refused again to go by herself. I decided to try and get ready and accompany her. When I was nursing the baby started to calm down and fall asleep and I felt that it's too much. I won't shlep outside now just because she wants me to, while 2 other kids peacefully left for their practice and four other people have to suffer to make her wish come true (me, baby, two younger kids with no attention from me).
I told her just that and after some arguing she left for her practice alone. On the way she started calling me and asking directions (even though we have gone this way before). I looked at the clock and she was awfully late anyway. I was so tired by this arguing, and anticipated more calls for more directions, and her possibly getting lost, that I just told her she was running late and she is free to do whatever.

Then I just broke out crying. I am just so tired from all the arguing and trying to accomodate her while IN FACT there is no problem at all. She can suck it up and just go there by herself. But no. She will drive me nuts first before agreeing and then will in effect sabotage it by being too late.
She is never happy. If it were up to her, she would be eating candy and watching videos all day long.
I cannot plan her bas mitzva (we haven't celebrated yet) because - you guessed it - there is no activities that she likes. She knows exactly what she doesn't want (everything I suggest) and there is one thing that she would begrudgingly accept. But I won't spend time, effort and money to arrange something she only tolerates and doesn't love.

More disclaimers: she won't go to a psychologist to address this discomfort in transport because she used to go to one and didn't like it.
She does home workouts sometimes but does them completely wrong and won't accept any feedback. So they are useless.

So what am I - a pushover or a tyran? And what is she - a victim or a brat?

So far I am just proud I ranted to dh and didn't tell her that I hate her.


You need to discuss all this with a therapist, this is too much to handle on your own. Where’s your dh in all this?
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English3




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 2:10 pm
You're not a pushover or a tyrant. It seems like she needs some boundaries in place. Learn to become more assertive. And not to micromanage. Just tell her in a no nonsense voice and then let go.
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amother




Lilac
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 2:12 pm
There are two different issues at play here. One is her lack of desire to actually do anything (which plays into being overweight and not eating correctly) and the other is her behavior towards you.

Her behavior is a desperate cry for attention but the attention she is getting is making her more desperate not satisfied.
You need to remember that you have to parent - that is your job, but the results are not up to you. They are up to her. Suggest that she goes to sport and then walk off. Don't take responsibility for the results.

Then you need to find something that you both enjoy doing that you can do together with no pressure. She needs to look forward to attention for doing well not attention for being a nuisance.

Editing to add: This is not your fault! You're not a bad mom. You're overwhelmed and facing a child whose behavior is hard for you to understand. Have rachmanus on yourself and let yourself feel how hard it is. It is hard. And no one should ever tell you that you are making her behave this way.
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tichellady




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 2:19 pm
Hugs. Sounds like a lot to deal with. I will just say that I hated exercise as a kid, my mom pushed me a lot, I hated it, we fought, and now that I’m an adult I do exercise. I had to want it on my own. Try to envision her as an adult who is doing just fine in life. She’s only a young girl. It’s a very hard age. I remember how much I hated everything at that age. You just had a baby and need to go easy on yourself. Maybe just tell her you love her and try to start over with her. It will be ok
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amother




Brown
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 2:22 pm
Teens are hard. You will get through this - both of you! Spoken as a mother of two 20+ years old and two teenagers. This is the time they test limits, but really they are still kids and they want and need your love and attention.

Regarding the sport, I can't tell if she actually wants to go and enjoys it. If not, let go and don't force her! There is no point in making her do something she doesn't want to do at this age. I wouldn't let her watch videos during that time, but I also wouldn't make her go. She is old enough to come up with other activities that she likes, or maybe she just wants to relax after a long day at school and there is nothing wrong with that.
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amother




Smokey
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 2:35 pm
I think that she needs to feel like you are more on her side; that you hear her, get her, and want her to be happy.

I am sensing that you have a lot on your plate and know how things should be done, and truly want the best for her. And yes, this is your rant and I am not there, but I am not feeling the affection for this child. I don’t need to but does she? Does she feel like you guys are a team and you have her back? I feel my teen girls are much more amenable where they don’t feel like they are fighting against me, but rather we are fighting against something together.
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amother




Valerian
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 2:44 pm
Maybe there's a valid reason she doesn't want to go. A mean girl or teacher? Something embarrassing to her about the class? Maybe her stomach hurts on the way there and she'd rather be home with bathroom access?

