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My daughter is bawling she says she has no friends
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 7:35 pm
My daughter is in 7th grade. She says most girls in her class are settled with friends, unfortunately she’s not and She’s devastated.
I cried along with her, I feel her pain. How could I help her? I gave her tips, guidance and encouragement but if everyone is settled how is she going to find the right friend?

She’s my only girl; I’m so lost.

Any advice ?
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amother




Seashell
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 7:42 pm
I switched schools in 8th grade for this reason. I was soooooo much happier.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 7:45 pm
Exactly my thoughts! I Told her she might benefit by changing schools. She was not so keen about it.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:02 pm
Your DD will have a fresh start in High School.

But why was this issue not addressed years ago?

Is your DD very shy or introverted?
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amother




Butterscotch
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:07 pm
Daven for her
I had the same thing with my daughter in 6-7 grade
It seems that in the older elementary school grades they need a friend for recess
My daughter is in 8th grade now. She has one good friend and they count on each other.
Sadly they will be going to different high schools next year. I’m already davening for her.
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amother




Sand
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:12 pm
This was me in 7th grade, I was miserable. I changed classes for 8th grade even though it was just for one year, but b'h was so much happier there! The school year is almost over, start talking to the principal now about changing classes for next year, provided your daughter is on board of course.

Hatzlacha!
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amother




Snowflake
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:33 pm
7th grade is when the class Dynamics change and there is tons of politics.
Your daughter is lucky not make friends one day who dump her the next day.
I was a free bird in elementary and floated around wherever I ended up.
I enjoyed the socialization without limits of who I could or couldn't talk to.

The only time I felt lonely was on a school trip when everyone was asking me to be the photographer for their cliquey pictures.
Some of them tried to be nice to include me, but I wasn't stupid and just declined.
I didn't need them to remember forever that I crashes their pictures.

This stage will pass. Most girls do not keep up with their elementary friends if the school does not have a highschool. She will find her place eventually.

Just teach her confidence to be okay with who she is right now. Confidence is what attracts people, even if she won't be in a particular group or have single best friend right now.
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amother




Stonewash
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:38 pm
It’s really hard. I struggled a lot socially in my school years. It’s painful.
BH made amazing friends in seminary and beyond.
Or rather I should say - HaShem put amazing friends into my life.
I still don’t know how to “make” friends.
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amother




Electricblue
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:55 pm
It is very painful to watch your daughter struggle socially.

There are some things that you as a mother can do. While nothing guarantees an outcome , it’s def worth a try…

- invite over some girls that she would like to be friends with and do something special ( take them out for ice cream, let them bake etc.)

- talk to her teacher and principal. They can help you see who might be a good fit for her. Not everyone belongs to a group and not every group will last forever ( and maybe not even till the end of the year)

They also might have an unbiased view and see if there’s any specific reason that your daughter is having a harder time making friends ( like hygiene, lack of tact/ social skills, running after girls that wouldn’t be interested in her etc)

A teacher or principal cal also help edge friendships together. As a teacher I’m constantly shifting seats or creating partners to work on a project etc with this in mind.

A teacher can also talk to the class about being inclusive , opening up to new friendships etc if this is a general issue, without it being specifically abt your daughter ( like part of a Pirkei avos lesson…)

- objectively weigh if your daughter is lacking in a social skills or societal norms . I had to send one of my children for help with social skills when he was constantly being taken advantage of by others. It can help build confidence and a healthy self image as well

- consider friendships outside of school. Does she have friends in the neighborhood? Cousins her age that she s friends with? Maybe that need for friendship can be filled elsewhere if it’s not happening in school

My dd is an only girl. I have an open house to her friends neighbors cousins etc. she has an extra bed in her roo. And is always allowed to invite someone for shabbos. Her friends hang out here all the time and I buy extra nosh for them and let them bake in My house too. Creating that Environment has really allowed her to develop good and close relationships .

good luck!
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amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 9:03 pm
Can you give an example of how someone helped your kid with social issues?
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amother




Electricblue
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 9:06 pm
amother [ Junglegreen ] wrote:
Can you give an example of how someone helped your kid with social issues?


