Clothing for seminary

eschaya

Sun, Apr 03 2022, 10:16 am

My daughter is going to seminary, and her "needs" are starting to sound ridiculous! How much clothing does a girl actually need, especially if she is essentially wearing a uniform 6 days a week? We live out of town, and my daughter is understandably worried about fitting in. We are not a materialistic family and don't align with the frum in-town materialistic culture. I don't want to harm her by making her the neb of the group, but at the same time, her ideas of what she thinks she needs are sounding crazy.
We plan on giving her a set amount of money and then letting her buy whatever she thinks she needs, and then of course she can use her own money to supplement. Trying to find a ballpark range though

amother

Indigo

Sun, Apr 03 2022, 10:30 am

I'm probably not the best person to answer because my dd has very few needs. But she didn't want to get a lot of new clothing. She told me everyone says that clothing gets ruined and so it's stupid to buy a lot of new clothes. She did buy a few new things, but it was shein and asos, we didn't spend a lot on any of it.

Before pesach she went shopping in Israel and bought herself a new outfit because she really felt she needed it.

Remind your dd that you're limited because the suitcases cant weigh too much.

Ironically we live in Lakewood and my dd isn't materialistic at all.

eschaya

Sun, Apr 03 2022, 10:23 pm

Thank you all. She's going to the same seminary that I did (BJJ) which was not materialistic at the time, but she tells me that from her discussions with recent students there, it has changed and that she needs a lot more than she has.
I'm kind of disheartened at this point. To me, sending a daughter to seminary is a huge expense, but it's something we do because we hope that it will instill in our girls a passion for yiddishkeit and Torah-true values. But then this focus on clothes and materialism, and the idea that a girl will only be appreciated if she looks exactly like everyone else by spending lots of money... this seems like we are teaching rather the opposite.

amother

Poppy

Sun, Apr 03 2022, 10:53 pm

She should speak to girls from her school that are there now. She should ask them directly about everything.
My daughter is in BJJ now. That’s what she did.
I don’t think she went overboard at all with shopping, but I don’t know you so I can’t compare if my sense of not overdoing it is the same as yours.
I might be able to guide you a little more about the needs specious BJJ if you have specific questions

amother

Topaz

Sun, Apr 03 2022, 11:05 pm

eschaya wrote:

My daughter is in BJJ this year. It seems about half the seminary is pretty fancy and materialistic, but the other half is not. My daughter is among the not-fancy girls (although one of her roommates is in the other group). I think it is a good learning experience on how to deal with those who have different values and how to find your place and be comfortable with who you are instead of trying to compete with others on things that are not (or should not be) important to you.

My daughter went to a similar type of high school, and she was voted G.O. by her classmates despite not owning designer clothes/jewelry, etc. It taught her a good lesson that attitude and personality trump, clothes, jewelry, possessions, etc. This year, she is still very popular among the students, despite not having the expansive wardrobe and designer possessions and watching her budget (she earned all her own spending money). Point is - that it is not true (or doesn’t have to be) that “ a girl will only be appreciated if she looks exactly like everyone else by spending lots of money...”

My advice is to sit down with her and come up with what you think is a reasonable budget for clothes and let her supplement from her own money if she thinks it’s important (and you don’t). Then chalk it up to a good learning experience.

amother

Poppy

Mon, Apr 04 2022, 1:32 am

amother [ Topaz ] wrote:

My daughter is in BJJ this year. It seems about half the seminary is pretty fancy and materialistic (mostly the Lakewood girls) but the other half is not. My daughter is among the not-fancy girls (although one of her roommates is in the other group). I think it is a good learning experience on how to deal with those who have different values and how to find your place and be comfortable with who you are instead of trying to compete with others on things that are not (or should not be) important to you.

My daughter went to a similar type of high school, and she was voted G.O. by her classmates despite not owning designer clothes/jewelry, etc. It taught her a good lesson that attitude and personality trump, clothes, jewelry, possessions, etc. This year, she is still very popular among the students, despite not having the expansive wardrobe and designer possessions and watching her budget (she earned all her own spending money). Point is - that it is not true (or doesn’t have to be) that “ a girl will only be appreciated if she looks exactly like everyone else by spending lots of money...”

My advice is to sit down with her and come up with what you think is a reasonable budget for clothes and let her supplement from her own money if she thinks it’s important (and you don’t). Then chalk it up to a good learning experience.

