I need a consequence to stop the violence.

aweinback

Tue, May 17 2022, 7:41 am

Intervening is not synonymous with taking sides. Keep your intervention neutral.
“I see your angry but we do not hurt people like that, do you want to tell me more about why you’re so upset or do you want take a timeout to think about and we will talk about it after?”
I try to teach my kids breathing techniques to calm themselves down, works for some kids not all.
But I think if you see a child of yours being physically hurt, they have the right to expect that you will protect them.
You may not think it’s a big deal, but for a child, especially if he/she is smaller than the one hurting them, it can be very scary for them. They’re not stupid, they will know if you are turning a blind eye and that is just adding insult to injury.

You can try to keep a “penalty” system where you give them an allowance each week and they have to make it up to eachother if they hurt the other but When I tried it, I ended up spending all day playing the Bookkeeper. (“He hurt me, he owes me a quarter!”- “No, I didn’t, my tzizis touched her when I walked by!”). We stopped that system pretty quickly.

Good Luck!

amother

Maize

Tue, May 17 2022, 8:54 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My children are physically aggressive with each other. Hitting, kicking, pulling hair, pinching etc.
We do not discipline them this way so I don't see what I can change in my own behavior. They get angry and triggered at each other, and no matter what I say, this continues.

I want a fair consequence that will get them to think twice. Please don't tell me about charts and prizes- I've done all that- I want something that is very defined, easy to implement, and will help them feel 'the pinch' so that they'll have the motivation to do things differently.

You need to,seek help from a professional child therapist, not imas.

amother

Whitesmoke

Tue, May 17 2022, 9:18 am

For people who use the corner, what do you do when a child won't go? The only thing I've been told is keep taking them or sit there with them. Both give that child my attention and take it from the other kid, when getting my attention was often the whole reason the kid acted put in the first place.

amother

Lime

Tue, May 17 2022, 9:22 am

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

I love that idea but my kids don't cooperate for it.

After they get up from corner they are somewhat calmer and then we do a redo, not as a punishment but as a "let's try this again."

But redos never really worked for me instead of a consequence. The kids just got mad. "Why do I have to do it again? Why should I bother? I'm not doing it again I hate _."

So corner. But with some kids it does work, just to do a redo.

Ok. I've never sent a child to the corner. It wouldn't work here. We are always doing re-dos. So maybe my kids are used to it.

behappy2

Tue, May 17 2022, 9:30 am

I know you said that you don't want to do charts or prizes but......

So my kids have been at each other's hairs for a few months now and I realized that it had become a pattern. They were both convinced that the other was anyways out to get them so why not get them first. It was a vicious cycle so I decided I had to just break it. I know they love each other but they aren't mature enough to be the first one trying to make peace. I gave my 6 year old 5 small prizes. I told her that every time she bothers her older brother I take one away. Her annoying behavior almost completely ceased. Then I told my kids that if for a few days they are good to each other I will get them a certain game that I knew they wanted.

There's been a major shift in the house. I don't know how long it will stay but it taught me that sometimes kids need help getting out of a rut.

pause

Tue, May 17 2022, 9:30 am

Of course you can't ignore it. Every child needs to feel safe in their own home, and it's your job as the parent to ensure safety for each child, both the aggressor and the victim.

As others said, teach and model communication and negotiation skills. In the beginning they will not do it because it's easier to just take out rage in a physical way. But with consistent intervention and providing a "script" for them, while explaining the goal, they will iy"H learn.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, May 17 2022, 9:42 am

amother [ Whitesmoke ] wrote:

Watch super nanny Jo Frost and her techniques. And it works!

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, May 17 2022, 9:47 am

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

Ok. I've never sent a child to the corner. It wouldn't work here. We are always doing re-dos. So maybe my kids are used to it.

You might also just have different kids than we do. Smile

A lot of this is personality.

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, May 17 2022, 9:48 am

amother [ Whitesmoke ] wrote:

Well we teach them from when they are little. But if they won't go we hold up fingers. Three, two, one, if you still refuse you will lose a privilege or a treat. Or your privileges or treats will be suspended until you have sat. If they tantrum we add minutes and walk away.

The violence usually does not continue after that and eventually the kid sits and calms down.

If it does continue, then we say, "You can sit nicely in the corner or I can put you in the corner. You choose." Usually they choose to sit nicely. But honestly no one wants to lose privileges, it's easier to just sit your corner.

Sometimes they follow us and we say, "We are not going to pay attention to you until you sit in the corner." They want the attention so they sit in the corner.

For little little kids then yes you need to sit there with them or take them. Very little. But they learn, it doesn't stay like that forever. Once they are 4-5 they can sit 4-5 minutes in the corner.

amother

Denim

Tue, May 17 2022, 9:49 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Watch super nanny Jo Frost and her techniques. And it works!

Except it gives lots of attention to the child who hurt and ignores the child who was hurt.
Spending time and energy making sure that the agressor stays in the corner by default means not comforting the victim.

amother

Lightblue

Tue, May 17 2022, 10:17 am

Iymnok wrote:

In a calmer time, teach them negotiation skills.
Don’t get involved. You don’t have to see everything.

OP wrote: "Hitting, kicking, pulling hair, pinching etc." Are you seriously going to look away from such behavior? Can't Believe It

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, May 17 2022, 10:47 am

amother [ Denim ] wrote:

Not implementing consequences will not change any pattern of behaviour.
Nothing says you can't take care if they hurt child first and then dealing with the aggressor.

amother

DarkGray

Tue, May 17 2022, 10:50 am

amother [ Lightblue ] wrote:

OP wrote: "Hitting, kicking, pulling hair, pinching etc." Are you seriously going to look away from such behavior? Can't Believe It

Fighting is ok in a lot of families, you just have to have a few ground rules. Siblings normally will keep each other in check and will not damage each other. There are also complicated parts of the dynamic that you are not seeing. The 'victim' is not likely to be innocent.

For very small kids, I would get in and stop them.

I also agree with what someone else said about problem solving this with the kids at a separate time.

mommyhood

Tue, May 17 2022, 12:51 pm

amother [ DarkGray ] wrote:

The bolded is super important. I find I jump to discipline the child who is being physically violent but I've learned to stop myself because there's usually a whole backstory that I might be missing. That doesn't mean violence is accepted but I can't punish one while ignoring the other sibling who was driving them crazy just without getting physical.
I do separate them when they fight which is usually enough to calm them down and remind themselves that it's boring to play alone.