Just throwing it out there, my brother has a friend (now grown obviously) who is estranged from his parents and cut them out of his life. As a kid, his mother signed him up for an extracurricular activity where unbeknownst to her, he was being s*xually abused. He told my brother he'd beg not to go and his mother forced him to go anyway. Of course it wasn't her fault he was abused but he can't get past it, that she refused to listen to his begging to not go and never even asked why he hated going.

I'm not saying this is happening to your child, but she may have a very valid reason why she doesn't want to go. You'll never know if you don't ask.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 3:00 pm
amother [ Smokey ] wrote:
I think that she needs to feel like you are more on her side; that you hear her, get her, and want her to be happy.

I am sensing that you have a lot on your plate and know how things should be done, and truly want the best for her. And yes, this is your rant and I am not there, but I am not feeling the affection for this child. I don’t need to but does she? Does she feel like you guys are a team and you have her back? I feel my teen girls are much more amenable where they don’t feel like they are fighting against me, but rather we are fighting against something together.


I am not feeling any affection right now.
I think we are a team when it comes to the baby or house: I got one thing right in life in regards to her, and that was having a baby when she wanted us to have one, so she helps out a lot, holds the baby etc. She likes to help cook and set the table, decorate etc.

I agree she wants attention and manipulates me into getting it.
I realize it and that's why I played along for so long. Now I've just had enough because guess what, other kids get no attention either. So Ibputy foot down. Bit because I was already crying alone with the baby in my bedroom noone got any more attention than usual from me.
In the end she went home because I said she was free to do anything. She kept talking to me as if nothing had happened. In the end I couldn't help coming to her and asking, why she cannot just go to her practice without refusing and arguing first, at least one time.

She acted like she didn't know what I was talking about and she already "liked it, it changed in the meanwhile but she never told me". So it turns out she already likes the sport enough to keep going (but doesn't LOVE it; she just tolerates it) and she just didn't know the directions (but only told me that when I had kicked her out and it was too late). I have pointed out the incongruities so I wasn't buying it. But I am also not up to giving any more attention to her, I am so fed up.

I don't know how to move on.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 3:08 pm
amother [ Valerian ] wrote:
Maybe there's a valid reason she doesn't want to go. A mean girl or teacher? Something embarrassing to her about the class? Maybe her stomach hurts on the way there and she'd rather be home with bathroom access?

Just throwing it out there, my brother has a friend (now grown obviously) who is estranged from his parents and cut them out of his life. As a kid, his mother signed him up for an extracurricular activity where unbeknownst to her, he was being s*xually abused. He told my brother he'd beg not to go and his mother forced him to go anyway. Of course it wasn't her fault he was abused but he can't get past it, that she refused to listen to his begging to not go and never even asked why he hated going.

I'm not saying this is happening to your child, but she may have a very valid reason why she doesn't want to go. You'll never know if you don't ask.


So I asked her why not (one girl was mean once) and I also was at games and saw that she shmoozes with the girls. I kept asking bit nothing came out. The transport I already addressed and wanted to take her to a therapist.

I also suggested her to google sports in our area and find lessons with suitable times and locations. She never did but started to "like" it.

I also offered to go to the same course the other kids are taking (it is mixed but whatever; hers is girls only); she used to want to, now she doesn't want. I arranged for her to try it on Monday, she was too lazy.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 3:17 pm
English3 wrote:
You're not a pushover or a tyrant. It seems like she needs some boundaries in place. Learn to become more assertive. And not to micromanage. Just tell her in a no nonsense voice and then let go.


Can you show me where I micromanage?

Not arguing, just trying to understand. Maybe I am so distraught that I don't recognize it.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 3:19 pm
amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:
You need to discuss all this with a therapist, this is too much to handle on your own. Where’s your dh in all this?