So funny. I’m clueless if my daughter thinks the school is materialistic or not and if shes “fancy” or not.
It’s just not a discussion we’ve ever had. She doesn’t notice or talk about it.
I’ve bought her some designer things, and some not. We buy what we like and some of it is designer. We just don’t talk about it.
I’ve sent a few girls. We never discussed with any of them

amother

Topaz

Mon, Apr 04 2022, 7:18 am

amother [ Poppy ] wrote:

Which school is she in? (It’s more of an issue in some schools than in others.)

gumby

Mon, Apr 04 2022, 7:37 am

Sometimes parents have to adjust their expectations also. Just because you don’t value fashion or fitting in doesn’t mean your daughter doesn’t or is wrong for wanting to have the right clothing to fit in. You know your daughter - if she is generally sensible then explain to her how small her personal space is in seminary and let her buy some items that will allow her to fit in. These items don’t need to be big ticket expensive items but if all the girls are wearing one type of skirt and she comes without it, it might make her feel self conscious. Be understanding that fitting in is not the same as being materialistic. Explain to her also that while you do not believe clothing make the man, you are glad for her to get a few of the in style items to help her adjust and not stick out like a sore thumb and remind her that there will be lots of girls who don’t have every item that’s in.

eschaya

Mon, Apr 04 2022, 10:03 pm

Thank you all; I know that I have to move outside of my personal frugality and recognize that my daughter may be different than I am. We are also giving her a budget, and anything above that she will be supplementing with money that she has earned.

Just one real practical question, and this is really just to open my mind... my daughter found a list on Between Carpools, and is basing her list off that one. Does a girl REALLY need
10 black sweaters
5 black t-shirts
in addition to her shabbos clothes, uniforms, shirts, etc? Forget about brand names, or expenses. Why on earth would someone need 10 of the same color sweater? Or is it just me and my old-fashioned, out-of-town practicalities?

amother

Poppy

Mon, Apr 04 2022, 10:22 pm

eschaya wrote:

Again, have her call a few friends from her school that are in BJJ now. Ask all these questions.
My daughter had sisters who went and she still called because she wanted to hear from the last year girls as well.
Let her ask.
Btw I bought my daughter some new skirts but I’m pretty sure she got some from friends too.
I think that’s what they all do, pass them around. I wanted her to buy some new, so she would feel good, but I know the girls get some from each other.
My last daughter even had extra that she left behind.
I don’t think it’s really a ton of shopping. My girls are pretty independent so they did it themselves, but it’s very basic stuff.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Apr 04 2022, 10:23 pm

eschaya wrote:

I have a daughter in a black sweater wearing seminary this year. I would say those lists are a little exaggerated. There is really no way to fit all that stuff into 2 or really even 3 suitcases. Just start weighing shoes and you’ll see what I mean!

I think my daughter took 4 uniform skirts and probably around 8 black sweaters of different weights. I think what she needs depends on what she wears. Wouldn’t be caught outside of seminary in a uniform skirt? Bring one less uniform skirt and an extra weekday skirt. Hate button down shirts? Bring only one or 2, a few collars and an extra sweater. Shabbos? Bring some mix and match, you’re going to get sick of those 4 dresses otherwise.

In addition to the shopping frenzy for Seminary, I remind my girls that we haven’t found the money tree yet. I know they will want to come home and never wear their Seminary clothes again so they need to not go overboard. Also, bH you can get everything you need in Israel. Really wish you had another skirt? Go buy one!

Have her talk to girls who are there this year and talk to a mom or 2 who have sent if you know anyone. It’s helpful.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Apr 04 2022, 10:39 pm

Just something to keep in mind, when I was in seminary I found it really stressful that we never went clothes shopping so you're wearing the same 10 shirts for a year. We didn't have uniform, just a dress code. But I was happy I had the foresight to bring some new things that I put away to take out new a few months into seminary just to have some variety.

amother

Indigo

Mon, Apr 04 2022, 11:00 pm

eschaya wrote:

My dd took about 6/7 black sweaters. Most were passed down from girls who were in seminary the year before. It seems like this is normal, her friends were doing the same things. In my dds seminary they wear the sweater as part of the uniform and they can only wear black.

She also took some button down shirts from friends. A lot of girls wear the dickie button down shirts. My dd found some cheap regular button downs in Old Navy and cut off the bottoms.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Apr 04 2022, 11:05 pm

I would say it's not about the amount of clothes, it's about having the right clothes. I'm from oot and had NO idea what I was supposed to look like. I didn't have to wear only black sweaters so I got many colored ones. Nobody told me they all should be crew neck! I had so many v necks I never wore. I for sure made more "mistakes" like that.

If she is really out of towny have her speak to someone.with it who was in seminary last year who can guide her. I wish I had that!

amother

Topaz

Tue, Apr 05 2022, 12:18 am

eschaya wrote:

Girls want a lot, so that they don’t have to do laundry that often.