Consequence for ds5 for hurting sibling

amother

Tue, Feb 27 2024, 10:01 am

My ds5 (almost 6) frequently hurts his younger sibling including hitting, pushing, tripping him etc. I never know how to deal with it. I know people say that he needs to go to his room but it’s not like ds will just walk happily there and I can’t drag him. How do I deal with this?

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Feb 27 2024, 10:03 am

Then I would move everyone else out of the room and have him stay there alone. Also get the books hands are not for hitting, feet are not for kicking.. great for toddlers and you can say lines from it when they forget.

amother

Tue, Feb 27 2024, 10:07 am

amother Floralwhite wrote:

That’s not always possible, if we’re playing in the playroom why should the kids who didn’t do anything wrong have to stop playing and leave?

I have that book, it’s too babyish for him….

amother

Peru

Tue, Feb 27 2024, 10:54 am

amother OP wrote:

That’s not always possible, if we’re playing in the playroom why should the kids who didn’t do anything wrong have to stop playing and leave?

I have that book, it’s too babyish for him….

Maybe that is the point. If he is going to act like a baby he needs to be treated like one.

amother

White

Tue, Feb 27 2024, 11:28 am

I don't know if this will work for your child but this is what I try to do. It does take time but I have seen progress ba"h.

I originally started this with my 5 yr old (was 4 then) who had speech delays and we were focusing on getting him to use words instead of having meltdowns.

So when my children do behaviors like you described, there is usually a reason. So my first step is to understand my children and let them know that I understand how they feel. So I would stop them from hurting and get down on the floor with them or put them on my lap on a chair or just stay near them and tell them I'm not upset with them, I want to know what happened.

If the child is not familiar with expressing what happened/their feelings, then this itself can be a process. But assuming the child is, then the child will say what happened. So then I might repeat back to make sure I understand what they said. Then maybe I'd ask them how did it make them feel or ask them if it made them feel upset, angry, etc. And once we cover how they felt then I'd say I understand why you felt upset, angry, etc. Then I'd ask if because they felt so upset, angry, etc. they hit/pinched/etc.? And if they say yes then I'd say I understand why they hurt their sibling.

Once they feel understood on an emotional level, I move onto the logical part of.

Then I'd tell them, it's ok to feel upset/angry/etc. but there are other things to do instead of hurting. We are not allowed to hurt someone when we are upset.

Then I'd give them examples, such as using their words to express how they feel (What you did made me so angry! etc.). Counting to ten if they feel angry, taking deep breaths, calling me over to help, asking for their toy nicely, etc. depending on what happened.

And then after all that we re-enact the scenario so they can get used to implementing the better behavior. Like literally start the situation over again, but this time to use the better behavior.

We have a book I think it's called What Should Danny Do and sometimes we use the situation we're dealing with and convert it to a Danny type story so they can make the choice how to behave like that.

If they did something that warrants a punishment, then they get it like we have a specific punishment for biting, etc. But usually at this point for most other stuff once we get to this point they apologize to their sibling and that's it.

This take a lot of time and is hard to do when other kids are around, so each time I just try my best and keep in mind that it's a process. It takes time to change one's behavior, especially since it also means changing how I react as well.

Also right now for all my kids (at least the verbal ones) we've been grappling with them saying something (specific) not nice whenever one of their siblings are doing something they don't like. So we started a whole chart program and the main point is for them to say how they are feeling instead of saying this not nice thing to their sibling. It's a process but hopefully we are seeing improvement with this B"H.

Hatzlacha, however you handle it!

AlwaysGrateful

Tue, Feb 27 2024, 3:23 pm

Is he doing these things because he's angry at his sibling? Because he's playing too rough? Because he likes to see how his sibling will react? Because he's trying to get your attention? Because he has a lot of energy and impulsively does things and doesn't think afterwards?

Is it always the same sibling? Does he do this with friends also?

Each of these situations requires a totally different type of intervention.

amother

Tue, Feb 27 2024, 7:48 pm

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

It’s so random, sometimes he’s upset at him and sometimes for no reason at all. In general he’s such a good kid who would never hurt anyone and is a real rule follower. He only hurts his brother, who, by the way, he’s obsessed with (when he’s not hurting him). I’ve spoken to him numerous times about using words or asking me for help but it’s had no impact. I’m honestly baffled.

(He only has this one sibling).