How can I teach myself to be more patient with my kids?

amother

Mon, Feb 07 2022, 11:24 pm

My kids are ages 4, 2 and a baby.
I get so frustrated and tense from taking care of them when they aren't cooperative. Just typical age appropriate behavior, like for example if I tell the 4 year old to come get in pajamas and she ignores me over and over and makes every excuse under the sun not to come, and meanwhile I'm holding a kvetchy baby who is waiting to be fed and trying to get the 2 year old ready, etc. After a little while I find myself resorting to bribing, then threatening that if they don't cooperate then I'll get upset and they don't want me to be upset, and pretty soon I'm yelling "why can't you just listen and get ready for bed"

I don't totally blame myself, because I'm with my kids all day (homeschooling because we're shluchim and no Jewish school where I live) and also do a lot of work at the same time so it's a lot to manage, but I still hate myself for acting like this and feel so guilty, like I should be the mature one here, and they're acting normal, but it's so hard to stay calm! By the end of the evening I often feel like the right thing would be to just give up my kids- they don't deserve a mother who yells at them.

Help!
Any tips on how to stay calm?

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Feb 07 2022, 11:30 pm

I just want to give a genuine hug and say I’m in awe of what you do and how hard you work. It’s very difficult especially with kids your kids ages, while being a shlucha and homeschooling!
I try to take it one minute at a time and work on being present and patient that minute. And if you fail, don’t give up! There’s always the next minute. Don’t let any times if impatience define you and keep working on it. Also I apologize to my kids and talk about it with them.

#BestBubby

Mon, Feb 07 2022, 11:38 pm

This is tough, OP.

I think you should be pro-active and come up with a behavior bed-time plan for DD, 4.

Maybe a bedtime chart with a weekly prize.

Or a Kitchen Timer and if she "beats the clock" by getting in PJs before the timer gets
off she gets a treat.

(It could just be a chocolate chip or jelly bean. Kids that age are satisfied with little.)

amother

Burntblack

Mon, Feb 07 2022, 11:44 pm

In a similar situation myself.

(BTW if you're able to make US time zones, there is an online Gan option for your 4yo, albeit only for under an hour a day.)

Give yourself time. Patience is a muscle. Every time you postpone the yelling for another second or two, you're building that muscle.

It is a good idea to look for some proactive solutions so you don't have these situations all the time. Like stop trying to get everyone ready at once. Do it one at a time. Or to make unconventional decisions like, "We put on pajamas because they're more comfortable for sleeping. I'll help you if you come now. If not, you can sleep in your clothes, but that's not as comfortable."

I'm a much calmer parent now after a lot of years of losing it. I still lose it, but it's not nearly as often. How? Just practice, trying to make situations less stressful, realizing that if the kids are going to be crying anyone it's better if I go take a long bathroom break with them crying than to have them cry because I screamed at them...

Hashem gave you your kids, and your kids chose you. You're 100% the right parent for them. They're helping you grow into a better person by stretching your limits and having you build a stronger tolerance for chaos.

Just stop expecting yourself to be perfect already. Those calm mothers of 12 that you see were probably not calm mothers of 3. They grew into it. Like you will.

Hatzlacha!

amother

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 12:08 am

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

Thank you so much!
I think I can be patient for a minute. Wink

And then another and another... I'll have to try that.

amother

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 12:10 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Thank you for your suggestions. I like the beat the clock idea.

Regarding getting help, I actually do have some help. But still not enough time to catch my breath and be calm and ready to handle the frustrating behavior.

amother

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 12:14 am

amother [ Burntblack ] wrote:

Thanks!
I'm curious what online Gan option you're referring to. Do you mind sharing a drop more info about that?
Good point about if they're going to cry better to have it be because I took a breather than because I yelled.
And also good point that the perfect mothers of 12 didn't start that way... If it's actually true.

amother

Mayflower

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 12:18 am

Ugh I am so there with you.
The only thing that really works half the time is pretending I don’t care. Ex: 2 year old is running away from me when I wanted to put her pjs in “oh well, no pjs tonight”- she got super upset and came back. My older one doesn’t even sleep in pjs. And that is something that I do not feel is important to fuss over.
Pick your battles. Pretend not to care so much about the rest. I feel like the more upset and worked up I get the harder it is to get anyone to listen and do what I want them to do.

amother

Burntblack

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 12:20 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The Nigri Shluchim Online School has a Gan option for 4 year olds. (https://www.nigrijewishonlineschool.com/shluchim) This year there was a 10:30 am, 12:30 pm, and 1:30 pm (all EST) option, for an hour each, Monday through Thursday. They are mixed (boys and girls) and don't teach all that much but my kids have loved it. The teachers for that age group tend to be very sweet and very warm and enthusiastic.

