Why do people judge working mothers?

amother

Cherry

Tue, May 10 2022, 2:16 pm

amother [ Mayflower ] wrote:

My mother didn't work and we were neglected. She was rarely home when we came home, she didn't take care of the house, we didn't have supper till late or one of us (as young pre-teens) put it up.....we learned to fend for ourselves.

Why the judgement on working mothers? How about just judging mothers who are neglectful of their kids, for whatever reason?

Maybe had my mother worked, I couldn've at least had a few basic things that everyone else seemed to have....

signed,

a working mom who is home when her kids get home, takes care of the house, and sees to their needs.

I did not say that there are SAHM that don't neglect their kids. But all the scenarios I described are what I see going on on a daily basis in the families where mom works. This is the official arrangement.

amother

Crimson

Tue, May 10 2022, 2:17 pm

HonesttoGod wrote:

Honestly I think the judgment comes from those that work the golden hours 10-2.
There are a lot of them in the tri state area especially.

So anyone who stays home all day obviously is bored and doesn’t need the $ and anyone who works full time is crazy because their kids must struggle and be lonely and neglected bla bla.

But realistically many people can’t work those golden hours so yes we have to make a choice which way to make it work.

This comment was totally ignored but I think it's probably the most true comment here. I work just beyond these "golden hours" and still have to pay for extra babysitting with a pretty flexible job. I might be projecting but I feel super judged at work cuz most ppl have these hours and I "choose" to stay later and am really open about quick and easy hacks while everyone else puts on the show of perfectly run household.

Also as a side, really really majority of working women don't neglect their children and leave them at home alone from the age of 3. We will turn the world upside down to find any form of childcare.

amother

Mayflower

Tue, May 10 2022, 2:18 pm

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

I don't judge working mothers. I judge working mothers that their kids end up paying the price for it. I judge the working mother that comes home 20 minutes after her 3 year old and the 3 year old sits outside the door every single day, in every single weather and cries till her mother comes home. I judge the working mother that leaves a toddler and baby alone in the house every morning because she needs to leave and her husband will be home in 10-15 minutes. I judge the working mother that the 9 year old babysits her 3 younger siblings for an hour till mom comes home. I judge the working mother that gives cereal and noodle soup for dinner every night. I judge the working mother that leaves way before her kids do and young kids need to let themselves out the door every morning. I judge the working mother the misses her childs performances because she's working. (All those are true scenarios.)
If a mother puts work before her family, then she needs to rethink her choices. I know many women that work not because they must, but because they need the outlet and can't be home. That's ok IF the family doesn't end up paying the price.
(Btw, I feel plenty judged as a SAHM)

I have known SAHM who do these things. This is not about being a working mother. This is about NEGLECT.

amother

Mayflower

Tue, May 10 2022, 2:22 pm

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

Yes and no. If the mother wouldn't be running to work in the morning, a toddler and baby wouldn't be left alone in the house every morning till dad comes home 15 minutes later. If the mom wouldn't be at work, then the nursery kid wouldn't stand outside crying every single day till mom comes home. If mom wouldn't be working, then the 9 year old wouldn't be babysitting 3 younger siblings every day for an hour till mom comes home. Yes, SAHM may also not be home for the bus once in a blue moon, but this isn't the official schedule on a daily basis.

How about a SAHM who likes to do errands without babies in tow, so she leaves todller and baby alone in the morning to do them. How about the many times I came home and waited outside till she got home from wherever. Or let myself in when I was a little older and had a key. How about the time my parents went to a wedding and left me babysitting at age 9, including a newborn.

Honestly this is about neglect. Working mothers aren't more neglectful than SAHM. Just there are all types of mothers who NEGLECT.

amother

Mayflower

Tue, May 10 2022, 2:24 pm

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

But all moms that I see and know that do this are working moms. So maybe for them, it is about them working.

Or because they think it's acceptable.

I know a mother of a large family who goes to the local supermarket, parks her baby and toddler in a wagon in the entrance, and goes in and does her shopping, then collects her kids on the way out. They can sit there for 20 minutes on their own.

How about the people who park their kids in strollers outside of shops and leave them there. It's part of their official routine. What do you say about them?

I would say start putting your family first and stop shopping.

Cloud9

Tue, May 10 2022, 2:25 pm

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

[quote]

Sounds like you are judging a lot of mothers who are operating in survival mode and are struggling to the max. Women who need help, not judgment.

imaima

Tue, May 10 2022, 2:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I see this so often on here and IRL that there's a certain.... attitude? Judgment? towards working mothers.

I'm a full time working mother and I drop the ball sometimes, but guess what? If I didn't work I would drop the ball in not being able to pay bills, tuition....