Basic social skills , cues etc-

Like not changing topic mid conversation , or making eye contact , or noticing when the other person wants to move on …

Also confidence building , self esteem and self worth building etc
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amother




DarkKhaki
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 9:17 pm
7th grade is a very tough year for most girls socially. It usually gets better in 8th and 9th. Tell her to invite girls to study, invite girls for shabbos, invite after school. It’s all about how much time they spend together out of school. I’m sure there are girls that don’t have friends in her class, she can start with them or she can be courageous and see if someone she really likes is open to adding to their group of friends.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 9:50 pm
Thanks all for your replies!

I spoke to her teachers countless times. I always asked how she’s doing socially, they all said shes a smart intelligent well liked kid. I mentioned the fact that has yet to settle with a close friend and they all brushed it away saying that its normal, she will get there one day bezrat hashem.

My dd is not a loud kid, as I said shes smart and intelligent. She may lack social skills how to initiate a friendship.

A poster above mentioned therapy. Sounds like a plan.
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amother




Electricblue
 

Post Wed, May 11 2022, 4:56 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks all for your replies!

I spoke to her teachers countless times. I always asked how she’s doing socially, they all said shes a smart intelligent well liked kid. I mentioned the fact that has yet to settle with a close friend and they all brushed it away saying that its normal, she will get there one day bezrat hashem.

My dd is not a loud kid, as I said shes smart and intelligent. She may lack social skills how to initiate a friendship.

A poster above mentioned therapy. Sounds like a plan.


I’m not sure she needs therapy if this is your only concern. There are ppl that help with social skills or even books you can read to help her ( if you have that type of relationship)

Also there is a big diff bet close friends and friends at all . Many girls x have close friends , that takes time to develop .

Please don’t panic about it in front of her. This is very normal. I see many students floundering socially and they do find their places. Making it an “issue” May only make it worse
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amother




Copper
 

Post Wed, May 11 2022, 5:12 am
I sent my DD to a social skills therapist when she was in upper elementary school. the therapist had a program for initiating (like she had to call two girls whom she was targeting as friends, even if she was embarrassed and felt socially off doing so....things like that) that she followed, and she made friends. Of all my kids, she's the one with a whole social group thru high school and beyond.
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devorah1231




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 11 2022, 5:20 am
Tell her to think if a few girls she likes but isn't close to and invite them one at a time for Shabbos to visit in the afternoon. She should call to schmooze with them in between too. Then reinvite those she enjoys having over.

I don't see why you would send to therapy unless you are very well off and have extra money to spend. It may make things easier but it's very expensive and doesn't sound absolutely necessary here. Also hard to stop if you find a therapist your daughter really likes.
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dr99




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 11 2022, 5:35 am
I've noticed that starting at approx that age girls start taking their friendships past recess by yapping on the phone the whole night. She can pretend she doesn't know what's for homework one night or what material to study for a test and call a friend. She should try to extend the conversation thinking of a funny story that happened in class etc. After a few phone calls she can invite her to study together. If she practices now then hopefully she'll have the skills to make friends when she starts high school.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, May 11 2022, 7:09 am
amother [ Electricblue ] wrote:
I’m not sure she needs therapy if this is your only concern. There are ppl that help with social skills or even books you can read to help her ( if you have that type of relationship)

Also there is a big diff bet close friends and friends at all . Many girls x have close friends , that takes time to develop .

Please don’t panic about it in front of her. This is very normal. I see many students floundering socially and they do find their places. Making it an “issue” May only make it worse


She’s a well liked kid. Girls call her from time to time to ask questions but no close relationship/friend.

I’ve tried guiding her how to make friends but it obviously did not work out.

Professional help might be beneficial as she needs guidance how to emerge from her cocoon.
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amother




Calendula
 

Post Wed, May 11 2022, 8:07 am
Maybe get her interested in some sort of chesed program. I see a lot of high school girls volunteering for helping families with disabled children. It's only for a few short hours and they get a real sense of self worth.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 11 2022, 8:26 am
I think if you have tried guiding her on your own without success, it's worth looking into a social-skills therapist.

What is she doing this summer OP? Is she doing something that will get her involved with other girls her age, and is conducive to making friends? Sometimes summer plans can be a bridge to carry-over friendships in the school year.
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