Living below our means

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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

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nicole81

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:10 pm

Do you have retirement plans? Are you thinking about future expenses? Once you're off Medicaid and have a few kids in school, that money will be gone so quickly.

I think the smartest move is to save as much as you can quickly so you can buy a house with a reasonable mortgage ASAP. After you're settled with that, if you have any residual income, you should discuss dividing between savings and discretionary monies.

amother

NeonOrange

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:11 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I wasn’t sure if I should post this here or in a marriage forum, but I guess I’ll see what responses I get here.

We are a relatively young couple (3 little kids, high 20s), with a generous income BH. We are both money conscious and are still saving for a house (we currently rent). We don’t deprive ourselves but we don’t overspend either, I buy my kids cheap clothes and spend about $900 on groceries a month and we spend $2-$3k a year on vacation. I just bought my first new sheitel after 5 years of marriage. To give you some context, last year we spent about $70k and saved $110k (though tuitions were low and we are still getting free Medicaid because of Covid).

There are times that I will splurge on toys or clothes or takeout and my husband will get upset and say that I am wasting all out money. Even when I show him our finances spreadsheet that I update monthly, and point out that we saved $5k last month or whatever, it’s like it doesn’t get through to him. He is still convinced I don’t care about finances and I am wasting all our money and “why should he work so hard”.

For example, I mentioned that maybe we should install CarPlay in our car (we enjoyed it in our vacation rental) and he went on a rant about how I don’t value money. I agree with his sentiment of not wasting money, especially because our expenses will only rise each year (though his company gives large raises each year too) and we don’t own a home yet (and the market is crazy), but at the same time, what’s the point of him working so hard (he works very long hours in a demanding job) if he doesn’t let himself enjoy some of it!!

I will point out that generally when it comes to spending on “experiences”- vacation, shows, etc, my husband is not stingy. We know we have the money so when we need to make a large purchase it doesn’t stress us out. He was happy for me to buy a new sheitel and would have no problem with me getting another one. It seems like smaller “frivolous” purchases bother him more.

I’m not sure if I’m just venting or looking for guidance. But can anyone share with me if I have the wrong approach to finances, with me wanting to sometimes just enjoy our money instead of hoarding it? And if I don’t have the wrong approach, how can I come to understand his point of view, and how can I get him to ease up a little bit?

How are you getting Medicaid at that salary?

amother

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:11 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

Welcome to my life. I can buy a $4000 sheitel more easily than an extra tomato.

Wow, you hit the nail on the head! Do you have any insight into our spouse’s crazy minds??

Rubies

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:11 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just want to give an example to show how frugal my husband is- a few weeks ago he took the wrong subway train home by mistake, and instead of paying another fare to get back onto the right train, he walked an hour and a half at 11pm to save $2.75.

We have $350k+ in savings.

That's not called frugal. That's a mental issue.

amother

Diamond

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:12 pm

I would get curious and have a conversation about this! I hear many assumptions here. What is holding you back from discussing w him?

amother

NeonGreen

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:13 pm

There is nothing at all wrong with your husband EXCEPT that you and he need to agree upon a budget which includes an amount for discretionary expenditures.

I am actually more with your husband as in a decade all of the impulse buys for toys and clothing will be forgotten and you will wish that you had saved more especially since you say you are saving for a house. You will be glad to have money to buy furniture for example - not to mention increased expenses for children. Or retirement. The time you start saving is in your 20's

It is always better to have some money in the bank for life's inevitable emergencies.

Honestly when I opened this thread I assumed it was going to be a husband who was neurotic over money and wanted to live like a pauper depriving his family of everything. Here the husband is willing to spend money on important stuff - even stuff like a good shteitel or vacations. What he doesn't want is to see money squandered and frittered away on meaningless purchases.

Again - agree upon a certain amount that can be spent or squandered as each party feels without any kind of resentment and agree upon a total budget.

Maybe if you and your husband discussed the total income and what the goals are for savings you would feel more like a partner and be invested (no pun intended) in being more careful with money.

amother

Gardenia

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You’re right that I’m not living like I’m “poor”, I was just trying to get my message into the title without going over the word limit. But at the same time, my budget should allow me to order supper for $35 every two weeks without being made to feel guilty about it, no?