He is at work and then was supposed to pick her up.
He is fine giving her attention I think. It is only me who feels like she sucks me dry.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 3:22 pm
I'm wondering if this is a post-partum issue (you are mentioning a new baby). In general, if a mother says they are struggling with their feelings toward a child (you mention lack of affection, even hate) I would recommend therapy to work these things out. Kids pick up on how we feel toward them, and this can color all their interactions with us. What she needs is a starting point of love and acceptance, and if she isn't feeling that, her interactions with you will reflect your feelings.

In your case, I'm wondering if what you need is just more help with your kids and more rest. Is this an issue that existed before the baby already, or is it new and since then? Where is your DH in all of this, since the baby?
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 3:38 pm
Chayalle wrote:
I'm wondering if this is a post-partum issue (you are mentioning a new baby). In general, if a mother says they are struggling with their feelings toward a child (you mention lack of affection, even hate) I would recommend therapy to work these things out. Kids pick up on how we feel toward them, and this can color all their interactions with us. What she needs is a starting point of love and acceptance, and if she isn't feeling that, her interactions with you will reflect your feelings.

In your case, I'm wondering if what you need is just more help with your kids and more rest. Is this an issue that existed before the baby already, or is it new and since then? Where is your DH in all of this, since the baby?


No.
It has always been like this.
Most of the time I do all the right things but sometimes I just have no koach. Like today.

In fact it's been a very long time since I felt so inedaquate. Mostly because I tried my best to give in to her.
I need to go to therapy I guess. But it won't help me today or next week.
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amother




Valerian
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 3:59 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So I asked her why not (one girl was mean once) and I also was at games and saw that she shmoozes with the girls. I kept asking bit nothing came out. The transport I already addressed and wanted to take her to a therapist.

I also suggested her to google sports in our area and find lessons with suitable times and locations. She never did but started to "like" it.

I also offered to go to the same course the other kids are taking (it is mixed but whatever; hers is girls only); she used to want to, now she doesn't want. I arranged for her to try it on Monday, she was too lazy.

Some people just don't like organized sports or extra curricular lessons. I wouldn't label them as lazy. It's a personality thing.
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amother




Lilac
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 4:07 pm
You want to move forward.

Try the following: make more noise about positive behavior than negative behavior. So when she helps you, make a huge deal out of it. When she makes issues, ignore her. Compliment her whenever possible.

The next important thing is not to get drawn in. Her being sad or not wanting to do things is nothing to do with you. Her being lazy is not your fault. Focus on seeing her from outside you not as part of yourself.

There are a couple of worrying comments you made: you had a baby because she wanted one? That's not right. It's going way too far. She shouldn't have been a cheshbon in that decision.

Also, things are smoother because you give in. That's not right. Children need their parents to set boundaries. When you set clear boundaries, she'll be happier. She might scream at the beginning but she'll be calmer. Choose two specific rules that you are going to insist on. And don't ever give in on those rules. She needs to feel that you are strong. She is pushing and pushing to see how far she can push. If you stand firm, she'll stop pushing. It might take time until she realizes that you've changed but it will come.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 4:11 pm
amother [ Lilac ] wrote:
You want to move forward.

Try the following: make more noise about positive behavior than negative behavior. So when she helps you, make a huge deal out of it. When she makes issues, ignore her. Compliment her whenever possible.

The next important thing is not to get drawn in. Her being sad or not wanting to do things is nothing to do with you. Her being lazy is not your fault. Focus on seeing her from outside you not as part of yourself.

There are a couple of worrying comments you made: you had a baby because she wanted one? That's not right. It's going way too far. She shouldn't have been a cheshbon in that decision.

Also, things are smoother because you give in. That's not right. Children need their parents to set boundaries. When you set clear boundaries, she'll be happier. She might scream at the beginning but she'll be calmer. Choose two specific rules that you are going to insist on. And don't ever give in on those rules. She needs to feel that you are strong. She is pushing and pushing to see how far she can push. If you stand firm, she'll stop pushing. It might take time until she realizes that you've changed but it will come.


I had a baby because we wanted one, but I knew she also really wanted us to have one too.
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