My 3 year old threw a milkshake at me today

amother

Thu, May 19 2022, 12:42 am

amother [ Blueberry ] wrote:

What kind of allergy? And how was it discovered on Sunday?

We went on a walk, drove home and then I saw him scratch his neck. I took off his shirt and his whole torso was covered in hives. We gave him Benadryl and it helped but they did appear on other spots of his body until Tuesday. So the doctor gave me a prescription for an allergy test. I hope it's something we can manage easily. He didn't try any new food. He had a cold recently so his immune system was still fragile, I think.

amother

Chicory

Thu, May 19 2022, 1:07 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Whatever terrible behavior a child does, there will be a bunch of Imas saying
"Don't worry - it's normal."

That is why we have so many abusive grown men these days (abusive women too).

I guess abusive is the new normal.

And who raised this generation that you hate so much? Your generation and your way of parenting. So maybe your way of parenting is just an epic fail?

creditcards

Thu, May 19 2022, 1:43 am

mushkamothers wrote:

You start off describing behavior that is not developmentally appropriate and say you're worried it's ODD but then you continue and admit you've basically never taught him any discipline or consequences and that you have little faith in gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is not permissiveness which is what it sounds like you've been doing. Gentle parenting includes firm limits and boundaries but without the yelling, hitting etc. So does your child have inborn hereditary genes for which to blame dh or does he just need some effective parenting... re the milkshake he should have cleaned it up as well.

The kid is 3. Too young too make him clean up a milk shake. I would just say, you are so sad that you are not first, and try to empathyze but still keep my ground that other kid has to be first this time and totally ignore the milkshake. I would say a comment that I'm not happy that he threw the milkshake and continue right on to the next thing. Not to give him any attention for it but also let him know that it's a wrong behavior just in case he didn't know.

camp123

Thu, May 19 2022, 1:46 am

I have a three year old like this. I think he does it bc he wants the thrill of seeing how I react.
The less I react the better, calmly say we don't behave like that, put him in time out for a few mins, without talking to him. Go out get him quietly and calmly off he's ready to be good. If he says yes, he comes out, does something else wrong we repeat calmly with no emotion. Eventually he'll come out and start behaving and then after a while I'll give him unconnected positive attention. Later we'll talk about why he might have done that. Being tired is a big cause.

creditcards

Thu, May 19 2022, 1:49 am

camp123 wrote:

For my kids saying "we don't behave like that" wouldn't be good enough. They wouldn't know what they did wrong. I need to tell them exactly what we don't do.

creditcards

Thu, May 19 2022, 1:53 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

As the title says. Why you ask? Because I told him I'd clean his nails after I was done with his brother. He wanted to go first. He didn't say that he wanted to go first. Didn't try to catch my attention. Just milkshake at mommy. This is after he pulled down his underwear to show me his privates yesterday after I told him he can't throw his toys around. After Shabbat, when he threw an inch sized rock at me. Telling me since last week he wants a new mommy because I tell him to clean up his messes. I'm starting to think he has ODD. His father was a trouble maker as a kid too, which sometimes resulted in violence and hurting other kids. Mind you that I only found out about it after we got married. I know my husband's parents' approach was to hit. I don't believe in hitting because for one, he still made problems, and two I was hit as a child every time I cried so I cope with my feelings by swallowing them. Anyway, what can I do? Before dc was 2 I gave in a lot, thinking he doesn't understand what he's doing, so no point in giving timeouts. I think that it affected him negatively. In my last pregnancy I was also debilitated so that might have made things worse. Also, now there's some allergies. But I don't think the allergies cause his behaviors because his father, according to the grandparents, was just like that as a kid. I don't know how to handle it. I'm afraid he'll be a bad father or husband one day. My husband is improving but he wasn't always easy. He also does good things but I digress. I have little faith in gentle parenting because I don't actually know an example of a family where that works. As far as the milkshake, I told him there's no milkshakes for him in a while.

