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1ofbillions
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 Thu, May 26 2022, 6:01 am
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I’d recommend changing the title of this thread so that more people will open it. I assumed this was a new mom looking to join a mommy and me group based on the title and category.
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amother
Blushpink
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Thu, May 26 2022, 6:44 am
A few suggestions:
1. Supervise your son's playing so you see for yourself what is going on and can intervene. It doesn't sound like there is any supervision by any of the parents.
2. It's wonderful to have a chevra of neighbors, but the current dynamic isn't healthy for anyone. Not your son, not the other boy, not the other kids who are no longer bystanders.
Get off the block.
Limit time with the neighbors.
Take family walks, find a friend around the corner... so it isn't an every single day after school activity.
I'm not saying to never have son play with neighbors, but instead of daily, try going off the block twice a week.
3. Tell your son that if he can't play nicely, regardless of whose fault it is, because it sounds like it might be a lot of people's fault at this point, then he can't play.
Break up the fights by bringing your kid inside. give him an inside activity to do.
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Chayalle
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Thu, May 26 2022, 7:22 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | She's a really nice neighbor. don't have too much with her. But shouldn't I first focus on my son. How should I advise him to stay safe and strong without making it into a war? I feel like if I try something first and it doesn't work, then I would approach her... She is very functional, but she isn't the type to want to get involved in kids politics. She feels more that they should "figure it out". I think that to a certain degree that's fine, but kids need to learn skills and we parents need to teach it to him. |
It may help you to focus on your son if you hear her perspective. What's going on with her son? You mention that your son's face was scratched...but you don't mention if there was tit for tat. It would behoove you to clarify exactly what happened, both from your son's perspective and the other boy's.
(I remember growing up, an irate mother called mine to tell her that my brother broke her son's glasses, and she had better pay. My mother calmly stated that she would talk to my brother. Turned out, that boy was in the midst of trying to punch my brother in the face. My brother put his hands out in self defense and accidentally knocked the glasses off the other boy's face...)
Your son is young, so it's an age where communication with other parents is a good idea. Find out what's going on, what's triggering this other boy and yours to create such drama. Sometimes the answer is to divide them if they can't get along (I had a situation where one of my DD's was being bullied on the bus, and the other Mom and I got our daughters to agree to sit on separate sides. The bullying stopped). And sometimes there are misunderstandings that can be cleared up (and another DD has been really good friends for years with her former nemesis).
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amother
Lemonchiffon
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Thu, May 26 2022, 7:59 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | She's a really nice neighbor. don't have too much with her. But shouldn't I first focus on my son. How should I advise him to stay safe and strong without making it into a war? I feel like if I try something first and it doesn't work, then I would approach her... She is very functional, but she isn't the type to want to get involved in kids politics. She feels more that they should "figure it out". I think that to a certain degree that's fine, but kids need to learn skills and we parents need to teach it to him. | [b]
If you don't have much to do with her how do you know her parenting philosophy so well?
If your kid was scratching up other boys faces, wouldn't you want it brought to your attention?
You're talking about 7 year old boys. Parent intervention is very appropriate and if you wanted the parents to be involved, you'd just go over there and talk to the mother and try to get to the bottom of this. It sounds like you are the one that wants to just let them work it out themselves.
Also, you at least twice describe her as "very functional". What the heck does that mean? I don't think I've heard anyone describe someone this way outside of a special needs setting.
Honestly, I don't know the whole picture of what's going on - and frankly, either do you - but it does sound like your son is, if not bullying, certainly instigating drama. It's mean. And telling him to just walk away from a boy he dislikes and leaving it at that -- I don't think it was good advice. In life we have to learn how to deal with all kinds of people. And as Jews we should be always working on our ahavas yisroel. It was really a missed opportunity. And now it's come to this.
My advice is to speak to the mother ASAP and try to get to the bottom of what is actually going on. These boys may never be friends but they should be able to play basketball together in a group of boys without a war breaking out.
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amother
OP
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Thu, May 26 2022, 8:20 am
| amother [ Lemonchiffon ] wrote: | [b]
If you don't have much to do with her how do you know her parenting philosophy so well?
If your kid was scratching up other boys faces, wouldn't you want it brought to your attention?
You're talking about 7 year old boys. Parent intervention is very appropriate and if you wanted the parents to be involved, you'd just go over there and talk to the mother and try to get to the bottom of this. It sounds like you are the one that wants to just let them work it out themselves.
Also, you at least twice describe her as "very functional". What the heck does that mean? I don't think I've heard anyone describe someone this way outside of a special needs setting.
Honestly, I don't know the whole picture of what's going on - and frankly, either do you - but it does sound like your son is, if not bullying, certainly instigating drama. It's mean. And telling him to just walk away from a boy he dislikes and leaving it at that -- I don't think it was good advice. In life we have to learn how to deal with all kinds of people. And as Jews we should be always working on our ahavas yisroel. It was really a missed opportunity. And now it's come to this.
My advice is to speak to the mother ASAP and try to get to the bottom of what is actually going on. These boys may never be friends but they should be able to play basketball together in a group of boys without a war breaking out. |
I asked what to do, not what I do wrong.
Thanks for analyzing every word I wrote, that was really the purpose of my post.
I really don't have to excuse myself on all the accusations you wrote, but I have some time and honestly it hurts to want some innocent advice only to be personally insulted.
-I don't talk a lot to her but I did talk to her a few times and she mentioned this particular philosophy.
-I called her functional because many times kids from dysfunctional homes act out and there is nobody to talk to at home. So I said that she is functional as in the opposite of dysfunctional. As in if appropriate, than I can talk to the mom. Sometimes different communities use different words to describe things. In my part of town its an acceptable way to talk.
-I did write that my son is instigating drama. This is literally what I posted about.
-I know that it was not good advice to tell him to walk away, because I see it's not working. He is my oldest, so I'm still learning and figuring things out. I think its ok to try something one way and when it doesn't work out, you try another way. Hence me coming on here for advice.
-Thanks for ahavas yisroel lecture. The way you wrote your post, shows your love for me shining through. If I wouldn't care about the other kid, I wouldn't post about it, my son is happy. I'm literally posting here because it's hurting me the way they are playing now.
- Now a real thanks for your last paragraph. That was the only one I really wanted to read.
sorry if I'm harsh but this really hurt me. I'm trying to do the right thing, I want guidance, not accusations. thanks
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amother
OP
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Thu, May 26 2022, 8:22 am
| amother [ Blushpink ] wrote: | A few suggestions:
1. Supervise your son's playing so you see for yourself what is going on and can intervene. It doesn't sound like there is any supervision by any of the parents.
2. It's wonderful to have a chevra of neighbors, but the current dynamic isn't healthy for anyone. Not your son, not the other boy, not the other kids who are no longer bystanders.
Get off the block.
Limit time with the neighbors.
Take family walks, find a friend around the corner... so it isn't an every single day after school activity.
I'm not saying to never have son play with neighbors, but instead of daily, try going off the block twice a week.
3. Tell your son that if he can't play nicely, regardless of whose fault it is, because it sounds like it might be a lot of people's fault at this point, then he can't play.
Break up the fights by bringing your kid inside. give him an inside activity to do. |
Thanks for this. You are 100% right about supervision. I think thats my first step. They also wouldn't do all this in front of a parent.
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