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Help ds deal with neighborhood kids
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, May 25 2022, 5:03 pm
We moved to this neighborhood about a year ago. My son (7.5) bh made many new friends. One boy wasn't being nice to him (according to my son). He kept on complaining about this kid, but he had enough of other kids to play with. We discussed that he doesn't need to play right now with this kid. If he joins the game, my son can just walk off.

Now that the playing outside season is on again, it seems like my son started hyping up all the other friends against this kid. Now everyone is against that boy, they all say that he isn't nice, and no one is playing with him. They made sides and they divided themselves in 2 and they fight and run away from each other. I think my son is fueling this. It looks like he is enjoying the action. Almost like color war.

I feel so sorry for the kid. He seems to be very sweet. I know his mom, she looks very normal and functional.

When I talk to my son about it I try to tell him that he doesn't need to play with him, but why is he making a whole war. He says "why should I stop playing with my friends when he joins. Let him leave..."

What do I do? Is there anything I can do to tone it down. Will they relax over time? should I tell his mom?
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amother




Ivory
 

Post Wed, May 25 2022, 5:41 pm
Why don’t you teach him to get along with that child? You can invite him on a play date, tell your son to share something with him just to get them to get along?
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post Wed, May 25 2022, 5:44 pm
I agree, instead of teaching him that he doesn't have to play with that kid teach him to play with everyone as a group. No kid gets left behind.

Hatzlacha!
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, May 25 2022, 6:03 pm
amother [ Ivory ] wrote:
Why don’t you teach him to get along with that child? You can invite him on a play date, tell your son to share something with him just to get them to get along?


In my house he is ok. I want to show my kid that I believe him. I believe him that that kid bothers him. I wouldn't want him to exclude the kid in the way that he is, but I would want to show him that it's ok not to go play with a kid that hurts you. He has plenty of friends bh, I was hoping the kid would see that my son only plays with him when he is nice to him.

How can I teach him to get along with him when he hurts him. He's come home crying and even scratched up (not sure if it was on purpose or accident. )
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, May 25 2022, 6:05 pm
amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:
I agree, instead of teaching him that he doesn't have to play with that kid teach him to play with everyone as a group. No kid gets left behind.

Hatzlacha!


You are right. No kid should be left behind. How do I make him include a kid that hurts him. I know for myself, I avoid people that aren't nice to me. I don't go and exclude them as I am an adult, but I would try not to sit next to them at a simcha....
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amother




Hawthorn
 

Post Wed, May 25 2022, 6:55 pm
Is he still hurting your son or was that just in the beginning? When was the last time your son complained of being a victim of the other child in some way? Because unless that’s still ongoing, and how can it be if your son is avoiding him so effectively, it sounds like your son is now the bully in the group.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 5:10 am
amother [ Hawthorn ] wrote:
Is he still hurting your son or was that just in the beginning? When was the last time your son complained of being a victim of the other child in some way? Because unless that’s still ongoing, and how can it be if your son is avoiding him so effectively, it sounds like your son is now the bully in the group.


Last week he came home with his face scratched up from him.
I don't think my son is doing the right thing now, but why would you call him a bully? I think he is missing skills on how to navigate this situation and so is the other kid.
What should I teach my son to do?
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1ofbillions




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 6:01 am
I’d recommend changing the title of this thread so that more people will open it. I assumed this was a new mom looking to join a mommy and me group based on the title and category.
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amother




Leaf
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 6:15 am
He scratched your son’s face? Physical violence is never ok.

In general I tell my kids they don’t have to play with kids that bother them. But I tell them when it’s a group there are enough kids you can both join and avoid them. I think telling him to leave the group game wasn’t the right advice. But I also think if he is actually fighting your son you need to confront the parents.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 6:20 am
1ofbillions wrote:
I’d recommend changing the title of this thread so that more people will open it. I assumed this was a new mom looking to join a mommy and me group based on the title and category.


I did. thanks for suggestion
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 6:24 am
amother [ Leaf ] wrote:
He scratched your son’s face? Physical violence is never ok.

In general I tell my kids they don’t have to play with kids that bother them. But I tell them when it’s a group there are enough kids you can both join and avoid them. I think telling him to leave the group game wasn’t the right advice. But I also think if he is actually fighting your son you need to confront the parents.


My son says that if he plays with this kid, he invites them all over to his house. They all run together and he lets everyone onto their trampoline, but not my son. He can push him off a bike, single him out... (again, according to my son)

Maybe the kid felt threatened when my son joined the group. I don't know.

I think my son told his other friends that this kid is mean to him and they all discussed how he was also mean to them and they sort of ganged together. They all took sides, so now they are divided in half.
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amother




Blushpink
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 6:44 am
A few suggestions:

1. Supervise your son's playing so you see for yourself what is going on and can intervene. It doesn't sound like there is any supervision by any of the parents.