I'm not a perfect mother, but I am a double digit mother KA"H, and I am a vastly more patient mother now than I was with only a few kids.

amother

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 12:42 am

amother [ Burntblack ] wrote:

Interesting, I didn't know they have an option for 4 year olds! Thanks for letting me know about it.

amother

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 12:51 am

Zehava wrote:

That’s a lot to juggle! Can you get a nanny at least part time?

I have one bH.
She helps a lot, and I'm grateful for it. But there's so much to do that it's still super busy. She cleans the house while I do homeschooling (baby naps then) and then there are a couple hours when she plays with the baby and 4 year old while I put 2 year old to sleep for a nap, feed baby, pump milk, prepare supper, prepare for my afternoon classes that I teach and grab a quick bite if I have time, and this time includes the nanny's lunch break so I have my kids for part of it, and then I go to teach and she stays with my kids (they do join some of my classes) and then I come home and the nanny leaves and it's supper and bedtime, then there are Mikva appointments (I'm the attendant) and classes to prepare, etc.
So that's why even with the nanny it's still a lot going on and a lot of stress, and plenty of times while I'm in a rush the kids (mainly the 4 year old) decides to stick to me like glue, and I get so frustrated and also feel bad for her that im not available...

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 1:04 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Where is DH?!? Can he clear his schedule to at least help you with bedtime?

amother

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 1:19 am

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

Where is DH?!? Can he clear his schedule to at least help you with bedtime?

He helps some, more on the weekends when the nanny doesn't come, but is also pretty busy. But it's more random, when he's available. Like he'll say "I'm going out to put up a mezuza for someone, I can take the kids along", and he'll take his time so they're out for a couple hours. It's helpful, but not something I can count on regularly.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 8:42 am

I have a friend with 10 kids. I asked her once "How do you manage all of it?" and she laughed and said "Who says I'm managing?"

Something that helped me not yell when DD was little, was to imagine that I was that age again. What would make me mad, or sad, or frustrated? 99% of the time, it was a communication problem.

Take a deep breath. Lower your voice a bit, and talk even softer than usual. Kids will automatically lean in to hear you better. When you yell, kids automatically tune you out, and then there is no more communication. You may be screaming inside, but outside you have to be as calm and cool as a cucumber.

Remember, your kids get their emotional cues from you. If you behave a certain way, they are going to copy you. By changing the way you react, you can change the way your kids interact with you. They won't change overnight, but eventually you will find that the tone of the house will be more peaceful.

I'll never forget when 4yo DD stamped her little foot and said "I hate you, you're ruining my life!" I had to try so hard not to laugh, and at the same time not to take it personally (to this day I don't remember what she was mad about. She may have wanted a cookie before dinner.) I told her, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I still love you, even when you get mad at me." She didn't quite know what to do with that. She was all geared up for a 2 hour tantrum, and I just stopped it in it's tracks.

amother

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 9:50 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Thank you for replying, I know you're right, especially with the part you underlined. This is why I need to work in becoming more patient.

jewishmom6

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 10:03 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

First of all, you are in a super tough situation. I wouldn't manage being home all day with my kids.

re the bolded. She is trying to connect to you.

Also, I want to suggest that when you need your kids to do something (pajamas, baths, dressed)
if they are playing I would tell them how much more time they have until bath time (or can do timer)...they need advance notice.
then when it's time I would say ok everyone come and I would physically take them and undress them or help them get undressed.

I am not sure if its me or not but I feel like my kids are lazier and less independent with getting dressed and undressed. for me thats the only way it works on getting the night moving when I help them along....

thats my personal take instead of resorting to yelling.

it works so much better that yelling out instructions. they just wont listen like that.