Allergies definitely adds to his behavior, even if he already has a tendency to misbehave. When I have my allergies, I get so irritable, nobody would want to stand next to me.

imaima

Thu, May 19 2022, 2:01 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He is a normal 3 y o but since you know the whole mayseh about your dh, you have made up the whole case against him.
It helps to remember, there are your genes in him too.

creditcards

Thu, May 19 2022, 2:09 am

imaima wrote:

He is a normal 3 y o but since you know the whole mayseh about your dh, you have made up the whole case against him.
It helps to remember, there are your genes in him too.

What whole case against him? She is just being realistic, and knowing what she is dealing with.
I also have difficult kids and I find that the best solution is having a high school girl helping me out by supper and bath time. It keeps the calmness in the house.

imaima

Thu, May 19 2022, 2:10 am

amother [ Chicory ] wrote:

It sounds like he wants your attention. I would find times to give him positive attention so that he doesn't seek it out in negative ways. Also try reacting to the negative behaviors in a very calm way. Very nonchalantly you say we don't throw rocks, and you take it out of his hand. Don't let him see that he's getting a rise out of you.

This

amother

Thu, May 19 2022, 2:21 am

imaima wrote:

He is a normal 3 y o but since you know the whole mayseh about your dh, you have made up the whole case against him.
It helps to remember, there are your genes in him too.

I'm looking for ways to help him outgrow this behavior. He's very very active and provocative. To the point of trying to climb over the staircase railing, walking slowly into the street, putting multiple chairs on top of each other to reach the cabinet above the fridge, and other things. Just today we went shopping and he pulled a bag over his head. I have to be constantly on guard with him.

imaima

Thu, May 19 2022, 2:26 am

creditcards wrote:

Yes, this and not theortizing about what went wrong two generations ago.
It’s absolutely not realistic to expect him to do better than this if he gets little attention.

imaima

Thu, May 19 2022, 2:27 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes because he is three years old. You have tp always be on guard with them.

amother

Thu, May 19 2022, 2:28 am

If I tell him "we don't do that" he just does it again. Even when I'm calm. I noticed though that he responds to stories well. I'll tell him how a fictional child misbehaves and he'll calm down. Another thing that works is just being on his case and it's a lot of work. Example, with the other kids I can threat to turn off the lights if they don't go to sleep, with this one I need to do it after one warning.

creditcards

Thu, May 19 2022, 2:31 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

To me it sounds like typical ADHD behavior. Very impulsive. Acts before he thinks. I don't believe in consequences for such kids because they act before they can even think and consequences wouldn't help. Kids with ADHD have a very hard time regulating their emotions. Many times they need an outsider to help them regulate their emotions and then they can think more clearly. Don't expect a child that's dysregulated to be able to think before they act and to make rational decisions. You need to help him calm down by validating his feelings and discussing that he is upset and what made him upset. After the kid is calm you can try to teach the kid what proper behavior is.

Goldie613

Thu, May 19 2022, 2:31 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Maybe you can find ways for him to burn off more energy so he'll use less of it for climbing around the house?

But, yes, realistically, some kids just have more energy and you need eyes in the back of your head for them.

By the way, not sure what the other imamothers on here think, but some of this to me sounds like boundary testing, which can definitely happen at this age (though not only at this age).

amother

Thu, May 19 2022, 2:34 am

Goldie613 wrote:

Boundary testing is his favorite activity

imaima

Thu, May 19 2022, 2:34 am

I think you are blowing everything out of proportion.
Yes it is dangerous and annoying and has to be dealt with. Now is the prime time to deal with it because now these things happen.
He will not „outgrow“ them if you give up now because of his genes. Now is the prime time to give him your full attention.
Ich hat did you do when he bared his bottom?

imaima

Thu, May 19 2022, 2:37 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Generally it’s better to follow through with the consequence than to threat.