2. It's wonderful to have a chevra of neighbors, but the current dynamic isn't healthy for anyone. Not your son, not the other boy, not the other kids who are no longer bystanders.
Get off the block.
Limit time with the neighbors.
Take family walks, find a friend around the corner... so it isn't an every single day after school activity.
I'm not saying to never have son play with neighbors, but instead of daily, try going off the block twice a week.

3. Tell your son that if he can't play nicely, regardless of whose fault it is, because it sounds like it might be a lot of people's fault at this point, then he can't play.
Break up the fights by bringing your kid inside. give him an inside activity to do.
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amother




Blushpink
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 6:48 am
amother [ Leaf ] wrote:
He scratched your son’s face? Physical violence is never ok.

In general I tell my kids they don’t have to play with kids that bother them. But I tell them when it’s a group there are enough kids you can both join and avoid them. I think telling him to leave the group game wasn’t the right advice. But I also think if he is actually fighting your son you need to confront the parents.


I agree with most of this post, besides for what I bolded.
Been there, some that seemingly normal, rational neighbors can get very defensive and accusatory if you tell them that their kids are bothering yours.
Tread very lightly with neighbors.
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amother




Ivory
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 6:48 am
Can you talk to his parents? If he’s physically hurting him I think that would be the best way to stop it. You can also discuss the current situation and help her work things out between both your kids together.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 7:14 am
amother [ Ivory ] wrote:
Can you talk to his parents? If he’s physically hurting him I think that would be the best way to stop it. You can also discuss the current situation and help her work things out between both your kids together.


She's a really nice neighbor. don't have too much with her. But shouldn't I first focus on my son. How should I advise him to stay safe and strong without making it into a war? I feel like if I try something first and it doesn't work, then I would approach her... She is very functional, but she isn't the type to want to get involved in kids politics. She feels more that they should "figure it out". I think that to a certain degree that's fine, but kids need to learn skills and we parents need to teach it to him.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 7:22 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She's a really nice neighbor. don't have too much with her. But shouldn't I first focus on my son. How should I advise him to stay safe and strong without making it into a war? I feel like if I try something first and it doesn't work, then I would approach her... She is very functional, but she isn't the type to want to get involved in kids politics. She feels more that they should "figure it out". I think that to a certain degree that's fine, but kids need to learn skills and we parents need to teach it to him.


It may help you to focus on your son if you hear her perspective. What's going on with her son? You mention that your son's face was scratched...but you don't mention if there was tit for tat. It would behoove you to clarify exactly what happened, both from your son's perspective and the other boy's.

(I remember growing up, an irate mother called mine to tell her that my brother broke her son's glasses, and she had better pay. My mother calmly stated that she would talk to my brother. Turned out, that boy was in the midst of trying to punch my brother in the face. My brother put his hands out in self defense and accidentally knocked the glasses off the other boy's face...)

Your son is young, so it's an age where communication with other parents is a good idea. Find out what's going on, what's triggering this other boy and yours to create such drama. Sometimes the answer is to divide them if they can't get along (I had a situation where one of my DD's was being bullied on the bus, and the other Mom and I got our daughters to agree to sit on separate sides. The bullying stopped). And sometimes there are misunderstandings that can be cleared up (and another DD has been really good friends for years with her former nemesis).
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amother




Lemonchiffon
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 7:59 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She's a really nice neighbor. don't have too much with her. But shouldn't I first focus on my son. How should I advise him to stay safe and strong without making it into a war? I feel like if I try something first and it doesn't work, then I would approach her... She is very functional, but she isn't the type to want to get involved in kids politics. She feels more that they should "figure it out". I think that to a certain degree that's fine, but kids need to learn skills and we parents need to teach it to him.
[b]

If you don't have much to do with her how do you know her parenting philosophy so well?

If your kid was scratching up other boys faces, wouldn't you want it brought to your attention?

You're talking about 7 year old boys. Parent intervention is very appropriate and if you wanted the parents to be involved, you'd just go over there and talk to the mother and try to get to the bottom of this. It sounds like you are the one that wants to just let them work it out themselves.

Also, you at least twice describe her as "very functional". What the heck does that mean? I don't think I've heard anyone describe someone this way outside of a special needs setting.

Honestly, I don't know the whole picture of what's going on - and frankly, either do you - but it does sound like your son is, if not bullying, certainly instigating drama. It's mean. And telling him to just walk away from a boy he dislikes and leaving it at that -- I don't think it was good advice. In life we have to learn how to deal with all kinds of people. And as Jews we should be always working on our ahavas yisroel. It was really a missed opportunity. And now it's come to this.

