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Forum
-> Household Management
-> Finances
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amother
OP
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 Thu, May 19 2022, 8:35 pm
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Deleted due to identifying info
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amother
Floralwhite
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Thu, May 19 2022, 8:38 pm
If you live in the tri-state and are sending your kids to yeshiva, sorry - you are barely making it.
Why we live here and pay out the nose like this is beyond me
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amother
Bluebell
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Thu, May 19 2022, 8:40 pm
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Can you come up with a reasonable budget for each of you that you can spend on whatever you want? I think it will reduce a lot of unnecessary arguments.
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amother
OP
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Thu, May 19 2022, 8:42 pm
| amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote: | If you live in the tri-state and are sending your kids to yeshiva, sorry - you ARE poor.
Why we live here and pay out the nose like this is beyond me |
Ha! I definitely agree that for a larger, “older” family $230k is not huge, but for our family’s stage it is at least $100k more than we actually need at this time. Like I said, we spent $70k net last year (edit- and saved $110k) without really depriving ourselves. We don’t net so much from the $230k since we have very high taxes (NYC) and are careful with maaser.
So are you saying that he wants me to live on a meager budget so we can save for the years that we will not be covering (or “just” covering) our expenses?
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amother
Aubergine
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Thu, May 19 2022, 8:43 pm
| amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote: | If you live in the tri-state and are sending your kids to yeshiva, sorry - you are barely making it.
Why we live here and pay out the nose like this is beyond me |
If she is married for 5 years she probably doesn't have more than one kid in school.
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amother
DarkPurple
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Thu, May 19 2022, 8:45 pm
| amother [ Bluebell ] wrote: | | Can you come up with a reasonable budget for each of you that you can spend on whatever you want? I think it will reduce a lot of unnecessary arguments. |
Yes, you should each have some discretionary spending. And a general budget for other expenses. If someone would like to purchase something outside the general budget for a certain category, discuss it first, unless it's coming from that person's discretionary budget.
Also, you definitely don't live like you're poor! Poor people don't spend thousands on vacation each year.
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amother
OP
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Thu, May 19 2022, 8:46 pm
| amother [ Aubergine ] wrote: | | If she is married for 5 years she probably doesn't have more than one kid in school. |
Correct, this year our tuition/childcare costs were about $8k total. Next year will be going up to around $14k, and it’s only going up from there!
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amother
OP
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Thu, May 19 2022, 8:48 pm
| amother [ DarkPurple ] wrote: | Yes, you should each have some discretionary spending. And a general budget for other expenses. If someone would like to purchase something outside the general budget for a certain category, discuss it first, unless it's coming from that person's discretionary budget.
Also, you definitely don't live like you're poor! Poor people don't spend thousands on vacation each year. |
You’re right that I’m not living like I’m “poor”, I was just trying to get my message into the title without going over the word limit. But at the same time, my budget should allow me to order supper for $35 every two weeks without being made to feel guilty about it, no?
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RevitalizedMom
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Thu, May 19 2022, 8:48 pm
I don’t think you’re wrong at all.
What is money for?
I don’t share the mindset that money is made to save. Of course one needs to be reasonable and responsible, and saving is one way of doing that. However, when there is extra money, why not use it on things that will make life more enjoyable?
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amother
Firethorn
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Thu, May 19 2022, 8:49 pm
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amother
DarkPurple
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Thu, May 19 2022, 8:50 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | You’re right that I’m not living like I’m “poor”, I was just trying to get my message into the title without going over the word limit. But at the same time, my budget should allow me to order supper for $35 every two weeks without being made to feel guilty about it, no? |
If you have a budget you won't have to hash it out every time.
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Rubber Ducky
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Thu, May 19 2022, 8:52 pm
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The "discretionary spending" — entertainment, gadgets, take-out — can be part of your overall budget. If it's an actual budget item, then it shouldn't be cause for argument.
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amother
Bluebell
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Thu, May 19 2022, 8:52 pm
He may subscribe to the Mr Money Mustache philosophy. If you do this now, you can retire in 15 years with enough invested money to live comfortably for the rest of your lives.
Still you need to have some discretionary funds of your own so you can buy your takeout or save for CarPlay if you want to without him feeling that you are not appreciating the value of saving.