I feel the judgment all the time. Someone at work actually asked me recently (it was a man) - why are you doing this? Not sure how to say this - for the money? Same as you.

Are people really that clueless that they think that everyone can just manage fine on one salary?

People judge all mothers!
No news there

amother

Cherry

Tue, May 10 2022, 2:31 pm

[quote="Cloud9"]

Quote:

Sounds like you are judging a lot of mothers who are operating in survival mode and are struggling to the max. Women who need help, not judgment.

I agree they need help. But they refused the help when offered. They don't think it's that big of a deal. What does leaving babies alone at home have to do with struggling & survival mode? What's so hard to ask a neighbor to take the kid off the bus for 15 minutes? There are plenty neighbors around that will gladly do it. But mom refuses any offers of help.

amother

Cherry

Tue, May 10 2022, 2:33 pm

amother [ Mayflower ] wrote:

All of those are unacceptable and I don't understand how in some communities this is such accepted practice.

amother

Mayflower

Tue, May 10 2022, 2:36 pm

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

All of those are unacceptable and I don't understand how in some communities this is such accepted practice.

I agree. So it's people who condone neglect, and it's not about working vs. SAHM.

I would never leave my kid outside a store. And I won't let them babysit till in their teens. I'm home when they come home and I take sick days when they are sick. And I work a job that allows me to attend their school plays.

imorethanamother

Tue, May 10 2022, 2:56 pm

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

You know, in theory I really agree with you. I understand what you’re saying. But.

As a working mom, I’ve had to ask favors in my time. And what I’ve come to understand that favors have strings attached. Always.

In this thread is a woman resentful that she’s feeding an emotionally neglected child. She’s upset the mother isn’t thanking her. Maybe there’s a way to do that, but I wonder whether the mother is ashamed that their child prefers another household, and how do you express gratitude when it means you’re admitting that you’re not a good enough parent? That’s a hard thing to admit to someone else out loud, so the alternative is to avoid the person.

So sure, neighbors are “thrilled” to help with taking off the bus. But then it turns to resentment. The working mom isn’t grateful enough. She should offer to compensate my favor by driving my children somewhere. Why didn’t I get a gift by Chanukah? Etc.

As for me, I hate taking favors from other people when I can’t reciprocate. Maybe that means one of my children don’t get an optimal situation, but it also means we learn not to rely on the kindness of strangers.

Heyaaa

Tue, May 10 2022, 2:58 pm

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

I don't think that your conclusion is correct. A person who thinks that it's okay to leave toddlers alone for 15 minutes at home would think the same way even if she didn't work. Just she would do it to "get a few things at the grocery" or clean her car.

amother

Cherry

Tue, May 10 2022, 3:07 pm

amother [ Eggshell ] wrote:

all I can say is if you see a 3 year old crying alone outside the door every day, stop judging and bring the child inside and take care of her....

I don't think we should take kids into our home against their parents wishes.
Several neighbors offered to take the child, the mom refused the offers.
It's the time when many mom's are out waiting for busses, so whoever is out always makes sure to keep an eye on the kid.

amother

Mocha

Tue, May 10 2022, 3:09 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

So true. Just look at the countless threads on imamother about how women "cant be expected" to help out neighbors, detest waiting at the bus stop for another family, feel resentful about carpool... "just because I don't work they cant expect me to be there every day and do X for them. They dont offer to pay (or dont pay enough), dont give RH gift and MM and a Chanukah gift and a end of year gift..."

So find me the amazing neighbor who will do it all, with a smile and zero resentment. Because I will move next door. Of course I wouldnt leave a 3 year old alone but it would be so nice to have someone always willing and able to help in case I am running late/stuck in traffic and will be late for pickup . Because there are all these judgy moms who are so eager to help us out and could just do carpool for me/deliver a 3 course hot meal with no pizza, cereal, pasta, nuggets etc being served.

(Again, I wouldnt ever leave a 3 year old alone. I always have a backup. But dinners arent always the best. No noodle soup but sometimes kids refuse dinner so they do have cereal).

amother

Bronze

Tue, May 10 2022, 3:15 pm

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

I don't think we should take kids into our home against their parents wishes.
Several neighbors offered to take the child, the mom refused the offers.

So then sit in front of their house with them while they wait. Stop judging people because you know a NEGLECTFUL mother. Honestly as a working mother I would speak to a rav about this living situation if you really see this every day. This is NOT from working, there is an issue with the parents.

amother

Cherry

Tue, May 10 2022, 3:16 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

If someone doesn't want to ask for favors because they feel this way, they should pay someone to take their child off the bus. It's not ok to have a 3 year old waiting alone outside every day because one doesn't want to ask for favors. Most people on the block would have no problem taking a kid off the bus for 15 minutes every day.