My advice is to speak to the mother ASAP and try to get to the bottom of what is actually going on. These boys may never be friends but they should be able to play basketball together in a group of boys without a war breaking out.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 8:20 am
amother [ Lemonchiffon ] wrote:
[b]

If you don't have much to do with her how do you know her parenting philosophy so well?

If your kid was scratching up other boys faces, wouldn't you want it brought to your attention?

You're talking about 7 year old boys. Parent intervention is very appropriate and if you wanted the parents to be involved, you'd just go over there and talk to the mother and try to get to the bottom of this. It sounds like you are the one that wants to just let them work it out themselves.

Also, you at least twice describe her as "very functional". What the heck does that mean? I don't think I've heard anyone describe someone this way outside of a special needs setting.

Honestly, I don't know the whole picture of what's going on - and frankly, either do you - but it does sound like your son is, if not bullying, certainly instigating drama. It's mean. And telling him to just walk away from a boy he dislikes and leaving it at that -- I don't think it was good advice. In life we have to learn how to deal with all kinds of people. And as Jews we should be always working on our ahavas yisroel. It was really a missed opportunity. And now it's come to this.

My advice is to speak to the mother ASAP and try to get to the bottom of what is actually going on. These boys may never be friends but they should be able to play basketball together in a group of boys without a war breaking out.


I asked what to do, not what I do wrong.

Thanks for analyzing every word I wrote, that was really the purpose of my post.

I really don't have to excuse myself on all the accusations you wrote, but I have some time and honestly it hurts to want some innocent advice only to be personally insulted.

-I don't talk a lot to her but I did talk to her a few times and she mentioned this particular philosophy.
-I called her functional because many times kids from dysfunctional homes act out and there is nobody to talk to at home. So I said that she is functional as in the opposite of dysfunctional. As in if appropriate, than I can talk to the mom. Sometimes different communities use different words to describe things. In my part of town its an acceptable way to talk.
-I did write that my son is instigating drama. This is literally what I posted about.
-I know that it was not good advice to tell him to walk away, because I see it's not working. He is my oldest, so I'm still learning and figuring things out. I think its ok to try something one way and when it doesn't work out, you try another way. Hence me coming on here for advice.
-Thanks for ahavas yisroel lecture. The way you wrote your post, shows your love for me shining through. If I wouldn't care about the other kid, I wouldn't post about it, my son is happy. I'm literally posting here because it's hurting me the way they are playing now.
- Now a real thanks for your last paragraph. That was the only one I really wanted to read.

sorry if I'm harsh but this really hurt me. I'm trying to do the right thing, I want guidance, not accusations. thanks
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 8:22 am
amother [ Blushpink ] wrote:
A few suggestions:

1. Supervise your son's playing so you see for yourself what is going on and can intervene. It doesn't sound like there is any supervision by any of the parents.

2. It's wonderful to have a chevra of neighbors, but the current dynamic isn't healthy for anyone. Not your son, not the other boy, not the other kids who are no longer bystanders.
Get off the block.
Limit time with the neighbors.
Take family walks, find a friend around the corner... so it isn't an every single day after school activity.
I'm not saying to never have son play with neighbors, but instead of daily, try going off the block twice a week.

3. Tell your son that if he can't play nicely, regardless of whose fault it is, because it sounds like it might be a lot of people's fault at this point, then he can't play.
Break up the fights by bringing your kid inside. give him an inside activity to do.


Thanks for this. You are 100% right about supervision. I think thats my first step. They also wouldn't do all this in front of a parent.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, May 26 2022, 8:25 am
Chayalle wrote:
It may help you to focus on your son if you hear her perspective. What's going on with her son? You mention that your son's face was scratched...but you don't mention if there was tit for tat. It would behoove you to clarify exactly what happened, both from your son's perspective and the other boy's.

(I remember growing up, an irate mother called mine to tell her that my brother broke her son's glasses, and she had better pay. My mother calmly stated that she would talk to my brother. Turned out, that boy was in the midst of trying to punch my brother in the face. My brother put his hands out in self defense and accidentally knocked the glasses off the other boy's face...)

Your son is young, so it's an age where communication with other parents is a good idea. Find out what's going on, what's triggering this other boy and yours to create such drama. Sometimes the answer is to divide them if they can't get along (I had a situation where one of my DD's was being bullied on the bus, and the other Mom and I got our daughters to agree to sit on separate sides. The bullying stopped). And sometimes there are misunderstandings that can be cleared up (and another DD has been really good friends for years with her former nemesis).


Thanks!
I have a memory of playing with a little girl (she was the oldest in her family). we got into some type of argument or fight. She was not all innocent in this. Before I know it her she ran home and her mother came out to talk to us. I didn't have the guts to tell her what her daughters part in this is . I never wanted to play with that girl because I felt that everything will be told to mommy and then I'll be at fault.
So her mother thought she protected her daughter but she ended up losing friends.
So you are right that it's important to hear the whole story!
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