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amother
OP
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Thu, May 19 2022, 8:53 pm
| amother [ Bluebell ] wrote: | | Can you come up with a reasonable budget for each of you that you can spend on whatever you want? I think it will reduce a lot of unnecessary arguments. |
This is a good idea. The problem is that my husband’s idea of a budget is to “spend as little as possible on only what you need”. We don’t really have budgets for any category, we just spend what we need and remain price-conscious. I would love to have some sort of agreement where I can budget even $100/month to spend on whatever I want, without having to hear him rant. The issue is, I think we would end up arguing about what qualifies for that $100 budget. He might say that the $10 sunglasses I got for my kid is “frivolous” and should be part of my $100 budget, while I would say it falls into the standard “clothing” budget.
I just feel like with our income and high savings rate, I should be able to spend $15 on a toy for my kids without having to worry about his reaction.
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amother
OP
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Thu, May 19 2022, 9:03 pm
| amother [ Firethorn ] wrote: | | Did he grow up poor? |
His parents are actually wealthy but live a very simple yeshivish lifestyle. So I feel like he has adapted that sentiment from them- that life should remain simple no matter how much money you have. But at the same time, we basically live the same lifestyle as his kollel couple siblings who are making 1/3 of what we do.
(Edit- actually, scratch that. His kollel sibling’s kids are walking around in $120+ fancy brand winter coats and $100+ shoes while mine are wearing Target brand).
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amother
Natural
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Thu, May 19 2022, 9:09 pm
You might want to consider going to a financial therapist. Simi Mandelbaum is I believe the only frum-certified one.
https://prospr.fit/about/
You can check out her post on LinkedIn to better understand what she does and how it works.
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amother
Aquamarine
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Thu, May 19 2022, 9:09 pm
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Welcome to my life. I can buy a $4000 sheitel more easily than an extra tomato.
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amother
Bluebell
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Thu, May 19 2022, 9:10 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | This is a good idea. The problem is that my husband’s idea of a budget is to “spend as little as possible on only what you need”. We don’t really have budgets for any category, we just spend what we need and remain price-conscious. I would love to have some sort of agreement where I can budget even $100/month to spend on whatever I want, without having to hear him rant. The issue is, I think we would end up arguing about what qualifies for that $100 budget. He might say that the $10 sunglasses I got for my kid is “frivolous” and should be part of my $100 budget, while I would say it falls into the standard “clothing” budget.
I just feel like with our income and high savings rate, I should be able to spend $15 on a toy for my kids without having to worry about his reaction. |
I think you should take the income and savings out of the picture.
But if you are having disagreements as to what is frivolous or not, you need to come up with some mutual understandings.
I suggest that you frame this in the context of Shalom Bayis first and foremost. That you understand that there will be disagreements, that you are happy to be frugal and stick to a budget, but that trying to ensure that you both feel that every single small expense is essential is going to cause a lot of friction.
Maybe you can agree on a reasonable annual clothing budget, with the understanding that you will try to stay UNDER that amount, not try to spend it all. And you should both have a personal savings account that you deposit $100 or so in a month to use with no questions asked.
You may also want to go over specific spending once a month ONLY, in a relaxed setting, non-adversarial.
And I also suggest you find out what his long-term plan is for money. That may make it easier to live in the lifestyle he is intending.
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amother
OP
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Thu, May 19 2022, 9:10 pm
I just want to give an example to show how frugal my husband is- a few weeks ago he took the wrong subway train home by mistake, and instead of paying another fare to get back onto the right train, he walked an hour and a half at 11pm to save $2.75.
We have $350k+ in savings.
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amother
Vanilla
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Thu, May 19 2022, 9:10 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | This is a good idea. The problem is that my husband’s idea of a budget is to “spend as little as possible on only what you need”. We don’t really have budgets for any category, we just spend what we need and remain price-conscious. I would love to have some sort of agreement where I can budget even $100/month to spend on whatever I want, without having to hear him rant. The issue is, I think we would end up arguing about what qualifies for that $100 budget. He might say that the $10 sunglasses I got for my kid is “frivolous” and should be part of my $100 budget, while I would say it falls into the standard “clothing” budget.
I just feel like with our income and high savings rate, I should be able to spend $15 on a toy for my kids without having to worry about his reaction. |
I just want to say that this sounds just like my husband. We are not rich and we don't have lots of extra money now but we did at one point we were saving a lot. My husband has always been this way, budget- as little as possible, not as long as you stay within this range. The bigger purchases he doesn't have much trouble with large purchases as he has with lifestyle creep as he calls it- the little purchases that can become habits.
Over the years we kinda found a middle ground. We no longer have much extra so I've adopted and learned some of his frugality, and he's learned to trust me and turn a blind eye here and there when I occasionally slip up.
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