I’m just going to say it here bec I disagree with so many of the financial threads. Ppl saying that u need 200k just to break even etc etc.
I make abt 100k and I have 7 kids. And I certainly allow myself extras. Nothing crazy. But I will absolutely spend $100 on a random Sunday with my kids in amazing savings just because I want to. I will definitely pick up takeout once or twice a month because I feel like it. I will buy myself an iced coffee once or twice a week for the ridiculous price of seven dollars because I think I work hard enough to deserve that. And yes, I am very conscious of saving money and not wasting.
I’m always shopping for sales for clothing for my kids, because that is something that I enjoy. I love the thrill of getting amazing gorgeous dresses for my girls at the end of the season for 80% off and putting them away for next year. I have cleaning help, but not crazy amounts. ( although on imamother, any amount of cleaning help means u are wasting your money and irresponsible).
I actually grew up quite poor and it’s taken me a long time to get to this healthy money mindset. You need to be responsible and know your budget and be aware of how much money is coming in and out, which you are doing beautifully. But I’m also not of the mindset of saving for retirement when I’m 65 and wasting my life away until then. Why not enjoy life if you are able to and you work hard enough to do so?
And contrary to what everyone else is going to tell you, your husbands salary is incredible for your age and stage. We are making about half of that and I’m already in my high 30s and I feel quite wealthy and have a nice amount of savings :-)

amother

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:15 pm

amother [ NeonOrange ] wrote:

How are you getting Medicaid at that salary?

Currently no one who was on Medicaid before COVID is getting kicked off, due to the federal public health emergency.

amother

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:18 pm

nicole81 wrote:

We have about $350k in savings, but none in any retirement accounts because we want it to be easily accessible for a down payment (we have it in mutual funds and a high yield savings account). We currently add about $5k/month to our savings. So it’s not like we are skimping on the “saving for a house” part.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Wow, you hit the nail on the head! Do you have any insight into our spouse’s crazy minds??

I think the key is making him understand that you and him find different things necessary. for you, new toys for the kids gives you joy - and its not expensive. some things do have to go. for ex. I used to be a big chachkes buyer. Cute magnets for the fridge was ripped away from me forever. lol.

amother

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:20 pm

Rubies wrote:

That's not called frugal. That's a mental issue.

Agreed… I’ll admit this is an extreme example, he’s not usually this nuts. I’ve brought it up once or twice just to see how in the world he could have though that was a reasonable decision, but he seemed reluctant to discuss so I haven’t pushed it. Prioritizing shalom bayis over yelling at him for how neurotic this was…

#BestBubby

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I second that this is a mental health issue - your husband has anxiety about $.

Go to a Rov who should tell him that just like we budget Ma'aser,

we should budget "sholom bayis" $

meaning: Don't criticize small extras. Let it be from the Sholom Bayis Budget.

Brocha comes in the Zechus of SHOLOM.

amother

Vanilla

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:21 pm

amother [ Gardenia ] wrote:

Wow I'd love the breakdown of your spending.
Unless your housing or tuition is super cheap or you're on medical programs, that is pretty tight.

amother

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:22 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

You might want to consider going to a financial therapist. Simi Mandelbaum is I believe the only frum-certified one.

https://prospr.fit/about/

You can check out her post on LinkedIn to better understand what she does and how it works.

If it costs money he won’t do it LOL

But I’ll bring it up!

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:22 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

tell him if he pays with Omny, any ride after the 12th ride per week is free. He'll start using teh train 10 times a day. I'm sure he loves a good metzieah.

amother

NeonOrange

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:22 pm

amother [ Gardenia ] wrote:

How? Do you have very subsidized tuition?

amother

Gardenia

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:22 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Wow, you hit the nail on the head! Do you have any insight into our spouse’s crazy minds??

I agree with everyone that says you should have your own discretionary spending. And just pull all your frivolous purchases from that amount. so maybe up the $100 a month to a little bit more lol :-)
(So for example, Like this u don’t have to fight over the sunglasses. Fine, it came out of my $500 a month discretionary spending)
and if he decides to save his $2.75 for the train, that’s in his court. But if you decide to purchase some extra toys, that’s in your court and it’s out of the discretionary budget that you both agreed to and so he should respect that and u shouldn’t have to explain yourself .

amother

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:23 pm

amother [ Bluebell ] wrote:

He may subscribe to the Mr Money Mustache philosophy. If you do this now, you can retire in 15 years with enough invested money to live comfortably for the rest of your lives.

Still you need to have some discretionary funds of your own so you can buy your takeout or save for CarPlay if you want to without him feeling that you are not appreciating the value of saving.

He is actually a cautious investor, we have $350k savings and our riskiest investment is mutual funds, but the large majority of that is just in a high yield savings account. I am more into the “invest now and retire early” mindset than he is. He just like to hoard money (or so it feels).

amother

NeonOrange

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Currently no one who was on Medicaid before COVID is getting kicked off, due to the federal public health emergency.

Wow for how long? You were making a lot less before Covid?

amother

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:24 pm

amother [ Diamond ] wrote:

I would get curious and have a conversation about this! I hear many assumptions here. What is holding you back from discussing w him?

It just always turns into a fight! We are both stubborn people.

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